S01E10 The Tale of Jake and the Leprechaun (ugh)
By the time I finish all of these I will have seen this intro about one hundred and forty times. I can never get that time back. So here is another one of me and IAMRICKSEE’s reviews of this awful show. Click” read more” to read more, dicklards.
This kid is supposed to be sad his grandfather died… well you’re not pulling it off kid, so stop letting your mother live her broken dreams out on you. And stop telling kids in lunch you’re an actor. This girl doesn’t know what a leprechaun is? Are you fucking kidding me? That’s bullshit! This kid looks like he would be in a Twizzlers commercial.
Wow, it suddenly turned into the set of the first Troll movie, the one nobody has ever seen. I think the leprechaun is being played by an 80’s metal band guitarist with a long black mullet. Wow, this kid is telling the story of a little kid that wished he was an actor. Christ what is up with her stupid clothes and hair and face and rat-toothed mouth? Oh this guy is drinking some weird mystery potion, but it’s just fireball mixed with some unicorn piss or whatever the fuck leprechauns drink while they’re sitting on a tree branch with their balls poking against their short leprechaun trousers. Wow, this is fucking weird. This midge is fucking ripped. He has Rambo arms on a tiny little body.
Uh oh, the small dude threw the recipe on the ground, now some radom 90’s person is going to stumble upon it while listening to Boys II Men on their disc man.
This crazy Irish fucker is trying to poison some purple-shirted kid, it makes his voice change and it freaks him out. I think it’s a metaphor for puberty. “Something weird is happening to me… it’s like I’m changing” Yeah this seems like a movie they’d play in sixth-grade health class.
This kid looks like a latex mask of a gorilla. Now the little dude is smoking weed. I bet he doesn’t go through his stashes very fast on account of being a tiny man. I feel like this episode has a weird inception thing going on, a storyteller is telling a story of someone in a play telling another story. Oh and the original story teller was retelling his stupid dead grandfather’s story. Dick.
They said his ears got pointy but I swear his ears were already that pointy. Now the little dude is dressed as a pimp. Silk orange velvet blouse, green tweed suit. How convenient, there is a chair directly in the middle of a hallway right where someone needs to reach something. Obviously I don’t need to tell you who can’t reach something, but anyway… The old dude is getting all scabby and weird now. I know someone with a back that looks like this guy’s. Just giant tufts of grizzly bear ass strewn across their body. Every seven years banshees need to do some shit blahblah, who makes up these rules anyway? Who decides when banshees need to do shit? Nature? I guess. How are we suddenly back in the play, this is all so convoluted.
Why is the audience clapping for this dumb shit? They must have been drugged with that leprechaun shit. This kid is so misshapen. What the hell is wrong with his face? I feel like this is the little kid from Home Improvement. They both have that annoying face thing going on and both look like they’d grow up to be in a shitty boy band.
Ugh, this bitch again. The one with the head and shit. The leprechaun has an Asian-sounding name, that was a turn I didn’t expect we’d be making. And the banshee being named Sean seems very unlikely. Is this kid dead yet or what? Ugh…
He threw a rubber snake and it turned someone into frog and now little guy is sprinkling glitter on it. How festive. I wonder if this is some sort of little-people holiday tradition. I think he brushes his long shiny eyebrow-hair with a Barbie brush.
Oh now they’re group-hugging, I think they should trip and all land in the fire, but we all know that won’t happen since there are like a hundred and fifty million more of these fucking things.
The End.
Someone is locking… a basement! I fucking called the shit out of that shit. What is this kid doing? what is going on? Why is this episode mostly really tight shots of feet walking in the dark. I don’t give a fuck what a British Knight looks like up close when it steps into a puddle in 1994. I don’t know why any of this is happening. The pork loin is back, her arms look like bratwurst and her fingers are like smooth vienna sausages. People in Oklahoma love those fucking things, they are utterly disgusting. I fucking hate Oklahoma. Ugh. Everything is fried. EVERYTHING! Except the fucking vienna sausages, they eat those fucking things out of the can. Can’t wait to shovel the miniature meat logs into your stupid mid-westernish gaping maw of a mouth. Ugh… what the fuck was happening again?
Black girl in denim and ole’ pork loin are talking. Great, just what we needed. Oh god, this kid. He looks like he was going to try out for a part in Rumble Fish the musical (for anyone that never read Rumble Fish, just replace that with “West Side Story” which is already a musical. Or what’s that outer one? Oh yeah the outsiders) you have to have seen at least one of those. Fuck.
Ok, now this weird brother and sister fuck-duo are being weird, and she walks like a caveman and looks like Eddie Van Halen…and he SUCKS. I fucking HATE Eddie Van Halen. Except for that one song. David Lee Roth is the shit, though. By the by, that’s not her displaying acting skills…there’s no caveman scene going on here. Ok, so now Eddie and the dude who looks like a lesbian in the 90’s who shops exclusively at TJ Max’s clearance rack are arguing. Fuck the mailman, I guess. Mom, her pantsuit, and her shoulder pads just tried to grab the mailman’s cock and balls, and he wasn’t having it. I’m pretty sure he is dying of AIDS. Look at him. He’s covered in it! Where’s that white bitch from CNN who doesn’t think before she speaks and says it’s ok to use fire hoses on black protesters? Hey, bitch! Point your hose at this sad shriveling Casper the Friendly sick-and-dying-of-AIDS-mailman ghost. He was just subtly describing a neighborhood gangbang he was a part of and says he’s been sick ever since. What a dirty boy! Bet they had the lube fountain flowing like an alcoholic’s urine at a local throwback, doo-wop, bathhouse jamboree. Sounds suspicious and spooky you fucking dirty bastard! No wonder you’re so sick. You disgust me.
Your stupid bumper stickers: Yeah I know this isn’t exactly considered a form of small talk, but in my world that’s exactly what this is an attempt at. The second I’m stuck behind your ugly tan Dodge Caravan, and have to read another ” keep the Christ in Christmas” bumper sticker slathered across the back of the dusty window smeared with slimy children’s fingerprints, you’re forcing me to have a conversation in my head. Essentially I have to have small talk with myself. I have to ask myself what kind of jackass would say something like this, then I have to do follow-up questions, who would care about this so much they’d glue it to the back of their car? Why aren’t there any “Keep the Han in Hanukkah” stickers? It’s a Star Wars themed Jewish holiday, and I’m all for it!
What do I think??? I think fuck you is what I think you fucking kid-killer. I can’t believe this was ok at one time and people pretend to be fucking offended by Miley Cyrus…are you fucked in the head? Ok…let me be straight…this pasty white motherfucker has a lot to say about this little girl’s sports ability, but he’s not “into sports”…what a creeper…and what the fuck is with Lando Calrissian here? Just let your soul glo I guess. This kid is going to kill this whole fucking family. Who the hell stays in the presence of a crazy “Simple Jack” child killery looking fuck as this? Are you insane? You should be ashamed of yourself! You have kids you asshole.
Nice place. Can’t get a place like that these days with the economy what it is. That attic could be another room! Oh yeah…this shit. Ok, so her hair is weird and this video seems Baldwinny. I know I said that already, but this is this kid’s version of “Sliver” which is one of the Baldwin brothers’ movies. Whatevs. This graveyard is a joke. It’s literally making me laugh.
The kid that lived under the stairs in that movie about people living under the stairs is in this. no not the actor, like, the same character. I guess this was before he was locked up by a sado-masochistic old rich couple that wrap their saggy balls in leather and don’t care for them coloreds.
Recently, Belgium made euthanasia for children legal. The rules are simple: There must be a diagnosis from an independent doctor, there must be signs of intense and endless suffering which will undeniably result in death, and with the approval of both parents, you can save your child the misery of lifelong grief. It’s a tough choice for loving parents, but what about the rest of us? Let’s be honest, folks…aren’t these rules a bit strict?
Now we are in the OshKosh B’gosh woods apparently… this looks like the Sears catalog in the early 90’s just jacked out all over my line of vision. Nice haircut, dipshit. Your purple shirt sucks… and why is this little bitch color coordinating with his shit grape colored sweater? Fuck these people. Fart. She definitely wants to suck his dick… not the weird child molester guy who looks like a fat, taller, child molestier looking Chris Katan… the black kid… with the rad fade.
Wow, this dude must have arrived really late to his acting classes. I feel like he still invites people over to watch this episode on repeat while he talks about what it was like to be on Nickelodeon back when it still felt like it mattered. How do so many random grown strangers end up hanging out with elementary school children in empty houses on this show? It’s insane! Yeah random joke shop guy, just come over and put a spell on this thing and dance around in your gold puffy shirt before my parents come home, oh yeah, bring your swim trunks, I’m making brownies, and they’ll be dick-sucking and demon-conjuring right over there by the hot tub. God, this bitch is annoying, she’s like that moon faced guy that used to do the Mcdonald’s commercials. That’s this girl. Fucking over and out!
Well now that the stupid holiday season has come to a welcome close, it’s time for another installment of “Why I Probably Hate You”, and in this one, I shall tell you all why you make going to a store one of the most miserable experiences of my life. Say hello to “Why I Probably Hate You: The Shopping Edition”.
So, starting last night, I decided to sit down and watch the entire “Rocky” anthology, starring Sly Stallone as Rocky Balboa “The Italian Stallion.” I haven’t watched these movies in MANY years. My dad was a huge fan, so therefore, growing up, I was also a huge fan. One of few items of his I received after he passed away (my POS stepmother butt-fucked me and my sister out of everything else, and hopefully, she gets catapulted into the Fukushima power plant cunt first) was his “Rocky” anthology. I recently realized that I’ve never seen the 6th one, so before I sit down and watch that (which I do not have high hopes for), I have decided to rewatch the first five movies…in doing so, I realized a few things:
