Here is the second part of the last update, so re-watch and read morerereereree..
Are You Afraid of the Dark? Review S1 Ep8
OOWWW!!! And here I am, once again, writing a new review about Are You Afraid of the Dark? Remember that show? I can tell by your wincing, like someone just plucked one of your ball hairs off unexpectedly, that you do. Why DO we only tell scary stories at night? Good question, right? Oof…the acting in this always makes me feel like I have razorblades slicing through my brain with such precision, that they straight up expose my douche-nerve. Ok, now this weird Native American looking bitch is babbling about some shit about being afraid. Maybe she’s an Eskimo…er, Inuit. I’m afraid. Are you? I’m afraid you suck cock at acting, young lady. You’re lucky there are so many dicks in the world to slurp on so that you’re never homeless! Spooky fire, popcorn flying. These are the makings of a blood-orgy. The hairstyles are hurting even my feelings. WTF was wrong with people back then? How could everyone look in the mirror and be all like, “Nailed it?” Honestly. Up, poofy, and dried out sucks! Down, wet, and sultry is where it’s at! How the fuck did people not know that! It wasn’t even that long ago!
Ok, now this weird brother and sister fuck-duo are being weird, and she walks like a caveman and looks like Eddie Van Halen…and he SUCKS. I fucking HATE Eddie Van Halen. Except for that one song. David Lee Roth is the shit, though. By the by, that’s not her displaying acting skills…there’s no caveman scene going on here. Ok, so now Eddie and the dude who looks like a lesbian in the 90’s who shops exclusively at TJ Max’s clearance rack are arguing. Fuck the mailman, I guess. Mom, her pantsuit, and her shoulder pads just tried to grab the mailman’s cock and balls, and he wasn’t having it. I’m pretty sure he is dying of AIDS. Look at him. He’s covered in it! Where’s that white bitch from CNN who doesn’t think before she speaks and says it’s ok to use fire hoses on black protesters? Hey, bitch! Point your hose at this sad shriveling Casper the Friendly sick-and-dying-of-AIDS-mailman ghost. He was just subtly describing a neighborhood gangbang he was a part of and says he’s been sick ever since. What a dirty boy! Bet they had the lube fountain flowing like an alcoholic’s urine at a local throwback, doo-wop, bathhouse jamboree. Sounds suspicious and spooky you fucking dirty bastard! No wonder you’re so sick. You disgust me.
Ok…why are there always kids with bad hair walking into the dark while also developing relationships with inappropriately aged elders? Oop! Now, the Native American chick just faded in and out. It was pretty spooky. I wish she’d tomahawk the fuck out of all these immigrant fucks! This ain’t yer land…WHACK! Her jean jacket…I think it was a jean jacket…we’re back to the stupid fucking show now and not looking at her, and I’ve been drinking, so I already don’t remember what she’s wearing even though she just faded in like a second ago. Either way, I think it could use some bedazzling, AND, this is so good so get ready, AND, on the back…an airbrushed peace pipe! Thank you. I’d buy THAT jacket at the flea market! I was originally going to say the jacket was cool but now it sucks because I know what could be. Eddie Van Halen and her potato-bug-headed little brother and babbling and babbling…why won’t a fucking missile hit my living room? No…why the FUCK does he have a bullhorn? No reason for that. If that were my kid, I would’ve aborted him. That’s what stairs and doorknobs were made for! End of story, end of problem. I got 99 problems but a baby ain’t one!
What is with all the denim? Fuckin’ Canadian Tuxedos all up in this biiiiitch like cray. Here she goes again…spooky. Her red dress is ugly, and I think she’s been farting it up in there, because clearly something was stank judging by everyone’s stink-reaction! How does hair like that stay upon one’s head in such a fashion? Her hair looks part mullet, part miner’s helmet with a light on the front, and honestly, I’m so mesmerized by it, I can barely pay attention to this weird kid and the inbred foreigny folks from next door with all the violin music and inbred awkwardness. Jesus! Hit a survivor’s meeting, will ya? Your inferiority is distracting! This is the type of family that makes you think that eugenics is a good idea. For fuck sake, goths, go back to the club! Some of us are drunk and trying to figure out what this stupid bitch with the hair, mom with the pantsuit, and the lesbianic little brother are trying to do or figure out, or even what is happening at all. There is no plot. No storyline. Just desolation. So far, nothing makes any butt-fucking sense. No surprise there, I reckon!
She talks like this is a phone sex line from 1985. Her accent seems completely made up…I’ve never heard anything like it. It is not beautiful. Voila! A freezer. Maybe some vintage TV dinners are in there. We should be so lucky. OHHHHH…I get it! These stupid dicks are vampires, and I guess that accent is…Transylvanian? That’s why it sounds unfamiliar (yeah, that’s the reason). This dude fucks kids…just sayin. I mean, I haven’t seen it. But c’mon…look at him.
That flashlight looks like it hurts. I think that girl was shitting in the garage. She was squatted down like, “Yeah, I hit the all-you-can-eat country buffet the last three nights like a boss! And I straight up don’t give a fuck!” then boom. Get the shovel. My kind of chick. Uh-ohhhh…the vamp-fam is home early, or not. I wish he’d hit her with that baseball bat. That’d be a show. Not a horror show, though, just a better show. I can’t believe there is more to this. This is still going on. Father Time is a cunt. Chick Eddie Van Halen was just all cock-mouthed…I s’pose that means she has a dastardly idea. I still don’t really know what’s going on, other than the possibility that this weird incestuous brother and sister duo are about to commit murder for that guy that kids commit murder for on the internet because they have overactive, bored-as-fuck, imaginations. Who was he, again? The stick man? Mr. Sticks? Cthulhu? Skinny Buddy? Whatevs. Even their imaginations lack imagination. Oh, this kid thinks he’s about to puke. So am I…for a multitude of completely different reasons though. Fuck that kid. Grow a pair, fuck-o. Vampires are about to suck blood through the side of your balls like a blood sponge while hackin’ off your tally-whacker for grillin’!
A basement can be freaky, especially when it’s got two kids in it guilty of breaking and entering whilst an inbred vampire wanders around aimlessly, desperately trying to find the plot. I think he’s going to fuck those kids, but don’t quote me on it. There’s that accent again. Apparently, their “jobs” switched their schedules at the last minute. Don’t you hate that? I mean sometimes it works in your favor though, and you’re like, “Oh, I don’t have to use a sick day for that stupid suburban zombie bullshit thing my sister-in-law is throwing at the thing,” and then you’re all like, “Alriiiiight, turning a negatiiiive into a positiiiiive. A day off and free driiiiinks!” Now that’s using your noodle! Dude, that vampire just said “ciao,” and now Van Halen is all pissy and shitty. Clean up your crotch and shut up, bitch! Someone go to the supermarket and grab the most expensive shitty invention by Swiffer because this chick has been farting and pissing and shitting her stonewashed jeans like a newborn who’s been drinking bacon grease from a bottle. You’re lucky it’s the 90’s because you’d be tazed and fucked up the ass to death in the street by police nowadays for that snarky shit, and it wouldn’t be nice, and you wouldn’t like it very much!
These fireside get-togethers are very suspiciously ethnically diverse in a let’s-cover-our-ass-for-TV kind of way. Don’t want to piss off the viewers…you know, THAT brain trust. Do you think it was a good or bad thing to cast this like that back then? Anybody? I don’t know. I don’t give a shit. All people are completely fucked as illustrated by seven seasons of this bullshit. Seven? I’ll check Wikipedia later, probably not though. Oh my fucking God…it’s over, and nothing at all followable happened. I don’t even understand how we arrived at the credits…they sort of just started to happen. This is how our entire generation became drug addicts. We are all fucked in the head, and I solely blame this show. Look at me…I’m drinking, and I didn’t even watch this shit, growing up.