Hey, it’s me and Rick, again. It’s been a pretty depressing month so we figured, why not top it off with something extra terrible to make us feel our utter worst? Then, we put this on…
Are You Afraid of the Dark
S01 E13 The Tale of the Pinball Wizard
Man… this intro really is a trigger for feeling like you just smeared shit through your hair. Hey, the 90’s kid is playing an old Gameboy. Well, it wasn’t old to him, I guess. Kids never talked this way, I don’t care what decade it was. Kids just are not fucking like this. I mean, I don’t know, maybe in some internetless backwoods midwestern town of twenty where people still make apple pie for each other and shit.
I hope when my parents named me they threw some magic sand into a fire and spoke it ominously into the flames, like this. This mall security guard is comedically fake. Also he is about nine feet tall and all stringy and bendy. It’s weird to imagine any kid in the 90’s being this into pinball machines. I mean, they’re cool and all that, but in the 90’s some of the most addictive and awesome games came out. There’s no way this kid is going to the back of some pawn shop to play a pinball machine every day. Uh oh, he snuck in the back room to play the forbidden pinball machine. Ahhh the old pawn shop creeper set him up. What a shitty fellow. Ohh, I bet she left her “music box” there. None of what I am writing makes any sense to you, does it?
They film him playing the pinball machine the way movies portray drug addicts going through a night of chain smoking crack pipes. Wow he’s in the mall after it closed, I wonder how weird that must feel. Seriously think about it for a second… the whole mall, dark and empty, except for you. I was once at the mall when it was just opening and besides the weirdos speed walking through the building for their early morning workout routine, and some workers, I was the only one there. It felt off-putting, and it was light out. But then again, the mall is always off-putting, mostly on account of the people in it. Maybe the mall, when it’s closed, would actually be better, then.
Oh so this is sort of like he is inside a game of Donkey Kong. This kid is no Mario, though. He’s more of an unlikeable Luigi. Ooh, something just splooged on his dumb face. He doesn’t even seem very shocked at all that some random mall locker just shot green slime at him. This bitch just makes him chase her around like fucking Lassie. Listen, Timmy is not in the well, dude, so cut your losses and move the fuck on. You might as well be chasing the dragon. You’re always gonna be chasing this chick, but we both know you’re never actually going to catch her.
This chick is emotionally unaffected by being gagged and chained to a chair. She needs to open up. Frankly, I’m not convinced. Why do all villains do all this dramatic fucking prefacing for everything? How fucking low must your self esteem be that you have to announce every plan you have just so people are all “Omg look how evil”. Just get the fuck on with your evil doing, stop making such a show of it.
Wow, tiny marbles rolled slowly across a floor and made a fucking witch with magical powers just fall to her death? I know this is all just a game but that was just poor storytelling. This whole plot would be such an intricate hidden camera show. Just making someone believe they were stuck inside of a video game.
Why isn’t that guy wearing pants?
UGHHHH WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’RE BACK AT THE BEGINNING AGAIN???? Listen kid, I won’t want to ride this fucking train forever, ok?
Ok, cool, so everyone dies at the end because they were shot with a super soaker. Got it. Thanks. Awesome… just… awesome…
Hey, turns out the kid is just stuck in the game for all eternity. I told you he’d chase her forever.
The Tale of the Pinball Wizard
Alright…here we go. Me and Sarah. With this again. This is going to be fucking wildery right off the bat. I’m guessing a fire and bunch of kids who tell stories about “friendly” old dudes. Yeah. Nothing pleasant is going to happen for anyone in this. It hasn’t started yet. I’m waiting. Hold on. My God. The anticipation is making me focus on my torso which pains me some recently. I am certain I am dying.
Ok…here we go. Boats, swings, and laughing children. Children are better not seen and not heard. Ok…there’s a Gameboy and a kid trying to cover up his first boner, I think. It looks that way. Who the hell wears an Alligator shirt to a camping trip…and brings a Gameboy? No one is going to experience any “firsts” on this trip. What are they talking about a key? That nerdy white kid is now mansplaining nothing to the native American kid. Naturally, right? Ok…so now everything is about to turn into a video game. I’m not going to explain why because I’m only half paying attention…but it’s just better you take my word for it. Wow…a mall in the 90’s! I wonder if there’s a Sam Goodie!
Wow…this kid is fishing in the wishing well for a nickle and now beating the shit out of a homeless woman. Back then, we let our homeless indoors. Before smartphones told us what to do. BOOOOM! An old guy buddying up with a young boy. EVERY. FUCKING. TIME. I don’t know. I just feel like Stranger Things was able to avoid this so what the effing fuck here?
Damn kid! Hands off that man’s old balls. He’s unbelievably protective of those things. I mean…if you think about it, they are delicate life giving organs just hanging outside the body! Just dangling there!!! Intelligent design my padded ass! Oh…now the kid, who frankly, is instigating the situation, here, is worried that the old guy with some impressively young looking hair with a nice ponytail…I don’t remember where I was going with this. I’m drinking, as I’m sure you can imagine. 😉
Ok…this kid is a thief, I think. This is the kid that like, sticks his dick in things and takes a picture. Back then, at the very worst, someone might photocopy that shit and hand it around at school. Then someone would call your parents. Everyone would shake their head. You’d be out of school for three days and for the rest of your life, everyone will recall that time that kid photocopied his dick and passed it around school. Good luck with that today.
Here’s the blond chick the doofy thief is definitely going to try to fuck on the DL has arrived. She keeps talking about her royal box. Now, he’s curiously looking for the box. It’s hysterical. NO WAY! She just asked him if he thinks her box is ready. You can’t make this shit up! She walked away. And now there are crazy Bill and Ted sound effect knock-offs all jangling about. The cameras keep cutting to random brick-a-brack.
I have literally no idea what is going on. He was playing pinball in this old dope movie house or mall or something and now it’s night and he’s locked in. I hope there’s no NAMBLA meeting happening tonight…because this would get hairy. Surely some zany antics would ensue. I wouldn’t be surprised by what I was just talking about: he can now steal all the change from the wishing well! OMG…Dan Ackroyd as a robot just tried to crush him…now there are lots of them. It’s like a Terminator 2 NAMBLA meeting. Heavy metal up your ass.
He’s just splashing water now. He sure is taking his stupid-looking time with this. WTF is he thinking? Vaults? Keys? They keep talking about this shit, but it never gets actually any context…it’s just mysterious but it isn’t really because of how fucking awful this is. I think he just found the hair barret of doom! Shit…I wouldn’t ride a haunted escalator. You’re just asking for trouble. And this dude is obsessed with free change. Oof…this is the part of the mall you don’t see. The part that only the janitors and managers see. I don’t know if that is a witch or the demon who runs the mall. Oh wait…I think she’s younger. A crown and some gold fingernails…that’s what I’m seeing right now.
Music box. I see something about that is happening. He needs to get that because she can, evidently, scream through brick fucking walls and now she’s just tied to a chair. FINALLY, someone asks, “What key?” She keeps asking him about her “music” box!? WTF is going on?! THIS is usually where the climax starts but it doesn’t matter because you don’t really understand if it’s buildup you’re watching or just some horrible nightmare. It’s not scary because it’s written that way…it’s just scary because your fucking life is spent looking at and cataloging the events held within it. Some crazy hooded character is just attacking this kid in the mall at night. I used to wonder how cool it would be to be stuck in the mall at night. I thought it would be cool because it’s so hard to have happen. OK…now there are magic marbles. I did not see that coming.
And…as usual, the old guy is just grabbin’ kids. I don’t understand. Nowadays, you’re tethered to your parents and dead great grandparents every time you jack off. Back then, and I’m not kidding, we just basically walked around all over doing whatever the fuck we wanted. It was awesome. Anyway, I think this show is nearly over. There’s a spinning throne and some whacky fucking Wheel of Fortuney sounding music and the witch made a spider web and now the hooded fellow is back with hammer and the elevator and the original “nice” “quirky” old dude.
Everything is starting over. OHHHH…I get it. He’s in a videogame but is playing with his life! That is dark. I still would not have paid much better attention because even though the premise is cool, it is the most terrible thing I’ve ever almost-watched. That water gun is like a Super Soaker that blasts semen. It WAS semen. I can see it. I’m looking at it. Now the old dude is waving his big stick at the big nose kid who can’t even badly act. Semen is burning the old man to death. How ironic. Be careful what you wish for fucker! And the blond chick is the queen.
And now I see. The creepy old dude has enslaved the young boy in a steampunk video game…and he’s killing the kid by smashing him with a giant metal ball. Typical. That’s, in a way, how I knew in my heart it would end.
Oh…dorkfuck with the glasses is trying to talk spooky to his group of lesser-thans about a Gameboy. I hope he rolls into the fire in his sleep. FUCKING DONE.
Hey, guys? Sarah here, again. I have some great news, before you go… with this review, SEASON ONE IS FINALLY COMPLETE! Only seventy-eight more episodes to go!
God, kill me…