Archive for the ‘whatevs’ Category

In my Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it, I’ll be the grandest lady in the Easter parade…


Hello, my much-neglected readers, how are you? That’s nice.

The other day I saw someone with a bumper sticker that said “I am Catholic, AND I vote!”, and I thought to myself, who the fuck cares? I wonder what sort of self deluded cunt wipe would actually think they are so important to the world that they need every stranger on a busy highway to be aware of what stupid religion they are. Weirdly, the way it’s worded, it sounds more like a threat than it does any proclamation of who and what they are. Like, hey I believe in dumb shit that will fuck up your life, AND I take part in society by voting to make sure your life is going to suck because of it! YAY!

I don’t put bumper stickers on my car, but I just can’t imagine ever feeling like I was so important to every random driver that passed me, that I needed to let them know who I was and what I believed. I seem to just hate people in general these days, but this new widespread disease of self-importance seems to be running rampant and it’s getting sickening. And once again, I blame facebook. It has deluded millions into thinking that they’re so important people actually give a fuck if they just got out of the shower, if their cat just thew up, or if they happen to be bored at the moment so they’re going to go watch a movie. Who the fuck cares that much about every single moment and detail about someone else’s existence? They’re so much dumb shit constantly posted to the internet that anything actually important is drowned out by the plethora of mind-numbing horse shit people are constantly puking forth from their face holes.

Before you post something, buy a sticker, buy a tshirt, or whatever way you want to proudly scream to the world that you’re a person, and you’re special, think about how fucking boring and stupid and pointless what you’re writing is, then either shut up or go do something worth reading and caring about instead.

All my dumb shit is on my website, if you don’t like it, don’t read it. If I got my posts painted all over my car, I would invite others to have fun egging it.

Oh yeah, fuck Easter.

And one more thing, I realize I don’t post much these days, but so is life when you’re dying. Not, oh I have a cold, omg I’m dying, but, oh I have a fatal bacterial infection slowly eating each of my organs, type of dying, so posts are scarce at times.

It’s that time again…


Hey look, it’s Christmas, the time of year I lovingly post the star wars holiday special every single year for you to cry and gauge your eyes out over.
Where have I been, you ask? Like you fucking care. Cheers!

Social Experiment #39043Bh-ZX1


Make this famous, spread the Goldblum.



Post-op Trannydactyl


So, I promised fellow smeat movie reviewer, Joe, that I would make him a “trannydactyl”. Originally I said I’d make one with cut out pictures from magazines, but you’d be surprised how few pictures there really are left of actual pterodactyls. Body parts are easy. So here is your post-op, in femskin, trannydactyl. He still doesn’t have the money for surgery, but he feels confident flying around in his fleshy woman-shaped outer shell, wig, and little slot for his penis head to stick out and pretend it’s an enormous clit.
Pleasant dreams, all.

The internet is ruining us all (parte dos)


You know what I hate? Well, you’re reading this crap, so you should, but in case you didn’t know, I hate furries. But more specifically, I hate their propensity for making really terrible artwork of their “fursonas”, it’s horrible, all of it. I don’t want to see a thirty-five year old dude dressed as a raccoon who likes to fuck people in rabbit costumes, and I definitely don’t want to see his mentally challenged crayon drawings of what he thinks he looks like, either. But I DO want to show it all to you. Why? Well because I look at this crap and if I see it, you need to suffer as well. These are the people that are ruining the internet, my second edition…

I call her Sally, the suicidal bat.

I call him, "God I hate the person who made this exist"

Oh, hey guys, this mask is who I am on the -inside-.

Please don't let these people have pets. EVER!

I don't get the weirdo sonic fetish, btw. Fucker runs fast and collects rings, leave him alone.

Also, this isn’t really related, but I wanted you to feel worse about yourself for being here…
you will have nightmares

Been a while since I did one of these…


Hey, I'm an ugly whore who won't get better with age!

Haven’t done an Are You Afraid of the Dark? review in a long time, and so I said, hey, I’m going to do one, well, not so much review, these are more… watchalong comments.

S01 E05 The Tale of the Hungry Hounds

Well well if it isn’t the ole’ lesbo gang, hanging out in the woods and blahblahblah. Dun dun dunnnn there’s howling oh nooooo what will they do? Oh they’re still making fun of blondie while simultaneously all lesbo-ing after her. And she’s the storyteller this time around. meh.

Hey this episode stars Mia Kirshner, someone told me I looked like her once, I completely disagree, but it would be kind of cool if it was actually true. There’s an attic with a woman with a white sheet over her head, she must have read that wikihow on how to make a cheap ghost costume. Ahhh she just misquoted Hamlet, that annoys me tremendously. Oh they’re goonie-ing this shit up and finding random stuff in the attic now.

They find an old chest, it can’t be opened, it’s time for dinner, or to feed the dog, or eat it or some shit. Now they look at horses, and she pulls a carrot out of her ass, seriously, she does. She isn’t allowed to ride horses, and her mother is angry about horses, she must have had an uncle turned into glue or something.

Now they’re suddenly playing with a ouija board out in a field, no idea why the board is partly in French, though, but it is. The board tells them they’re annoying little cunts and to stop waking up the ghosts. Her friend has the worst hair cut ever, and she looks like a fifty year old widow. And it also gives the the combination to the chest. 1-4-9 guys, remember that.

The chest seems to have a fog machine in it, and some stuff for bondage night. Now she puts on the clothes and suddenly turns into a whore. It’s weird. This part really seriously makes no fucking sense at all. She walks through a hole in the attic wall, down some stairs to a field, and suddenly they’re in the woods. You know what, fuck this, I went through twelve minutes of hell, and I’m not finishing this. Watch it yourselves, I’m not in the mood for lesbian horse-fucking orgy movies.

Goodnight, fuckos.

ps… new mp3 of the moment up over on the right, particularly spectacular choice this time around if you liked the first Troll movie.

Happy Birthday, Krank!


Today is Krank's birthday, so let's all celebrate with the scary birthday clown. Have a good one, you old bastard.

Mugsy’s Request:


“Draw me a small home that exists in a world themed after Thanksgiving. include a landscape if needed. and make it erotic.”

A world of mashed potato and gravy hills, cranberry sauce rivers, a giant fork ready to eat it all, and turkey drumstick birds. And yes, the dick plants make it erotic, duh!

mp3 of the moment updated

You’re all horrible people, you’re all going to hell, you should all be ashamed of yourselves…


So, it’s been years since I bothered posting search statistics on my site, not because they weren’t horrifyingly interesting to me, but because my host is a dick and navigating through the sludge they call a website is too much trouble for me to give a fuck to bother doing anymore. But I was talking about with the proud owner of Mecha Duck, and decided to see what you wretched fucks have been searching for to end up here in the innocent, lovely old spookymeat. All I have to say is, WHAT. THE. FUCK. You people need some help, and I have no idea how some of that stuff even gets people to smeat in the first place. You all need a good talking to, that’s what I think. When I said the internet is ruining people, I guess I was also talking about my website. It’s going to ruin you, stop it. STOP IT. I take no responsibility for this. NOPE. (I blurred out a phone number, it was of a business, and I don’t think he would enjoy being associated with you filthy hooligans; I also took out anything child related because seriously guys, what the fuck is wrong with you?)

I have some bad news for you…


Yesterday my eyeballs had the horror of seeing a fake trangina that allows a dickhead to stick out where a clit should be.

And today you’re sharing my nightmare.




You’re very welcome.

Krank’s request:


“Draw me a octopus bodied koala bear eating bacon from the teets of a centaur, please. And make it erotic.”


(the dildo made it erotic, duh!)

The future is NoOooOoOoOWWWwWWw…


old meat.

So, as I was saying the other day, I was looking through some old Smeat posts from the beginning of the site, posts from 2002ish, a little earlier, some a little later, and found a conversation I had on a livechat for a product called Humanclick, basically, you pay to have a their live chat service on your website so you can talk with your visitors/customers/whatever the fucks. I wondered if the company still existed, and BEHOLD, it certainly, and surprisingly, does. So here is a peek into the past (lovingly typed out with less grammatical interference), and a look at the present.

2002 conversation:


Back to where it all began:


So, I was looking through the old Spookymeat vaults and decided to post old aim stuff I found from over ten years ago now, back in the early Smeat days, when I would find random people on AIM to annoy in different chat rooms. You can pretty much tell which one is me. Enjoy, folks…

Ever have your face eaten from the inside by the brain worms?


Hey, I don’t have an update, but you probably thought there was one here, so consider that my supreme april tomfoolery. On the other hand, Mecha Duck has an update, so why don’t you stroll on over and give that a gander. You can get there by clicking on the heartwarming juggalo couple above, or here, or here, or here (I lied about one of those).




I came here to write something so as to satiate Sarah’s drooling readership after hearing no response for sometime from her and assuming she had run off to Peru to finally live out her dreams of being a humble coffee bean thief but it appears my threats have been answered. Lesson here is: Threats work. Use them often and vehemently. Be it with friends, family, co-workers, parents or children, rest assured they will attain the results you desire eventually. If the cops become involved, blame it on the internet. That being said, as I am here anyways I might as well write something, thereby pushing dear Sarah’s recent post down into the oblivion of old posts and regaling mine to the shining, lustrous top of the shit gold pile. El Saraho has stumbled upon quite an intriguing topic, that of the horrendous and unwavering decimation of our species by the advent of the internet. Who knows what you’d be doing right now if it weren’t for this soul sucking machine. Probably watching TV spending time with family and friends, reading text books in order to better yourself or be out in the community offering a helping hand to the less fortunate who surround us. Or most likely sitting around, jerking off while having vivid fantasies of having under-aged girls shit on your chest, all the while thinking, there is something seriously wrong with me (for the record there is, even if there are a hundred thousand websites devoted to it). Because the internet didn’t invent these types of people. Dudes weren’t content with missionary sex with their spouse with the lights off while they pray to their God not to smite them because they had a flashing thought of that women at the general store who seemed as though she may have looked at them in a sultry way for a split second while they’re balls deep in their loving wife. People didn’t start making up stupid, unfunny shit once broadband came around.

The same stupid jokes would have just been passed around to their circle of friends via notes and poorly told stories otherwise, and while you could argue that at least it wouldn’t be so far reaching if we weren’t all so “connected”, it doesn’t excuse the fact that all these assholes still existed prior to 56k. The truth is, the internet has merely brought all of these scumfucks together and allowed them the feeling that they are not alone, and that it’s okay to put on a gas mask and have a fat woman fart into the air intake tube while they breathe in deeply. Which I firmly believe is a lot better than having them leering around me on the subway on the day they finally burst and start raping everything, including myself. I’m too handsome to be raped. I could prove that with science. But I won’t here. Catch my upcoming segment on TED for that dissertation.

The interwebs also weed out the weak and talentless from our already waaayyy past capacity population, as the very people Sarah lambasted previously will be harangued and ridiculed by countless web jockeys to the point of utter and complete despair, spiraling them down from having their false sense of pride in their pathetic “abilities” to a ever-gnawing wish to be floating face down in the river Styx. This would have otherwise gone unchecked had they only friends to perform for. Friends would feel too bad to rebuke and chide them for their awful, awful, awful attempts at entertainment, but the anonymous and vicious web patrons have no connection to these monstrous idiots, and are comfortable saying things that are so brutal and harrowing that they should be brought up on charges and tried at the Hague. Which ends in the countless and ever welcomed suicides we are told about in various news stories which usually contain a cautionary message to be nicer to these fat inept asshats. But really, look who just saved the planet another walking consumption machine who deserves our derision based on nothing more than the fact that they can’t sing/form coherent thoughts/lose weight? You did, internet goers!! Congratulations to you!

Sure their untimely end leaves behind devastation, depression and self-loathing at the end of their poorly tied ropes for their relatives and friends, but hey, those people should have been better at being relatives and friends and told them not to post such bogus shit to begin with. Epic fail on their part, amirite?

Hey, starcoochie, wanna eat some cumquats and talk about space magic?


It’s been a long fucking time. And despite Krank’s multiple insistences on me updating this site, including threats, I have neglected you all, my waning, readers. But now I am here, ready to satiate your need for pointless articles talking shit about people that don’t know I exist. Now, I realize that my absence has lead to many of you quitting the interwebs altogether, and I don’t blame you, without my guidance, what could you possibly have done, otherwise? And I’m proud of you, because the internet is ruining you, and you aren’t even aware it’s happening. ARE YOU?!

Pure shit travels across the internet and into peoples’ brain meats so fast, they don’t even realize they’re being completely ruined. Do you think without the internet you’d really have some stupid obsession with multiples of the following:

1. zombie apocalypses
2. bacon
3. things being “epic” (almost always used in the wrong context)
4. using the word “fail” constantly, or the worst offender “epic fail”
5. blahlbhalbhalbh there’s too many…

Anyway, this needs to be put in check a bit. Who would you be without the internet raping your brain? DO YOU EVEN KNOW? Careful of how far into the matrix you slip and slide, because this is the kind of shit that happens when you’re finally face fucked by it:

Take these videos as a warning, people, because if you’re not careful, the internet is going to hump your leg so hard you’re going to wake up a morbidly obese juggalo with a sudden urge to sing showtunes on the internet while fucking a pillow that looks like sailor moon. Or maybe it’s just too late for you.

More to come…

oh and PS:
This site needs to be more give and take, tell me to draw you something in the comments and your wish shall be granted in an upcoming post. Also, some sort of audio addition should be added to this shitbox as well, don’t you think?

Which reminds me, mp3 of the moment has been updated, finger frickin’ lickin’ good. –>

It’s that time again…


Well, I haven’t been posting much these past few months, good thing Krank stepped in to provide you with some warm holiday comfort. Anyway, as per tradition, I present to you the Star Wars Holiday Special, something I have posted at this time every year since forevers. Cheers, jerks. I’ll see you in 2012, when the world ends and spookymeat survives the apocalypse (again). Also, actual posts in 2012, holy fuck, maybe the world really is going to end.

Fucking Viva


okOther than this goddamned incessant scratching, can’t say I really dislike heroin.

And why should I? The entire idea of drug horrors is a long-standing Theological and therefore Governmental hate machine poised on posturing you, the public, the people, the proletariat, the puke, the piss-ants, the populace, from really discovering all that you can experience in life. Take a stroll down any major city street and you can be greeted by the happy, hopeful, hacienda owning members of our society who live freely and without any sort of debilitating, dreadful, drippingstrangefluidswhichproducesmellsandsightsthemindbarelycomprehends whatsoever! Therefore, I propose in this prose to propagate, proselytize, plead and purvey to the young readers that you should take every available measure to do every drug ever envisaged in the history of man. Among the positives of narcotics, we have:

– The only source of income in Afghanistan.
– A spirited race for supremacy in Mexico, resulting in high job turn-over and many opportunities for employment for the young and poor male citizens of both Mexico and the United States.
– A way for under-privileged United States citizens to make their living in a motor home, so long as they have proper ventilation, chemicals, tubes, beakers and handy internet guides.
– The ability to not have to think about how horrible your life is.
– A great way to meet and have sex with unconscious women.
– One time I saw a woolly mammoth wearing a top hat and monocle run through my living room with the broken, mangled limbs of my children hanging limply from it’s mouth. The weird thing was, I don’t even have children.
– The ability to not have to think about how horrible your life is. This is repeated because srsly.
– Near-death experiences are a great ice breaker at corporate events.
– Being a drug addict is a great asset at corporate events.
– I hate corporate events.

is this racist or delicious?Add to this list the fact that as our life expectancies decline, thanks in part to how fucking fat you all are, our economy continues to scream and plead under the ever-increasing burden being placed upon her shoulders, our pensions and infrastructure continue to fade and the foreign devils continue to remind us that they own us, the only thing we can turn to in order to remediate this never-ending hell of a society are vicious, Class-A narcotics! They keep us happy and ostensibly anger the Government!

it’s true…


“To sarah:


I am very surprised of level of that internet page. I\’ve never read so feeble texts, total waste of time!”

Would you like some star shine with that octopus pie?


It’s been a long time since I did a rambly drug-induced update like back in the good ole’ days. I don’t have much to talk about; As of writing this update, I have not yet been raped by a dolphin. I stay far away from the water, and was told that they can only flip-flop a bit onto land. I don’t believe all the rumors going around that some have small legs and walk right out of the ocean, they look sort of like walking grey bananas. They only have one thing on their mind, and that is to seek out helpless humans and dolphin-rape them into next summer.

So yeah, don’t have to worry about that, I know how to stay safe. Right now, it’s sort of like my head is floating just above my body and everything around me looks like it’s floating sort of like balloons, too.

Hi, I just stand around in this dream being useless, I don't try to save anyone, I'm just a cock.

Oh yeah, and that Cartoon All-Stars whatever the hell it was called, gave me nightmares. I’m not sure what the fuck, but here’s basically what I remember: someone died inside this temple sort of place and the people I was with were there and the dead person was being put in a hole and where ever we were, it wasnt really -our- place to be, we were intruders somehow, and I was fighting with everyone because something was off, like the person was killed in some way or something was about to happen that was wrong and I was trying to make the people I was with listen to reason but they were just fuckers. At some point there was some rogue fucker that shrunk down and got out of the temple place and was ran out and was somewhere on the grounds and was out to kill. and I said fuck this and grabbed a gun to shoot through the windows, because I knew roughly where the tiny person had run to, but something was wrong with the gun, I dont remember what, so I said fuck that and grabbed this really long gun thing that shot these white, pointy sort of not really darts, I dont know how to describe them…

Anyway there were a bunch of people in the temple too, and they were sort of lined up against the walls, pissed, and wanting us to leave, kind of, like someone did something not okay and we were being blamed. Oh yeah, and during the part where the dead person was in the hole, the guy who played the elf in LOTR was one of the people standing there, and he just got back from somthing and I think I was trying to tell him about the plans that people had to fuck us all up but the person standing next to me wanted to go stand by him because they wanted him or something retarded, and I was tring to get everyone to realize that bad things were going to happen.

I stole this picture from somewhere google image sent me to. Do you want these guys lined up and ready to eat your face?

So then there was what I think was maybe a hidden back room sort of area, and there were tons of characters from stupid old shows, all in costumes, but it was really them, even though there were multiples of the same characters, like tons of ninja turtles and stuff, and they were all against the walls sort of yelling stuff at us in the middle of the room and I was going around the room looking at all of them and people were screaming “MURDERER! MURDERER!” over and over again, but I’m not sure where that was coming from, I just remember there was an iminent sense of danger, and then someone saying that by some point we had to gtfo because the temple would be burned.

fuck that dream.

new mp3 of the moment is up—>