Archive for the ‘review’ Category

He sure is taking his stupid-looking time with this…

04/25/2017

Hey, it’s me and Rick, again.  It’s been a pretty depressing month so we figured, why not top it off with something extra terrible to make us feel our utter worst? Then, we put this on…

Are You Afraid of the Dark
S01 E13 The Tale of the Pinball Wizard

Sarah:

Man… this intro really is a trigger for feeling like you just smeared shit through your hair.  Hey, the 90’s kid is playing an old Gameboy. Well, it wasn’t old to him, I guess.  Kids never talked this way, I don’t care what decade it was.  Kids just are not fucking like this.  I mean, I don’t know, maybe in some internetless backwoods midwestern town of twenty where people still make apple pie for each other and shit.

I hope when my parents named me they threw some magic sand into a fire and spoke it ominously into the flames, like this.  This mall security guard is comedically fake.  Also he is about nine feet tall and all stringy and bendy.  It’s weird to imagine any kid in the 90’s being this into pinball machines. I mean, they’re cool and all that, but in the 90’s some of the most addictive and awesome games came out. There’s no way this kid is going to the back of some pawn shop to play a pinball machine every day.  Uh oh, he snuck in the back room to play the forbidden pinball machine. Ahhh the old pawn shop creeper set him up.  What a shitty fellow.  Ohh, I bet she left her “music box” there.  None of what I am writing makes any sense to you, does it?  

They film him playing the pinball machine the way movies portray drug addicts going through a night of chain smoking crack pipes.  Wow he’s in the mall after it closed, I wonder how weird that must feel.  Seriously think about it for a second… the whole mall, dark and empty, except for you.  I was once at the mall when it was just opening and besides the weirdos speed walking through the building for their early morning workout routine, and some workers, I was the only one there.  It felt off-putting, and it was light out.  But then again, the mall is always off-putting, mostly on account of the people in it.  Maybe the mall, when it’s closed, would actually be better, then.

Oh so this is sort of like he is inside a game of Donkey Kong.  This kid is no Mario, though.  He’s more of an unlikeable Luigi. Ooh, something just splooged on his dumb face. He doesn’t even seem very shocked at all that some random mall locker just shot green slime at him. This bitch just makes him chase her around like fucking Lassie.  Listen, Timmy is not in the well, dude, so cut your losses and move the fuck on.  You might as well be chasing the dragon. You’re always gonna be chasing this chick, but we both know you’re never actually going to catch her.

This chick is emotionally unaffected by being gagged and chained to a chair.  She needs to open up.  Frankly, I’m not convinced.  Why do all villains do all this dramatic fucking prefacing for everything? How fucking low must your self esteem be that you have to announce every plan you have just so people are all “Omg look how evil”.  Just get the fuck on with your evil doing, stop making such a show of it.

See! No fucking pants!

Wow, tiny marbles rolled slowly across a floor and made a fucking witch with magical powers just fall to her death? I know this is all just a game but that was just poor storytelling. This whole plot would be such an intricate hidden camera show. Just making someone believe they were stuck inside of a video game.  

Why isn’t that guy wearing pants?

 

UGHHHH WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’RE BACK AT THE BEGINNING AGAIN???? Listen kid, I won’t want to ride this fucking train forever, ok?


Ok, cool, so everyone dies at the end because they were shot with a super soaker.  Got it.  Thanks. Awesome… just… awesome…

Hey, turns out the kid is just stuck in the game for all eternity.  I told you he’d chase her forever.

 


Rick:

The Tale of the Pinball Wizard

Alright…here we go. Me and Sarah. With this again. This is going to be fucking wildery right off the bat. I’m guessing a fire and bunch of kids who tell stories about “friendly” old dudes. Yeah. Nothing pleasant is going to happen for anyone in this. It hasn’t started yet. I’m waiting. Hold on. My God. The anticipation is making me focus on my torso which pains me some recently. I am certain I am dying.

Ok…here we go. Boats, swings, and laughing children. Children are better not seen and not heard. Ok…there’s a Gameboy and a kid trying to cover up his first boner, I think. It looks that way. Who the hell wears an Alligator shirt to a camping trip…and brings a Gameboy? No one is going to experience any “firsts” on this trip. What are they talking about a key? That nerdy white kid is now mansplaining nothing to the native American kid. Naturally, right? Ok…so now everything is about to turn into a video game. I’m not going to explain why because I’m only half paying attention…but it’s just better you take my word for it. Wow…a mall in the 90’s! I wonder if there’s a Sam Goodie!

Wow…this kid is fishing in the wishing well for a nickle and now beating the shit out of a homeless woman. Back then, we let our homeless indoors. Before smartphones told us what to do. BOOOOM! An old guy buddying up with a young boy. EVERY. FUCKING. TIME. I don’t know. I just feel like Stranger Things was able to avoid this so what the effing fuck here?

Damn kid! Hands off that man’s old balls. He’s unbelievably protective of those things. I mean…if you think about it, they are delicate life giving organs just hanging outside the body! Just dangling there!!! Intelligent design my padded ass! Oh…now the kid, who frankly, is instigating the situation, here, is worried that the old guy with some impressively young looking hair with a nice ponytail…I don’t remember where I was going with this. I’m drinking, as I’m sure you can imagine. 😉

Ok…this kid is a thief, I think. This is the kid that like, sticks his dick in things and takes a picture. Back then, at the very worst, someone might photocopy that shit and hand it around at school. Then someone would call your parents. Everyone would shake their head. You’d be out of school for three days and for the rest of your life, everyone will recall that time that kid photocopied his dick and passed it around school. Good luck with that today.

Here’s the blond chick the doofy thief is definitely going to try to fuck on the DL has arrived. She keeps talking about her royal box. Now, he’s curiously looking for the box. It’s hysterical. NO WAY! She just asked him if he thinks her box is ready. You can’t make this shit up! She walked away. And now there are crazy Bill and Ted sound effect knock-offs all jangling about. The cameras keep cutting to random brick-a-brack.

I have literally no idea what is going on. He was playing pinball in this old dope movie house or mall or something and now it’s night and he’s locked in. I hope there’s no NAMBLA meeting happening tonight…because this would get hairy. Surely some zany antics would ensue. I wouldn’t be surprised by what I was just talking about: he can now steal all the change from the wishing well! OMG…Dan Ackroyd as a robot just tried to crush him…now there are lots of them. It’s like a Terminator 2 NAMBLA meeting. Heavy metal up your ass.

He’s just splashing water now. He sure is taking his stupid-looking time with this. WTF is he thinking? Vaults? Keys? They keep talking about this shit, but it never gets actually any context…it’s just mysterious but it isn’t really because of how fucking awful this is. I think he just found the hair barret of doom! Shit…I wouldn’t ride a haunted escalator. You’re just asking for trouble. And this dude is obsessed with free change. Oof…this is the part of the mall you don’t see. The part that only the janitors and managers see. I don’t know if that is a witch or the demon who runs the mall. Oh wait…I think she’s younger. A crown and some gold fingernails…that’s what I’m seeing right now.

Music box. I see something about that is happening. He needs to get that because she can, evidently, scream through brick fucking walls and now she’s just tied to a chair. FINALLY, someone asks, “What key?” She keeps asking him about her “music” box!? WTF is going on?! THIS is usually where the climax starts but it doesn’t matter because you don’t really understand if it’s buildup you’re watching or just some horrible nightmare. It’s not scary because it’s written that way…it’s just scary because your fucking life is spent looking at and cataloging the events held within it. Some crazy hooded character is just attacking this kid in the mall at night. I used to wonder how cool it would be to be stuck in the mall at night. I thought it would be cool because it’s so hard to have happen. OK…now there are magic marbles. I did not see that coming.

And…as usual, the old guy is just grabbin’ kids. I don’t understand. Nowadays, you’re tethered to your parents and dead great grandparents every time you jack off. Back then, and I’m not kidding, we just basically walked around all over doing whatever the fuck we wanted. It was awesome. Anyway, I think this show is nearly over. There’s a spinning throne and some whacky fucking Wheel of Fortuney sounding music and the witch made a spider web and now the hooded fellow is back with hammer and the elevator and the original “nice” “quirky” old dude.

Everything is starting over. OHHHH…I get it. He’s in a videogame but is playing with his life! That is dark. I still would not have paid much better attention because even though the premise is cool, it is the most terrible thing I’ve ever almost-watched. That water gun is like a Super Soaker that blasts semen. It WAS semen. I can see it. I’m looking at it. Now the old dude is waving his big stick at the big nose kid who can’t even badly act. Semen is burning the old man to death. How ironic. Be careful what you wish for fucker! And the blond chick is the queen.

And now I see. The creepy old dude has enslaved the young boy in a steampunk video game…and he’s killing the kid by smashing him with a giant metal ball. Typical. That’s, in a way, how I knew in my heart it would end.

Oh…dorkfuck with the glasses is trying to talk spooky to his group of lesser-thans about a Gameboy. I hope he rolls into the fire in his sleep. FUCKING DONE.


Hey, guys?  Sarah here, again.  I have some great news, before you go…  with this review, SEASON ONE IS FINALLY COMPLETE!  Only seventy-eight more episodes to go!  God, kill me…

The Tale of The d… wait… no…

07/28/2015

Season 1 Episode 11

The Tale of The Dark Music

Here I am, and here you are. A weird turn of events, for sure, but let us look past that. I am here to tell you the tale of the tale of the dark music. For that is the next in our traipsing through the cinematic majesty that is are you afraid of the dark. shall we begin…

That kid always wears big dirty sweaters. He looks like rat. He has rat teeth. Sit down Frank, don’t be strange! Yeah don’t be strange Frank, be normal like these piss ass sack mongers.

Anyway…

dude has a paper route, i feel like there are a lot of people with paper routes on this show, I wonder what’s in store for season two. maybe by then kids are all delivering future shit on space skateboards.

Well shit, we’ve seen this already in some previously inebriated state of being.  Let’s try that again…

Hurrrrr……

Season 01 Episode 12!!!!!!!11!!!!1!1111!!!!!

The Tale of The Prom Queen

Ughhh here we go again, way sooner than frankly, anyone was hoping for. Yadda yadda yadda… some kids talking… the show is trying to be creepy, annnnnd go…

This kid looks like someone pissed on his sandwich. He looks like someone took the distort tool and smudged his face downwards in Photoshop but in  real life, instead.  If any kid tried to act like these kids do, with any sort of interest in anything, or intellectual curiosity, they’d be shot dead. Then fucked in the ass by something stupid, like a biology textbook, then splattered all over YouTube.

Anyway, here is the tale of the fuking prom queen.

Chick in a cemetery, that cemetery looks really familiar, I think I live by there. I wonder if this is just some  meandering cemetery stock footage. There are just hundreds of hours of footage of panning cemetery hosts. This goes on so fucking long. We get it, you’re in a fucking cemetery.

There is A LOT of this.

There is A LOT of this.

This guy looks like a Hispanic, tap-dancing cruise ship director. His eyebrows have a personality all their own.  I like how they just assume she is in a cemetery looking for ghosts. I don’t know, maybe shes there to fucking go to a grave? Or maybe fuck her dead mother, I don’t fucking care.

Oooooh the prom queen story blahblah it was foggy, she got hit by a car, she was a squished banana.  He says -burry-, not bury. Like burr-ree. Who the fuck pronounces it like that? It makes me hate him and his hair even more.  What the fuck is it with how he pronounces shit? ugh.

I hate how he tries to look mysterious by looking up with his head tilted down. Why do teenagers always think that makes them look threatening and interesting?  This kid looks like he would be in a 1980s Wrigley gum commercial. holy shit. his hair always looks like it is blowing back in the wind, even with no wind.  It’s mesmerizing. I think there is probably just as much stock footage of door knobs turning creepily as there are wide panning shots of cemeteries.  His eyebrows mean business.

SOMEONE IS LURKING IN THE SHADOWS! I wonder if it’s someone hidden in his eyebrows. I think the chick wants to fuck the dude that isn’t the dude that wants to fuck her.  She seems all hard-up to impress him.  The dude that’s into her keeps trying to talk and she just fucks off like an oblivious twat. Now she’s back to sucking the other dude’s weird dick again.

Check these bitchin brows out, foxy ladies.

Check these bitchin brows out, foxy ladies.

Where the fuck did some jacked-up kids get a fucking boat? They just happen to have a row boat just there conveniently for them to have their water séance. Why would you call a ghost that got in a car accident back by doing it sitting in the middle of a lake? I might not know the rules to this insane bullshit, but i feel like doing it on water would have felt counterproductive to people who actually believe in this kind of horse cum.

Oooh bubbles in the dark water, better get your random-ass boat out of there, kids.  It could have been wah wah wah no ghost blah blah blah. Man, people sure are pussies over ghosts. Think about how many more dead people there are than alive people If ghosts were a thing, and they were evil nightmare monsters, wouldn’t the sheer number of them, alone, be enough to have annihilated us, all?  Not just float around in hallways, opening and closing kitchen cabinets for funsies.

Wow, didn’t they save anything at all in the budget for this ghost costume. Jesus this is terrible, it just looks like someone with a table cloth draped on them. Oh good, it wasn’t real. It was just a goof. Duuurrr.The fifties ghost man is here now, furrealllsss, and the girl is suddenly transformed into a Disney princess. SO WAIT…. the ghost had a séance in order to call a ghost to her she couldn’t get to before even though she held the fucking séance essentially by herself while they just gawked with their dumb teenage mouth agape and stupid.
Now the float away into the ghost world of the fifties where she can get pregnant after he goes off in the navy, and she goes to an all girl’s school for whores and miscreants. hey it’s over.

==================
It’s IAMRICKSEE’s turn now:

I have been drinking these Cony Island hard Root Beers for two straight hours…so, in my opinion, I’m prepared to begin another review of Are You Afraid of the Dark? This show is more painful than what I imagine being a parent must feel like. Ok..spooky skateboards in the attic…let’s get this “show” on the road!

This dork always has his dumb fuck face sticking out. And now there is some anger amongst the sweater wearing fucktards of the 90’s. I seriously want to spork my dick off when I see what these dudes wore in the 90’s. Now, this one kid is talking like he is “disabled” or whatever the fuck. Oh yeah…this has something to do with music. Probably a bunch of dudes farting and a bunch of chicks blowing air out of their twats. No big deal. Ok… I just had to stop to really examine the screen for a minute. Wait…I’ve seen this one already and I’m sure as shit NOT doing THIS again.

DO OVER!

Ok…so now we are starting the “right” one! I hope, anyway, because we can’t get this time back. Ah…root beer…the way grandpa INTENDED! Sarah is now putting on the correct episode. I don’t know what number it is and now I know the title even though I did not ask…it is called The Tale of the Prom Queen…or is it “Tail?” Here we go. I got my junk strapped in tight like it got caught in a mousetrap, and I’m ready to set FIRE to this shit.

And the match is lit…because this whole thing stinks! Spooky white linens in the woods…this must take place in the south. These kids are just quiet around the fire. No cell phones….just dicking around. I don’t know what to call that haircut. It’s just 90’s dude, lesbian, combed down the middle cut. Ok, so the ghost is evidently here. Oh, it’s one of these idiots all dressed up to tell a spooky story. I’m titillated. The dork kid just through some epsom salt into the fire. That is all that happened and now there is a graveyard in broad daylight. OMG…why the fuck…that ponytail is one to be reckoned with if I do say so myself. But let’s be clear here…there is nothing spooky about a graveyard in the day. Except for this chick’s choice of clothes. There was a shocking moment with an explosion of birds and NOW a rapist! And another one. Wait…no…that guy just said “goof.” Guys who use that word don’t usually hurt people. But they are bitches usually. And you’d never see a young chick these days just chatting it up with guys in the graveyard she just met these days, unless she plans to be murdered out there. #amirite.

Anyway, all this talk of the prom is making me thirsty. Ok…so some bitch got hit by a car, according to the acne twins here. I think he’s making this shit up to make that ponytailed chick with the crazy eyebrows moist. The acting here is making me sick. Now, they’re all caring and shit and she’s just gonna go with these guys to dig up a grave. Someone is getting fucked. Where is the old dude!? I know there’s an old dude. There ALWAYS an old dude in these shows in some inexplicable relationship with a bunch of teenagers. Ha! That bitch just said they should go to the police! NO ONE says THAT anymore! The 90’s were cute!

Holy shit! They are looking for information in a library. You know…literally nothing at all has happened. This show is worse than accidentally cumming in your own mouth. With AIDS! What is with these dudes on tv back then who all have that stupid Spicoli look? OK! HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE! Old chick just showed up. I FUCKING knew there was going to be someone old that shows up and starts fucking shit up! NEVER tuck your shirt into your jeans. I think this should also be the rule on casual Friday and during a job interview at any hipster company. Let’s just be honest. It’s wrong. Eyebrows and The Fonz here are definitely going to fuck and have annoying acne covered babies with HUGE FUCKING eyebrows. I am, admittedly, an eyebrow shamer. The MOOOON. Why are they in a fucking boat? She doesn’t even know this guy! Oh…now that annoying surfer looking white guy is getting all pussed out and this chick don’t give a fuck anymore. The film quality is very poor. Not like, the way it looks. I mean the directing and the acting and the camera angles and all that stuff. Plus, their boat is weirdly over-lit. It’s a bit…I dunno…off-putting.

So “Ricky” is wearing a red leather Michael Jackson jacket. It looks very bad. Ok, anchor, I think was eaten so hopefully they’ll all float to sea and starve to death, and we can all move on with our lives; no mourning period needed. Just pick up where we left off. The lake is farting. I don’t know why we are at the lake but guaranteed it’s cleaner than lakes now. I would not go near a lake now and I hate nature. I don’t want anything to happen bad out there, but I don’t need to be there. Anyway, I think something is happening. A ghost just threw a used tampon into a fire. I’m very certain that’s what it was. Judy Larsen. You cunt. Everywhere these fucking idiots go, it’s like, totally brightly lit and most of this takes place outside at night.

Boy…these fucking kids piss and moan a lot. Either you want to see a stupid ghost or you don’t. Nobody is making you stay, pussy. Boom…Jacob Marley just appeared. Now Spanish Arthur Fonzarelli is all pissed off because that white goofy fucktard’s cousin who looks like a chick dressed up as a ghost and now someone is hotboxing the woods. Maybe something will get better. Not for their situation, I mean quality of the show. OH! The chick, who looks MORE like a dude when she wears a pretty foofy dress, somehow, is the ghost, and her ‘57 Chevy from the other side, has picked her up so her date can fuck her in the ass for a memorable prom night. Better get pictures with the grandparents first, because some things cannot be undone and they change you as a person and it WILL show in the pictures because trying to feign a smile while your butt hole is all pooched is for the birds.

Maybe that dude’s cousin was a chick. Oh…dork fuck face just closed “The Meeting.” I hope he bursts into flames. It’s over! Time to attempt to bat away my desires for suicide.

The trifecta of terrible.

01/31/2015

Well here we are again, and I’ve dragged two guest writers into this misery with me. Fellow Smeat writer, and John from SuperTMH2.com. Yes, we will all be watching this giant mess of a show and all be ice=picking our eyes ou as soon as we’re done. Annnnddddd go:

Are You Afraid of the Dark S1 e11 The Tale of The Dark Music

That kid’s pants are way too short… I wonder if he is forced to wear all his shorter older brother’s pants because his parents don’t love him on account of his annoying disposition. I really hate the Harry Potter kid, how did he end up being the guy in charge around here? Oh look, the kid that looks like a girl is telling a story tonight.

See, I told you.

See, I told you.

I think Morrisey is in this episode playing a dude that moves boxes. I swear I just saw him sitting on someone’s porch. OOoh the bad kid has a skull on his shirt- that means trouble!  His mom reminds me of Louis Lane. Oh boy, someone is scared of the basement. I hope the mom’s dead uncle is in there. Jerking it to 1950’s porn of women showing their giant hairy vaginas and frilly bra-cones.

I guess if this music played everytime I walked into a basement I‘d find it unsettling, too. It’s an old radio, any movie or show with an old radio inevitably ends up getting messages from dead people. Ugh… it’s playing 80’s hair metal… see, dead people on the radio.

Wow, what happened to the Harry Potter kid, he looks drastically different in this episode. He looks like a muppet-bird creature. What the hell happened to his face?  His mother looks deranged. She reminds me of Zelda from Pet Semetary. He should lokc her in the bedroom and wait for her to look like a less-mutated julianne Moore.

Muppet bird creature.

Muppet bird creature.

Woah, is that fat Kid Rock? What’s with the terrible guitar solos all over this episode? Oh the skull kid has long hair, he’s up to no good. A young, know-it-all whippersnapper like that that thinks he knows what’s what.  Somehow this kid managed to end up in another dark basement, really? WHY? Everytime he goes in one, some fucked up doll-murderer movie starts playing.

Oh, now his little sister is creeping on him. She is playing Q-Bert based on the music coming from her tv. I love that game, Q-Bert looks like a Dr. Suess character. I miss that game. I hate his the little sister.  And I don’t get the mother’s reasons, she said she can’t go into the filthy, dusty basement at that moment because she was filthy. Yeah don’t want to get your filth all dirty, I guess.

HAHAHHAHA There is a giant doll, John is going to shit!!!  Jesus, it looks like someone hollowed out a kid’s head and stuck a wig on it. I wonder if Donnie Wahlberg is in this, too. Why would the mother keep yelling for him literally right outside a door she can open?

So the mother had time to leave a note and a pile of laundry but could have put them in for the same time and not wrote the note. Another stupid reason for the kid to end up in the doll basement again. Now there’s clown music. A lot of clown music. It’s getting circusy, I hope Zebo comes out of the closet this time. Nope, it’s a popcorn salesmen inside a carnival, instead. Boring sort of ghost. Jeeez this green screen really is an abomination. A Skeleton hand is pulling him into the green screen carnival, but he escaped just in time. Way to go, ultra-gay 90’s kid.

So every time he plays a song on there, something comes out of the closet. The skull kid fake-punching faces is depressingly bad. The only thing this kid punches is his balls. Ball-punching and Styx, that’s what he’s all about.

Is this over yet? sigh… I guess not, there’s more bad music now.

He’s wiring a fuck ton of ancient stereo equipment to the basement. And now he is luring skull kid to his underground killer-doll lair. He locked the kid in and plans to hav him murdered by whatever is in the closet.

This kid is fucking nuts. Random shit appears out of the closet, no idea who or what it is, and just locks some fucktard in the room with it, with a million speakers playing the worst music ever made as loud as humanly possible.

What a terrible person this kid is, he deserved to be beat about his eggplant-shaped head. Yay for skull kid, may he live on. Go play some really shitty music in your basement and maybe a doll will pop out wearing his rotted face-skin.

The closet is talking to him. I don’t know why, but I want macaroni and cheese with hot dogs in it. Oh look, blondie is back. Wow, that story essentially just stopped with no ending at all. That was nice of them.

I hope the last episode of this series is them all being pushed into the campfire, that would almost make it worth all this pain.

——————

(more…)

Here we go, I guess..

01/09/2015

S01E10 The Tale of Jake and the Leprechaun (ugh)

By the time I finish all of these I will have seen this intro about one hundred and forty times. I can never get that time back.  So here is another one of me and IAMRICKSEE’s reviews of this awful show. Click” read more” to read more, dicklards.

This kid is supposed to be sad his grandfather died… well you’re not pulling it off kid, so stop letting your mother live her broken dreams out on you. And stop telling kids in lunch you’re an actor.  This girl doesn’t know what a leprechaun is? Are you fucking kidding me? That’s bullshit!  This kid looks like he would be in a Twizzlers commercial.

Wow, it suddenly turned into the set of the first Troll movie, the one nobody has ever seen.  I think the leprechaun is being played by an 80’s metal band guitarist with a long black mullet.  Wow, this kid is telling the story of a little kid that wished he was an actor. Christ what is up with her stupid clothes and hair and face and rat-toothed mouth? Oh this guy is drinking some weird mystery potion, but it’s just fireball mixed with some unicorn piss or whatever the fuck leprechauns drink while they’re sitting on a tree branch with their balls poking against their short leprechaun trousers.  Wow, this is fucking weird. This midge is fucking ripped. He has Rambo arms on a tiny little body.

Uh oh, the small dude threw the recipe on the ground, now some radom 90’s person is going to stumble upon it while listening to Boys II Men on their disc man.

This crazy Irish fucker is trying to poison some purple-shirted kid, it makes his voice change and it freaks him out. I think it’s a metaphor for puberty. “Something weird is happening to me… it’s like I’m changing”  Yeah this seems like a movie they’d play in sixth-grade health class.

This kid looks like a latex mask of a gorilla.  Now the little dude is smoking weed. I bet he doesn’t go through his stashes very fast on account of being a tiny man.  I feel like this episode has a weird inception thing going on, a storyteller is telling a story of someone in a play telling another story. Oh and the original story teller was retelling his stupid dead grandfather’s story.  Dick.

They said his ears got pointy but I swear his ears were already that pointy.  Now the little dude is dressed as a pimp. Silk orange velvet blouse, green tweed suit. How convenient, there is a chair directly in the middle of a hallway right where someone needs to reach something. Obviously I don’t need to tell you who can’t reach something, but anyway… The old dude is getting all scabby and weird now. I know someone with a back that looks like this guy’s.  Just giant tufts of grizzly bear ass strewn across their body.  Every seven years banshees need to do some shit blahblah, who makes up these rules anyway? Who decides when banshees need to do shit? Nature? I guess. How are we suddenly back in the play, this is all so convoluted.

Why is the audience clapping for this dumb shit? They must have been drugged with that leprechaun shit. This kid is so misshapen. What the hell is wrong with his face?  I feel like this is the little kid from Home Improvement.  They both have that annoying face thing going on and both look like they’d grow up to be in a shitty boy band.

Ugh, this bitch again. The one with the head and shit.  The leprechaun has an Asian-sounding name, that was a turn I didn’t expect we’d be making.  And the banshee being named Sean seems very unlikely. Is this kid dead yet or what? Ugh…

He threw a rubber snake and it turned someone into frog and now little guy is sprinkling glitter on it. How festive. I wonder if this is some sort of little-people holiday tradition. I think he brushes his long shiny eyebrow-hair with a Barbie brush.

Oh now they’re group-hugging, I think they should trip and all land in the fire, but we all know that won’t happen since there are like a hundred and fifty million more of these fucking things.

The End.

(more…)

S01E09 Are You Afraid Of The Dark – The Tale Of The Sorcerer’s Apprentice

11/24/2014

Please don’t use the term “crank the volume” was the last thing I said to IAMRICKSEE before this episode barely started. That’s just a side note. ANYWAY, here we are again, both doing our own rambling “reviewish” thing here. Mine is up top, his is below, click the cut at the end for the rest, which I hope you could have figured out on your own.

Oh hey! It’s starting!

Kids have Michael Jordan rookie cards before he was a rapey douche, or was that some other dude I’m thinking of? Ugh I hate that failed Harry Potter kid’s face.  Blahblahblah

The Tale of the Sorcerer’s Apprentice (watch it below, if it behooves you)

Up-close shots so nobody realizes they’re filming in the director’s mom’s basement to save money. He keeps the kids down there anyway.  Wow, that classroom looks like my old science class, but I guess it probably looks like every science class ever.  The teacher looks like a greased loin of pork.

Oh, young black female, bewildered lost puppy white male, surely the forbidden love only a 90’s kid’s television station could tell. It’s like the Hallmark channel for t

OMG the big plastic snake belonged to a sorcerer! This woman would be good on one of those cable network fake porn shows. Like the soft core kind where the boss cheats on his wife with his secretary but they just keep showing closeups of her legs and blouse with jerk-off noises in the background.

“Don’t be afraid to touch” -Said every woman in a soft core porn on a shitty cable station ever!

Someone is locking… a basement! I fucking called the shit out of that shit. What is this kid doing? what is going on? Why is this episode mostly really tight shots of feet walking in the dark.  I don’t give a fuck what a British Knight looks like up close when it steps into a puddle in 1994. I don’t know why any of this is happening. The pork loin is back, her arms look like bratwurst and her fingers are like smooth vienna sausages. People in Oklahoma love those fucking things, they are utterly disgusting. I fucking hate Oklahoma. Ugh. Everything is fried. EVERYTHING! Except the fucking vienna sausages, they eat those fucking things out of the can.  Can’t wait to shovel the miniature meat logs into your stupid mid-westernish gaping maw of a mouth. Ugh… what the fuck was happening again?

I think a bunch of Danzig fans just got together to play Yahtzee in someone’s steam room.  I think this is how Nightmare on Elm Street started, actually. Wow that thing is so fake. Are You Afraid of the Dark is where children go to die.  What the fuck is this shit?  The floating head is actually a new level of awful for this show. Holy Shit! I can’t even begin to explain how insane this just got. I WILL POST PICTURES!

Black girl in denim and ole’ pork loin are talking. Great, just what we needed.  Oh god, this kid.  He looks like he was going to try out for a part in Rumble Fish the musical (for anyone that never read Rumble Fish, just replace that with “West Side Story” which is already a musical. Or what’s that outer one? Oh yeah the outsiders) you have to have seen at least one of those. Fuck.

Now they’re riding bikes up close in the dark, no more British Knights we’ve moved up.  This chick doesn’t really do a great job resisting the special education students from kidnapping her in the woods.Ugh Harry Poter is making stupid puns.

I guess they’re just going to drop her off in the steam room. This really is one of the worst episodes of this show. Now we see shadows of people doing things instead of them doing things. Nice hair, fruit loops. I feel like this kid grew up to die in an alley bloated and cracked out on… you know, crack or some shit.

THE MYSITC VAPORS! Hey this turned into a “don’t smoke weed” ad somehow.  Jesus, couldn’t Nickeloden do better than this? I mean they had all that slime and puppets and stuff, how did they not know a way to make this more palatable? Clarrisa recreating this whole story in a one-kid show would be easier to watch, even if we had to put up wit Ferguson jerking off behind the curtain all night.

Oh magically everything has ended, much like it always does on this stupid show.v  He’s sorry.  He’s so sorry.  Man, this dude looks like he grew up to be a goonish lesbian.  That one woman is dressed for a safari now.  and it’s weird that they have the same tattoos the death eaters have in Harry Potter.

(more…)

I don’t even understand how we arrived at the credits…they sort of just started to happen. (pt 2)

11/05/2014

Here is the second part of the last update, so re-watch and read morerereereree..

Are You Afraid of the Dark? Review S1 Ep8

OOWWW!!! And here I am, once again, writing a new review about Are You Afraid of the Dark? Remember that show? I can tell by your wincing, like someone just plucked one of your ball hairs off unexpectedly, that you do. Why DO we only tell scary stories at night? Good question, right? Oof…the acting in this always makes me feel like I have razorblades slicing through my brain with such precision, that they straight up expose my douche-nerve. Ok, now this weird Native American looking bitch is babbling about some shit about being afraid. Maybe she’s an Eskimo…er, Inuit. I’m afraid. Are you? I’m afraid you suck cock at acting, young lady. You’re lucky there are so many dicks in the world to slurp on so that you’re never homeless! Spooky fire, popcorn flying. These are the makings of a blood-orgy. The hairstyles are hurting even my feelings. WTF was wrong with people back then? How could everyone look in the mirror and be all like, “Nailed it?” Honestly. Up, poofy, and dried out sucks! Down, wet, and sultry is where it’s at! How the fuck did people not know that! It wasn’t even that long ago!

Ok, now this weird brother and sister fuck-duo are being weird, and she walks like a caveman and looks like Eddie Van Halen…and he SUCKS. I fucking HATE Eddie Van Halen. Except for that one song. David Lee Roth is the shit, though. By the by, that’s not her displaying acting skills…there’s no caveman scene going on here. Ok, so now Eddie and the dude who looks like a lesbian in the 90’s who shops exclusively at TJ Max’s clearance rack are arguing. Fuck the mailman, I guess. Mom, her pantsuit, and her shoulder pads just tried to grab the mailman’s cock and balls, and he wasn’t having it. I’m pretty sure he is dying of AIDS. Look at him. He’s covered in it! Where’s that white bitch from CNN who doesn’t think before she speaks and says it’s ok to use fire hoses on black protesters? Hey, bitch! Point your hose at this sad shriveling Casper the Friendly sick-and-dying-of-AIDS-mailman ghost. He was just subtly describing a neighborhood gangbang he was a part of and says he’s been sick ever since. What a dirty boy! Bet they had the lube fountain flowing like an alcoholic’s urine at a local throwback, doo-wop, bathhouse jamboree. Sounds suspicious and spooky you fucking dirty bastard! No wonder you’re so sick. You disgust me.

Ok…why are there always kids with bad hair walking into the dark while also developing relationships with inappropriately aged elders? Oop! Now, the Native American chick just faded in and out. It was pretty spooky. I wish she’d tomahawk the fuck out of all these immigrant fucks! This ain’t yer land…WHACK! Her jean jacket…I think it was a jean jacket…we’re back to the stupid fucking show now and not looking at her, and I’ve been drinking, so I already don’t remember what she’s wearing even though she just faded in like a second ago. Either way, I think it could use some bedazzling, AND, this is so good so get ready, AND, on the back…an airbrushed peace pipe! Thank you. I’d buy THAT jacket at the flea market! I was originally going to say the jacket was cool but now it sucks because I know what could be. Eddie Van Halen and her potato-bug-headed little brother and babbling and babbling…why won’t a fucking missile hit my living room? No…why the FUCK does he have a bullhorn? No reason for that. If that were my kid, I would’ve aborted him. That’s what stairs and doorknobs were made for! End of story, end of problem. I got 99 problems but a baby ain’t one!

What is with all the denim? Fuckin’ Canadian Tuxedos all up in this biiiiitch like cray. Here she goes again…spooky. Her red dress is ugly, and I think she’s been farting it up in there, because clearly something was stank judging by everyone’s stink-reaction! How does hair like that stay upon one’s head in such a fashion? Her hair looks part mullet, part miner’s helmet with a light on the front, and honestly, I’m so mesmerized by it, I can barely pay attention to this weird kid and the inbred foreigny folks from next door with all the violin music and inbred awkwardness. Jesus! Hit a survivor’s meeting, will ya? Your inferiority is distracting! This is the type of family that makes you think that eugenics is a good idea. For fuck sake, goths, go back to the club! Some of us are drunk and trying to figure out what this stupid bitch with the hair, mom with the pantsuit, and the lesbianic little brother are trying to do or figure out, or even what is happening at all. There is no plot. No storyline. Just desolation. So far, nothing makes any butt-fucking sense. No surprise there, I reckon!

She talks like this is a phone sex line from 1985. Her accent seems completely made up…I’ve never heard anything like it. It is not beautiful. Voila! A freezer. Maybe some vintage TV dinners are in there. We should be so lucky. OHHHHH…I get it! These stupid dicks are vampires, and I guess that accent is…Transylvanian? That’s why it sounds unfamiliar (yeah, that’s the reason). This dude fucks kids…just sayin. I mean, I haven’t seen it. But c’mon…look at him.

That flashlight looks like it hurts. I think that girl was shitting in the garage. She was squatted down like, “Yeah, I hit the all-you-can-eat country buffet the last three nights like a boss! And I straight up don’t give a fuck!” then boom. Get the shovel. My kind of chick. Uh-ohhhh…the vamp-fam is home early, or not. I wish he’d hit her with that baseball bat. That’d be a show. Not a horror show, though, just a better show. I can’t believe there is more to this. This is still going on. Father Time is a cunt. Chick Eddie Van Halen was just all cock-mouthed…I s’pose that means she has a dastardly idea. I still don’t really know what’s going on, other than the possibility that this weird incestuous brother and sister duo are about to commit murder for that guy that kids commit murder for on the internet because they have overactive, bored-as-fuck, imaginations. Who was he, again? The stick man? Mr. Sticks? Cthulhu? Skinny Buddy? Whatevs. Even their imaginations lack imagination. Oh, this kid thinks he’s about to puke. So am I…for a multitude of completely different reasons though. Fuck that kid. Grow a pair, fuck-o. Vampires are about to suck blood through the side of your balls like a blood sponge while hackin’ off your tally-whacker for grillin’!

A basement can be freaky, especially when it’s got two kids in it guilty of breaking and entering whilst an inbred vampire wanders around aimlessly, desperately trying to find the plot. I think he’s going to fuck those kids, but don’t quote me on it. There’s that accent again. Apparently, their “jobs” switched their schedules at the last minute. Don’t you hate that? I mean sometimes it works in your favor though, and you’re like, “Oh, I don’t have to use a sick day for that stupid suburban zombie bullshit thing my sister-in-law is throwing at the thing,” and then you’re all like, “Alriiiiight, turning a negatiiiive into a positiiiiive. A day off and free driiiiinks!” Now that’s using your noodle! Dude, that vampire just said “ciao,” and now Van Halen is all pissy and shitty. Clean up your crotch and shut up, bitch! Someone go to the supermarket and grab the most expensive shitty invention by Swiffer because this chick has been farting and pissing and shitting her stonewashed jeans like a newborn who’s been drinking bacon grease from a bottle. You’re lucky it’s the 90’s because you’d be tazed and fucked up the ass to death in the street by police nowadays for that snarky shit, and it wouldn’t be nice, and you wouldn’t like it very much!

These fireside get-togethers are very suspiciously ethnically diverse in a let’s-cover-our-ass-for-TV kind of way. Don’t want to piss off the viewers…you know, THAT brain trust. Do you think it was a good or bad thing to cast this like that back then? Anybody? I don’t know. I don’t give a shit. All people are completely fucked as illustrated by seven seasons of this bullshit. Seven? I’ll check Wikipedia later, probably not though. Oh my fucking God…it’s over, and nothing at all followable happened. I don’t even understand how we arrived at the credits…they sort of just started to happen. This is how our entire generation became drug addicts. We are all fucked in the head, and I solely blame this show. Look at me…I’m drinking, and I didn’t even watch this shit, growing up.

Ugh this again.. am I seriously going to get through…what? Six? Seven seasons? (pt 1)

11/05/2014

IAMRICKSEE joined me in my little watch-review-along thingy, for Are You Afraid of the Dark, season 01, Episode 8. I shall post them separately, and you can enjoy them thusly.

Blondie makes a point for once, and the other guy has very fluffy nineties hair. Tonight the future lesbian tells the tale, and it’s called:

“The Tale of the Nightly Neighbors” (they have weird video game music playing here)

Kid shoveling popcorn into his monkey-shaped gullet. Overly-nineties sister looks like she’s going to grow up to eat out Rosie O’donnell. She’s wearing a fucking blazer for fuck’s sake. WITH shoulder pads!

Spying on the new neighbors. Oh Jesus, now she’s wearing a men’s dress shirt. OMG the neighbors are from Ukraine! NOBODY CARES! Listen, if the weird new neighbors want their real dolls in the driveway if nobody is home when they’re delivered, thats their business, theirs and theirs alone.

The mailman is as weak as a kitten.

I'm as weak as a kitten.

I’m as weak as a kitten.

The neighbors only come out at night, they sound like reasonable people. Still, they let their sticky-looking little parasite roam the neighborhood unattended like a confused albino hobo.

The neighbors are coming to taunt her with fog machines and fake fangs. Man, does this chick’s wardrobe ever improve at all? This kid looks like he’d jerk off his pets when his parents are at TJ Max.

“There’s only one explanation… our neighbors are vampires” is a sentence you don’t hear often, but when you do it is entertaining. Uh Oh Emma is going to investigate the possible vampire neighbors. She seems to know her shit, basing it mostly on late 80’s vampire movie philosophy. I wonder if Corey Feldman is going to show up, all cracked out, MC Hammer pants waving in the night breeze.

She’s in their basement now, that rotten little hussy. Hey, the neighbors came to visit the rednecky kid with the rat-tail looking hair. It’s like a mullet that cries out for a rat tail. This girl is an idiot, looking for coffins in her neighbor’s basement. That mouse was so clearly fake! This kid’s face is on crooked, seriously crooked. I feel like this chick grew up to do porn, I feel like I’ve seen her with several dozen cocks all up in her shit before.

Don’t vorry Dayday… what the fuck kind of name is Dayday? I guess the kind of name a crooked-faced mullet-having redneck nineties-kid might have. The people are clearly home now but the kids don’t seem like they’re doing a very good job being scared of getting caught in the basement. Somehow there is a jump and now they are suddenly in their own house again, good thing they made that daring escape from the angry vampires, without showing us any of it.

I like how two sticks tied together around their neck is supposed to protect them from creatures who drink blood to survive and essentially live forever.

Jesus Christ it took a long time for someone to finally go into the fucking basement. The vampire neighbors are dressed like Depeche Mode rejects. Their coffins play 80’s synth-pop when you open the lid. Her ass looks like a depressed walrus in those jeans.

Yeah, who wouldn’t let random strangers store blood in their murder room for the hospital? Thats a hospital I’d feel safe at. I feel like somehow everyone in this episode ends up being a lesbian in real life.

I want to punch the little kid right in his dumb mouth. Ugh, why do people try to rhyme things at times when it isn’t necessary?

I declare this meeting of the midnight society closed
until next time, pleasant dreams everyone.

I think “Peter” needs counseling… and the animals he fucks do too.

04/07/2014

Here is pt. 2 of the latest mistake we made by watching another episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark? With Smeat writer IAMRICKSEE. Enjoy! (Or don’t, we don’t care)

S01E07 -The Tale of the Captured Souls (click to watch the nightmare on the you tubes)

Holy bluish black and white bullshit and creaky shit. I can’t fucking believe I’m doing this AGAIN. I am joining Sarah in the watching of this weird NAMBLA beloved TV eye-abortion. Oh look, pictures being taken of teenagers in the woods. No surprise there. No…you keep the pictures you stupid little FUCKER.

Great…now some talk about the soul. That’s not spooky…or scary. Fuck you. The credits look like shit. I create a better credit role in Adobe. I fucking hate this family so fucking much. Why do people act like this? Why does the whole family have to be black? Because it’s the fucking 80’s or 90’s or whenever this dumb shit came out and diversity is not really a “thing” yet. But I’ll tell you this…this little redneck whiteboy is the rapiest little shit I’ve EVER seen in my god damned too long motherfucking life. And these camera pans and creeper voice and choice of clothing…holy fuck. How in the holy fuck does a hillbilly fuck like this skinny rodenty fucking emu-ass bitch…yo, punch that motherfucker.

bilydeeWhat do I think??? I think fuck you is what I think you fucking kid-killer. I can’t believe this was ok at one time and people pretend to be fucking offended by Miley Cyrus…are you fucked in the head? Ok…let me be straight…this pasty white motherfucker has a lot to say about this little girl’s sports ability, but he’s not “into sports”…what a creeper…and what the fuck is with Lando Calrissian here? Just let your soul glo I guess. This kid is going to kill this whole fucking family. Who the hell stays in the presence of a crazy “Simple Jack” child killery looking fuck as this? Are you insane? You should be ashamed of yourself! You have kids you asshole.

There he goes again. I think this kid is a murderer. I am convinced he’s a murderer. I think the show wants me to believe that he’s a ghost kid whose parents were maybe unfairly taken before their time, but that’s no excuse for the fact that the actual person in this stupid show have cast a motherfucking child murderer for this episode. I look at the screen and I physically fucking hurt. My skin hurts. He is an embarrassment. Not to be mean…maybe the guy who plays this kid is a really nice guy who is also good at looking child rapey and murdery on this show that MTV or Nickolodesomeshit put out…ok…now he’s all “Steve-Baldwinning” it up! WTF is wrong with everyone? Look, people think we are fucked up now, but this was all on regular TV once. Do you even understand what that means? This is ridiculous…and what’s with this Billy Dee Williams dude? Dude…you’re getting older…get over it like the rest of us. Life is short…there’s your horror story. Now go to the party and get laid and be illiterate you ass. He even talks like a shithead version of Billy Dee. I can’t believe this is happening. That kid is a god damned wife beating goat fucker. At least that’s his bloody future.

What in the hell happened to her face? She’s breaking out in a very obvious and disgusting way. I’m not buying this…people are like, just noticing? I don’t believe that. ALERT: NON E OF THIS IS BELIEVABLE AND IT SUCKS!! She broke a mirror…surprise, surprise. What an idiot…her dad I mean. What a fucking dick. No…there is NO ONE living in the TV static.

I think “Peter” needs counseling…and the animals he fucks do too. That graveyard is very fresh looking…I think there is a petting zoo back there…”Pipe down kids! Nickelodeon is taping some creepy future-inducing-victim-culture mentality. I’m glad her parents are dead. Fuck them.

creeper Nice place. Can’t get a place like that these days with the economy what it is.  That attic could be another room! Oh yeah…this shit. Ok, so her hair is weird and this video seems Baldwinny.  I know I said that already, but this is this kid’s version of “Sliver” which is one of the Baldwin brothers’ movies. Whatevs. This graveyard is a joke. It’s literally making me laugh.

I told you this fucking kid was just killing people! This is the PG version of the real story…he staples his dick at night like a sociopath. He’s not crazy darling…he’s going to fucking kill you. She’s got all the time in the world…she’s young! WAIT!

Why is all this happening? I haven’t recognized a single ritual of any kind here…and let’s face it, I know my shit. Wow…what a good painting…you’re not a scientist—you’re a creeper! Now a painting is too much to handle. This show fucking sucks. Numbers counting down, tubes liquidating, parents young again…too young to have kids. You wasted your lives you idiots!

Yeah, let’s just go home…this vacation sucked. Why the fuck is the hillbilly kid killer old now? None of this makes sense. This is why our generation is so fucked up by the way—because senseless, mindless, plotless, devoid of fucking critical thinking dumbassery like this was fistfucking us in the eyes growing up. Oh, they are going to Photoshop that picture later in life, and then, someone will get arrested and broomstick-fucked to death in prison. Way to go, guys.

 

Hey, it’s another joint “Are You Afraid of Annoying Nineties Kids?” review! (pt 1)

04/07/2014

So, IAMRICKSEE and I decided to make poor life choices again and do another Are You Afraid of the Dark? write/watch-along, since I have no idea what to call these. It’s like reading the awful shit streaming out of our heads and onto the screen as the show is playing. We do it as we watch, and the results usually leave us scarred and traumatized. Here’s mine, you’ll find his in Pt 2., above this, you wonky dicktards.

S01E07 -The Tale of the Captured Souls (click to watch the nightmare on the you tubes)

I wonder whose attic they filmed this opening in…

Oh hey guys!  Stupid multi-racial nineties kids having a campfire hootenanny. Ethnic girl #1 tells the story of the tale of blah blah souls blahblah…

Oh jesus, this voice is terrible, it’s the most annoying, stereotyp…. wow, seriously for a second I totally forgot it was the same girl talking when the story started being shown on the screen. I was going to say if the face matches the annoying nineties stereotype girl voice, it’s going to be a painful  fluorescent  green and pink nightmare.

creep3The kid that lived under the stairs in that movie about people living under the stairs is in this. no not the actor, like, the same character. I guess this was before he was locked up by a sado-masochistic old rich couple that wrap their saggy balls in leather and don’t care for them coloreds.

That wallpaper makes me feel weird..

They have shrubs completely surrounding thier swimming pool, what the fuck is the point in that? And this kid looks like a dead farmer from the dust bowl, like, he even looks like he’s in black and white even though he’s clearly in color when you look at him. And he makes weird, pervy faces. He looks like the kind of kid that would cut out eyes of women in magazines then glue the eyes on the nipples of giant-dicked female tranny comics he drew in his diary.

He’s creeper level HOLY SHIT at this point, folks, and the douche chills are strong with this one.  I feel like he’s growing the mini hot dog tree from Big Top Pee-Wee. I hope so. We all hope so.

His room just got all beetlejuicey, it is like tim burton triple-x right now, and this dude is creepin’ hard. He even has pipe organs accompanying his crazy bullshit. I don’t know exactly what he’s doing with all these random pipes and shit mostly because I’m inebriated and not paying total attention but there has been a montage of nothing but pipe organs music, laughing and weird echoes for what seems like an eternity now with no dialogue whatsoever and it feels like I’ve taken every drug known to man all at once.

See, I told you!

See, I told you!

They play ball now, dad feels woozy, is this foreshadowing dun dun dunnnn…  Oh rapey mc1930spants is all angry and dickyfacey. Mom looks like she was in a facial tissue commercial. She just -looks- like she’d be in one of them. She has that look. I don know how to describe it, but you know it when you see it, and I just saw the shit out of it.

Camera hidden in the bathroom so Amish Jeffrey Dahmer can have something to drain his milk jug to. The mirrors are sucking out their lives or some shit, and apparently  your pants get higher the older you get. This girl has been wearing the same thing for three days now. I wonder if anyone noticed. Like any of these characters. Like the stalker kid looking at all the hidden camera footage and thinks about how she always wears that ugly bright ass yellow shirt.

I think this bitch has smallpox or some shit, her face does not look like it’s going to make it -at all-.  Wow, his ears are huge! I wonder what this guy looks like now. I wonder if he’s still alive. Fuck, he doesn’t even look alive in this episode.  I guess he is sucking their lives out through strategically placed mirrors and this collects glowing pink goo into glass tubes in a secret peewees playhouse-esque room where the stalker kid from 1805 lives.

Hey Lionel Richie and his wife are young again! Or as young as Lionel Richie ever could be, and that seems to always be maybe around his late thirties.  WOW her shirt is blue now. Aww his life unsucked out of him and he was an old man, and they leave the house. Blahblahblah she’s trying to tell something with a stupid half assed attempt at a moral.

Annnnddd….. we’re out!

Something terribly unincredible-looking is happening…

01/27/2014

Well, well, here it is, the second part of the AYAOTD? update, by IAMRICKSEE, written at the same time as we both watched and scratched our eyes raw with glass. Cheers!

Are You Afraid Of The Dark
S01E06 The Tale of the Super Specs

Pt.2 IAMRICKSEE

Well… I’m sitting with Sarah watching Are You Afraid of the Dark? for Smeat. I didn’t even watch that show when I was young and it was popular. I think some kid just chopped his own dick off in front of some blond whore. She looks familiar. But it figures this dumb fuck works in some creeper creepy shop.

Now we are in the OshKosh B’gosh woods apparently… this looks like the Sears catalog in the early 90’s just jacked out all over my line of vision. Nice haircut, dipshit. Your purple shirt sucks… and why is this little bitch color coordinating with his shit grape colored sweater? Fuck these people. Fart. She definitely wants to suck his dick… not the weird child molester guy who looks like a fat, taller, child molestier looking Chris Katan… the black kid… with the rad fade.

These plastic glasses are the shit. He shoulda pushed her stupid ass… now that’d been a horror show! Thumbs up! SPOOKY YOGURT! Now filled up to the brim with cocaine… or roofie dust… he’s after these arrogant ass hoes… why not? HOLY SHIT! That bitch just seriously got more annoying, if that’s even possible… how is that a worthwhile spell, dumb dick!?

The acting here is making my head crave a bullet. Nice red pants and vest, you stupid ass shit… it’s just a silhouette! AH… a little one on one with some tubular Jordans, and a basketball covered in cocaine. Cocaine IS a hell of a drug! What the hell is that bitch wearing? What is wrong with the human race? There is no God… just look…this is the best we can do? OMFG! Oh, I get it… this chick with the fucking… whack-ass vest has been eating grandma’s glaucoma cookies… that’s why she’s seeing dead people! She needs to find the “Chill-Tent”. Go fucking chill that shit off, girl. Something terribly unincredible-looking is happening.

Now, it kind of feels like I’m watching “They Live” meets “Terminator”, except there is no one cool in sight, and there is a gay pride flag vignette all around the screen… it’s making me feel confused about everything.

Great… back to old Nose-N-Glasses. This guy fuckin’ sucks. Those are the most unscary, unskilled looking ninja’s I’ve ever seen… I’m pretty sure it’s just a dance troupe in ninja pajamas… and all they want to do is “Serve” this bitch, and she keeps all running around screaming some dumb shit about spells… for god damn sakes. Back to creeper McChildhumper. I think he’s just into dumb young chicks. Or dudes… actually he’s starting to seem more asexual because he’s got this blouse on and shit… and he seems to like these young ones around… but so far, from what the audience sees, there’s been no inappropriate touching… but these strange other negotiations could be symbolic of how a patriarchal society… holy crap… that chick just stopped that other kid from flushing a whole bag of angel dust… they are fucking totally buying off this kid-fucker with angel dust… makes them seem pretty fucking self-efficient and worldly… why don’t they just sword-fuck this asshole in the stomach? Uck… fuck her and that other kid anyway. I hate them. They are just… uck.

Cool, a rave. This is leotard-hell. Someone better dance or I’m fucking leaving. Somebody get SERVED! Instead, this fat, gay, pirate with the blouse is rapping. Nice spotlight. Stupid eyes… yes, that sounds like scientific language. All of us fucktards from public schools will buy this as a believable scenario based on your absolute bastardization of the education system. FML. Look at that old goth chick… back to the glasses kid trying to get blown by telling his shit story about teenagers stuck in a ball. Looks like it’s ending in a devil’s threeway. Good for you guys.

Are You Afraid of Another Are You Afraid of the Dark update?

01/27/2014

It’s been a long fucking time since I did one of those not-really-a-review-but-more-of-a-writing-while0watching-extrvanagnxa-disaster. This time I have new Smeat writer IAMRICKSEE with me, and we’re going to watch this crazy shit together, and possibly kill ourselves before it even gets five minutes in, and if we make it, I shall post this is two parts, the second being his version of this nightmare.  WoOOoo

OMG!

Are You Afraid Of The Dark
S01E06 The Tale of the Super Specs

Pt.1 Sarah

Ooh super spooky opening… Boner Stabone’s going to cut his finger off! Aww, blondie doesn’t like it. Now she’s telling him she doesn’t like it when he makes her smell his ball-fingers. Now he’s playing 80’s techno and turning into Michael Jackson, but white, and sort of Jewy. Nobody likes the glasses dude anymore, and Metallica starts playing. Holy shit, we didn’t even get to the title yet…

Reject from Hogwarts obsessed with stupid magic tricks does some crap to some plastic glasses. Guy who owns the store is a big, gay version of a mix of Luigi, Mario, and Richard Simmons. He wears gold puffy shirts, too. And, he rolls his r’s. Now the magic glasses make you see people in those fabric suit things… terrifying! Wow, little stalker kid just stole someone’s yogurt, now he’s roofie-ing it up, I SHIT YOU NOT! He watched her eat it! Every time magic-kid’s horse-faced girlfriend puts on the glasses, she sees figures in black that look like they came out of a Fatal Frame game.

Little drug dude just roofied a basketball game, pimpin’ ain’t easy, but it’s necessary. Ohh. long-faced depressed girl throws out magic glasses but they keep coming back, being ushered in each time with terrible 80’s synth-pop, chock full of pipe organ and phone noises. She sees a phantom tea kettle, Oh shit’s about to get real! She sees a fireplace in a fireless place©. How deep is that line for the opening of your next novel? They’re coming at her, the camera man must have just fallen, now she’s being chased, only when she looked through the glasses, now they’re like a gang out of West Side Story and they’re all snapping and dancing in unison.

hggjghWow, this dude must have arrived really late to his acting classes. I feel like he still invites people over to watch this episode on repeat while he talks about what it was like to be on Nickelodeon back when it still felt like it mattered. How do so many random grown strangers end up hanging out with elementary school children in empty houses on this show? It’s insane! Yeah random joke shop guy, just come over and put a spell on this thing and dance around in your gold puffy shirt before my parents come home, oh yeah, bring your swim trunks, I’m making brownies, and they’ll be dick-sucking and demon-conjuring right over there by the hot tub. God, this bitch is annoying, she’s like that moon faced guy that used to do the Mcdonald’s commercials. That’s this girl. Fucking over and out!

 

Rick on the Rock!

10/04/2013

OldRockySo, starting last night, I decided to sit down and watch the entire “Rocky” anthology, starring Sly Stallone as Rocky Balboa “The Italian Stallion.” I haven’t watched these movies in MANY years. My dad was a huge fan, so therefore, growing up, I was also a huge fan. One of few items of his I received after he passed away (my POS stepmother butt-fucked me and my sister out of everything else, and hopefully, she gets catapulted into the Fukushima power plant cunt first) was his “Rocky” anthology. I recently realized that I’ve never seen the 6th one, so before I sit down and watch that (which I do not have high hopes for), I have decided to rewatch the first five movies…in doing so, I realized a few things:

Firstly, Rocky 1 is a GREAT movie. Say what you will about Stallone’s acting abilities, but he BECOMES Rocky Balboa in that movie, and that is why the first one is great. It’s gritty, low budget, easy to relate to, and full of heart. It even feels like the cast is enjoying being a part of that film. On a side note, I also realized that Mickey Avalon looks exactly like Rocky in the 70’s and that Yolandi Visser from Die Antwoord looks just like Adrian, except I’d much rather fuck Yolandi…not important, just an observation. But that movie captures the essence of a good person trapped in an unfair situation doing whatever he has to do to survive. He’s a really nice guy who is working for a loan shark and hustling motherfuckers for money because he doesn’t have a high IQ and basically has no choice. I like that. I like good people who do bad things. It adds something irking to the tale. But then, opportunity knocks, and it truly becomes a great story about legitimately pouring your soul into an endeavor and overcoming all odds in the end. What makes it even better (spoiler alert for the slouching FAR behinders) is that Rocky loses the fight in the first movie, yet manages to emerge as a different kind of winner. Awesome!

Then I watched Rocky II. It seems my youth deceived me because number 2 is exactly that: A huge piece of tumbling steaming shit on the chest of the movie industry that never stops happening. It is a Steaming Cleveland combined with a Turkish Earthquake, meaning you’re just falling down the stairs with another person who was squatting over you, who you just blew, mind you, and now, that dude is just spraying shit in the air, and you’ve got diarrhea in your chest hair, not to mention a mouthful of cum, and now THAT’S spewing all over both of you because you’re screaming, while the other dude’s recently serviced dick, which is spittling like grandpa babbling with skewed dentures right in your face, is just flopping in the breeze like the business end of bingo arms. In other words, it is not a good movie. For starters, the writing is awful, and the lines are delivered as if by people who are trying to act instead of actually acting. Bored porn stars with their clitorises removed do a better job. There are so many cringe-worthy lines it’s actually hard to watch. That said, I realize that many movie sequels back then fell victim to the movie studios’ belief that the franchise name would sell the film, and they wouldn’t have to try very hard. See Teen Wolf 2 for another example of this. That doesn’t seem to happen so much anymore, however. It seems that sequels come out now to destroy their predecessors, with the exception of Boondock Saints II, which is such a piece of shit that during the first five minutes, I wondered who set out to destroy that movie franchise on purpose. I’m a huge Boondock Saints fan, and it saddens me to see how many other Boondock Saints fans are in complete denial about the second movie.  I’ve never seen the end of Boondock Saints II because I’d rather chop off my own dick than sit through that movie to its fucking poorly written, poorly acted end. Someday, I’ll eat a bunch of pills and try to slog through it like a champ in order to validate my opinion.

AND, to bring it full circle…I think that’s what happened with Rocky II. I think people at the time loved the first Rocky movie so much that they were willing to completely look past the fact that it was awful. Even the New York Post raved about it like it was some sort of Hollywood achievement (which goes to show who owns what and who’s pulling what strings). Eighty percent of that movie is Stallone walking around acting like someone thinks Rocky Balboa acts with his new found wealth, blowing his money on bullshit while his wife looks at him disapprovingly whilst simultaneously having no qualms about wearing fur coats and diamonds and shit. Hey, look, alright, I understand that the series is about the life of a man who comes from the streets and hurdles to fame and fortune over night, but there was certainly a way it could have been done that required at least some decent writing, acting, and perhaps some real action…and by action, I don’t even necessarily mean violence, though some more believable boxing scenes would have been a treat…just more than a bunch of nothingness, as we follow an idiot around the city and watch him buy cars and clothes. And for fuck sake…beat the fuck out of Pauly or just give the guy a fucking job! What’s with the song and dance?! You’re fucking the guy’s sister, he’s letting you train on his meat, so throw the fucker a bone, which I know he does…but WTF is the hold up about?! The only guy who remains consistent through the series was Mick. Mick is awesome…end of story.

Today, I began Rocky III, and even after watching only the first half hour which includes Hulk Hogan as “Thunderlips: The Ultimate Male”. I absolutely still love this movie. It recaptures everything; there are great scenes, great lines, and it captures that need to climb to the top as the first one did. Not to mention, both the plot and Mr. T are fucking awesome. Mr. T is like an angry rabid badger in that movie, and it’s so visceral, you may actually worry he’s going to climb out of the television and eat your wife. AND…there is a message that remains RESPECTFULLY intact: Never forget where you come from and watch your ego because there is always a hungry motherfucker out there in the shadows ready to take your shit from you no matter how tough you think you are.

Perhaps Boondock Saints NEEDS a third movie for some god damn redemption. Please for the love of all things fucked, someone redeem that franchise! It’s not good when a movie makes me want to get drunk and shoot my fucking T.V.

Rocky rant part 2 is coming soon my pretties.

Been a while since I did one of these…

06/16/2012

Hey, I'm an ugly whore who won't get better with age!

Haven’t done an Are You Afraid of the Dark? review in a long time, and so I said, hey, I’m going to do one, well, not so much review, these are more… watchalong comments.

S01 E05 The Tale of the Hungry Hounds

Well well if it isn’t the ole’ lesbo gang, hanging out in the woods and blahblahblah. Dun dun dunnnn there’s howling oh nooooo what will they do? Oh they’re still making fun of blondie while simultaneously all lesbo-ing after her. And she’s the storyteller this time around. meh.

Hey this episode stars Mia Kirshner, someone told me I looked like her once, I completely disagree, but it would be kind of cool if it was actually true. There’s an attic with a woman with a white sheet over her head, she must have read that wikihow on how to make a cheap ghost costume. Ahhh she just misquoted Hamlet, that annoys me tremendously. Oh they’re goonie-ing this shit up and finding random stuff in the attic now.

They find an old chest, it can’t be opened, it’s time for dinner, or to feed the dog, or eat it or some shit. Now they look at horses, and she pulls a carrot out of her ass, seriously, she does. She isn’t allowed to ride horses, and her mother is angry about horses, she must have had an uncle turned into glue or something.

Now they’re suddenly playing with a ouija board out in a field, no idea why the board is partly in French, though, but it is. The board tells them they’re annoying little cunts and to stop waking up the ghosts. Her friend has the worst hair cut ever, and she looks like a fifty year old widow. And it also gives the the combination to the chest. 1-4-9 guys, remember that.

The chest seems to have a fog machine in it, and some stuff for bondage night. Now she puts on the clothes and suddenly turns into a whore. It’s weird. This part really seriously makes no fucking sense at all. She walks through a hole in the attic wall, down some stairs to a field, and suddenly they’re in the woods. You know what, fuck this, I went through twelve minutes of hell, and I’m not finishing this. Watch it yourselves, I’m not in the mood for lesbian horse-fucking orgy movies.

Goodnight, fuckos.

ps… new mp3 of the moment up over on the right, particularly spectacular choice this time around if you liked the first Troll movie.

Are you afraid of weird looking kids from the nineties? Well, you should be…

05/12/2011

HI EVERYBODY! It’s a new review of Are You Afraid of the Dark?! We certainly are moving right along through the first season, skipping merrily, and a bit handicappededly, and thwarting the insidious plans of ghouls and old women left, right, and center. So, on it goes…

S01 E04 The Tale of the Twisted Claw

Little kid sleeping in one of the tiniest beds ever, dreams of doomy death thing coming in, obviously with a smoke machine around, wakes up, guy is still there, Midnight Society screams, the story ends. wtf… Okay they start a new story, now. Ooh David, Blondie’s new bf , is going to tell one, it makes her all hot and bothered in her special place. Here goes…

It’s the night before Halloween, “the night of tricks”. Someone does something to a house, and shaving cream is involved and toilet paper, and all that jazz. Time to go to the scary house, unfortunately no robots. Anyway, Kevin is the daring on, apparently looking for adventure. He goes to the house, probably to plant bombs, or in this case put shaving cream on the front door, but lady opens door, and she gets creamed in the face. OHHOHO! Good thing her glasses were on, amIright? She laughs maniacally, rubs it all over her, and starts sucking her fingers clean.

Kevin is dressed as a bum, Doug is, I don’t know, an old guy wearing a sheet or something? They go past the house again, obviously it’s the day after the creaming incident, and decide to trick or treat there, because they’re stupid retards. Kids do the darndest things. Woman is all excited the kids came, they were the only ones that did, so she decides they deserve a “special treat”. She gives them what looks like a dead chicken’s foot in a box, but says it’s a wooden vulture claw and people get three wishes with it. She insists. Warning: BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR, YOU JUST. MIGHT. GET. IT.

OH, it moved! No it didn’t! No, it totally did! Kids in masks gang up on them, looking horrifying and sounding upset with life. Candy is stolen, angry kids on bikes, chasechasechase, but no catch. Doug wished for no more trick or treats at some point that I missed because it wasn’t important, but apparently them getting it stolen was the wish being granted.

what's up, dickheads?

Hey, you don't want that candy, do you?

In school, Kevin wants to beat kid with red hair in some sports crap, wishes, and claw thing turns green and gets all -wish granty- and then we see everyone outside what looks exactly like my old elementary school, playing something or other and smelling like dirty monkey children. There is a kid in a wheelchair with a gimp hand out on the field cheering, or at least, flailing, on the competitors which makes you feel weird for a second, as there is no real reason for people to have gotten that kind of wheelchair all the way out in the middle of the grass for that purpose.

Anyway, a tree starts growling, red hair guy falls, it’s in slow motion and all “ARRRRrrrrrrroowwwwwrrrr”, and Kevin wins the race. Oh and other kid broke his leg or some crap. Hopefully they cut it off and replace it with the dead vulture chicken talon foot thing. Two wishes down the drain, they each have two more to go. They get in an argument and Kevin displays some of the worst acting ever, which was obviously inspired by watching too many Joe Pesci movies. He wishes Doug’s parents would disappear, so they get in a car accident. Holy crap there are so many wishes to go. Okay, I have to break this down a fuck load faster…

remaining wishes:

-wishes dead grandfather was there to help them (arrives in a lovely old car, of course)
-wishes they didn’t break old woman’s vase and the incident the night before Halloween never happened. (aww, how pleasant)

Things are all back to normal, grandfather is re-dead, parents are un-accidented, other kid is unbroken, mask kids never chased them, yadda yadda you get the picture. Vase at the door, message says “trick or treat”.

Some mysterious musings, the end. OOooh campfire hooligans are sooooo scared.

I declare this meeting of the Midnight Society closed, until next time, pleasant dreams, every one.

Play with my doll collection, don’t be a zeeb!

05/05/2011

Well, it’s been forever since an update, although I have about a dozen half written ones. I didn’t want a bunch of reviews in a row, but apparently that is precisely what I’ve done. So enjoy this amazing tale of stupid crap. cheers.

The Tale of the Lonely Ghost S01E03

Yet another of one of the most popular episodes… let’s get started folks. Blondie walking through the woods, being all scared and stupid, stalker David stalking like he does best, kissing her ass and giving her a bday present, things get all awww and <3 with them, then they go sit and worship their fire gods. Fighting and stupidity commences, now it's story time. START FAST, THE NATIVES ARE RESTLESS... a story about love, angry kids, and death death death (forever)...[caption id="attachment_402" align="alignright" width="245" caption="Hey, I'm an ugly cunt and my dolls aren't creepy."][/caption]

Summer vacation, kids are ~~psyched~~, except for pissy little Amanda, who has to suffer at her aunt’s house. She has scientist parents, which is awesome, but she’s a whore and doesn’t like it. Also, the crotch in her pants is massive, and it’s distracting. Her cousin gives her the look of death from a window, hears noises from the abandoned house next door, and has a lot of books which is supposed to set up that she is nerdy little whatever that nobody likes, instead of just being a girl with a brain that has better things to do than shove hairspray bottles up their cooch.

She has to sleep in her cousin’s room, on a bed full of creepy fucking dolls, and a chick with red hair and probably a penis. She actually looks kind of like a penis. She thinks she and her friends are super awesome, and Amanda is apparently a “zeeb”. : \ Amanda’s new daily tasks include fixing the animal collection every day, not crying no matter what happens, no “snitching”, and being “initiated”, by spending a night alone in the supposed haunted house next door.

Old lady creepers up the stairs, says she is “nanny” and tries to talk to Amanda, but red haired penis girl says nonono, and throws a shit fit and says nobody can talk to her because she’s crazy and blahbalh insane blah blah ghost blah. Also, tomorrow night is initiation night, bitches!

Outside haunted house thing, they tell stupid story before she goes in… long time ago blah blah little girl nobody likes, she can’t talk… why? WE DON’T KNOW SHE JUST COULDN’T GOD JUST LISTEN! One day something something, father sick, girl goes away but dies when kids kill her in the house which sort of makes no sense, she was trapped inside and “didn’t escape alive”, or some stupid shit. “AND WHEN THEY FOUND HER, SHE WAS DEAD!” It’s sort of a scary story, deal with it, assholes.

Girl goes in, noises happen, EMPLEH is written on the wall, and you know what that means! Little girl in the mirror reaching out for a friend. Girl runs out and says fuck this shit, I’m going back to red haired penis girl and creepy nanner.

They have to scrub the writing off the wall, blah blah, now it is written all over the wall instead. Amanda gets blamed, red hair girl is pissed off. Mirror starts showing some creeper shit with dolls which lures in red haired retard girl. Oooooh there she goes, and little dead girl comes out, which is a pretty good trade, I’d say. She is sort of Bjork-like.

Here take the necklace, Amanda, cheers! It’s a picture of nanner, her mother apparently. She wants help, she wants her mother. Red hair girl is crying and wah wah in the mirror, where she belongs, yay. Nanny comes to see the dead girl, goes through the mirror, is transformed into younger her, and red hair girl is free and crying like a little bitch, which everyone sees and laughs at her, then they light her hair on fire and peel her face skin off with a potato peeler.

Fire’s out, kids are leaving, blondie and stalker have sex on the burning embers, and she opens her gift. It’s a locket with a picture of his balls inside. the end.

Cagey Clown Caught in Calamity!

04/04/2011

s01e02 The Tale of the Laughing in the Dark

Here it is, my next Are You Afraid of the Dark episode review… I think this is probably one of the most popular of all the episodes, and I assume most people have seen this. It starts off with kids at a carnival, running through the “spook house” named Laughing in the Dark. Oh no, little stupid girl, don’t open door number six, there’s a killer clown inside AHHH! Aww, “little miss perfect” blondie girl tries to run away from the campfire, whining about hating clowns. Everyone basically tells her she’s a fucking prissy little pusspuss (and I quote), and dare her to stay. She, of course, does, just to show those young whippersnappers just how rough and tumble she really is.

Zeebo: also available for kids' parties and clown maulings.

Okay back to the carnival we go, two older guys, one of these being named Weegi, or Ouiga, or WeeGee, is talking about how there are tons of of rumors about the stupid haunted house ride thing actually being haunted, when oh ho, look who it is, the creepy old carnival guy, straw hat, red and white striped jacket, and a good ole’ yarn to tell. “He’s in there alright, just waitin’, pick the right door and you’ll go free, pick the wrong door, and there he’ll be!” DUn dun dunn… creepy guy creeps them into leaving, and of course, they don’t bother with the haunted clown house.

The next day, the kids are playing in a room, and apparently they’ve been researching information that miraculously answers all questions about “the spook house’, and the clown, Zeebo, who burned to death inside of it because he was a dirty motherfucker who couldn’t put his stupid cigar out. The new “spookhouse” was built years later, with a fake Zeebo clown inside, because obviously it makes sense to put one in there, when the real one burned shit down and stole money from the park, durrrrrrrrr.

Okay this shit is getting retardedly boring, so here goes the fast version… red haired, no eyebrows kid wants to tickle fight Weegie’s little sister, I don’t know what the fuck that is all about, but it is way creepier than the clown, red hair kid is dared to steal the clown nose, he does, weird shit happens to him at home, the clown is pissed, he wants his motherfucking nose back, and ginger’s got it. Things go stupid in his kitchen, clowny gives him a phone call, there’s cigar smoke, melted something with clown shoeprints, and carnival music that may or may not just be the soundtrack to the show. He has a panic attack and calls Weegie, who says it ain’t nuthin but a thang. Blah blah, clown coming for him blahdeedeeblahblah, He goes back to the carnival, puts the nose back, and all is well in the world of red haired tickle kid.

Oh yeah, carnival guy laughs and says “it’s the most fun in the park, when you’re laughing in the dark”. Somehow that was meant to be important. the end. oh wait, also blondie made it through the whole clown story, they make fun of her anyway, tie her to tree, and let bears eat her. the end, for real this time.

Hey, are you afraid of the dark?

03/31/2011

WELL, are you?!!?

So, I just happen to have all seven seasons of “Are You Afraid of the Dark?”, and have decided to start a new section here on smeat reviewing as I go through all ninety-something episodes of this, sometimes painful to watch, series. I’ll write as I watch, and perhaps you will suddenly feel the urge to start your own Midnight Society. You ready? *cues eye of the tiger music*

s01e01 The Tale of the Phantom Cab:
Episode one starts with the introduction of the group members, and Frank’s induction story. Buzz and Denny are brothers who are actively getting lost in the woods like morons. Buzz is a walking stereotype, backwards hat, perma-scowl on his face, and a sleeveless denim shirt D: The shirt makes me hate him immediately, what a fucking dick.

Denny books it and Buzz follows him, perma-scowling all the way, threatening to “pound” his brother. Ooooh a light in the fog, could this imply danger is on its way? NAH, it’s totally normal and safe, kids, just talk to him, no killers this way. “Farther than you know, my friend, farther than you know”, is his money line. Go fog stranger, go!

Fog stranger leads them to “someone who could help”, who happens to be someone quite smilar to Hagrid; his house is pretty much identical. Hobbit Hagrid guy is called the doctor, at least is what fog stranger calls him right before he disapears, which for some reason, is in no way weird to either of the kids. Laughing, moaning, vibrating shrubbery is a bit troubling to them, though, so they decide to take their chances with doctor hagrid hobbit in order to get out of the woods.

So, Doctor Vink (that’s his name, folks!), studies plants, kidnaps children, and also LOVES riddles, which the boys have to answer. Here they are if you’re interested:

Riddle Time with Doctor Vink:

1. How far can you walk into the woods?

2. What is it that has no weight, can be seen by the naked eye, and if you put it in a barrel, it would make the barrel lighter. (easy one, Doctor Vink, you suck)

Ok, so Denny fucks it all up by not getting the second riddle, turning Doc into an angry, hairy creeper. He wants to cut off one of their hands, or take out one of their brains, which makes them run the fuck out of there and back into the woods.

welcome to the gang, fuckface!

At this point a disheveled taxi comes tumbling through the woods and picks them up. Again, they see nothing wrong with getting into the vehicle, which looks like it was just pulled out of a swamp and dried off with muddy towels. OH HEY LOOK IT’S FOG GUY, nice way to wrap this shit up, AYAOTD, we’ve come full circle. Fog guy divulges that he is actually dead, proves this to them by turning his head all the way backwards, and shows them his hand is missing because the doctor took it. Probably information that would have been more useful when he was the guy who told them to see the damned doctor in the first place.

So taxi guy is pissed and decides he wants to drive them all into a tree, the only thing that will make this not happen is solving that last riddle, which Denny finally figures out right before impact, and starts screaming “A HOLE A HOLE A HOLE A HOLE”, which, of course, was the correct answer.

The cab disappears, they don’t hit the tree, Buzz hugs Denny and acts all happily ever after with him, a guy in a truck comes to save them, Frank’s story gets him into the Midnight Society, and that, my friends, is the first episode.