HI EVERYBODY! It’s a new review of Are You Afraid of the Dark?! We certainly are moving right along through the first season, skipping merrily, and a bit handicappededly, and thwarting the insidious plans of ghouls and old women left, right, and center. So, on it goes…

S01 E04 The Tale of the Twisted Claw

Little kid sleeping in one of the tiniest beds ever, dreams of doomy death thing coming in, obviously with a smoke machine around, wakes up, guy is still there, Midnight Society screams, the story ends. wtf… Okay they start a new story, now. Ooh David, Blondie’s new bf , is going to tell one, it makes her all hot and bothered in her special place. Here goes…

It’s the night before Halloween, “the night of tricks”. Someone does something to a house, and shaving cream is involved and toilet paper, and all that jazz. Time to go to the scary house, unfortunately no robots. Anyway, Kevin is the daring on, apparently looking for adventure. He goes to the house, probably to plant bombs, or in this case put shaving cream on the front door, but lady opens door, and she gets creamed in the face. OHHOHO! Good thing her glasses were on, amIright? She laughs maniacally, rubs it all over her, and starts sucking her fingers clean.

Kevin is dressed as a bum, Doug is, I don’t know, an old guy wearing a sheet or something? They go past the house again, obviously it’s the day after the creaming incident, and decide to trick or treat there, because they’re stupid retards. Kids do the darndest things. Woman is all excited the kids came, they were the only ones that did, so she decides they deserve a “special treat”. She gives them what looks like a dead chicken’s foot in a box, but says it’s a wooden vulture claw and people get three wishes with it. She insists. Warning: BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR, YOU JUST. MIGHT. GET. IT.

OH, it moved! No it didn’t! No, it totally did! Kids in masks gang up on them, looking horrifying and sounding upset with life. Candy is stolen, angry kids on bikes, chasechasechase, but no catch. Doug wished for no more trick or treats at some point that I missed because it wasn’t important, but apparently them getting it stolen was the wish being granted.

In school, Kevin wants to beat kid with red hair in some sports crap, wishes, and claw thing turns green and gets all -wish granty- and then we see everyone outside what looks exactly like my old elementary school, playing something or other and smelling like dirty monkey children. There is a kid in a wheelchair with a gimp hand out on the field cheering, or at least, flailing, on the competitors which makes you feel weird for a second, as there is no real reason for people to have gotten that kind of wheelchair all the way out in the middle of the grass for that purpose.

Anyway, a tree starts growling, red hair guy falls, it’s in slow motion and all “ARRRRrrrrrrroowwwwwrrrr”, and Kevin wins the race. Oh and other kid broke his leg or some crap. Hopefully they cut it off and replace it with the dead vulture chicken talon foot thing. Two wishes down the drain, they each have two more to go. They get in an argument and Kevin displays some of the worst acting ever, which was obviously inspired by watching too many Joe Pesci movies. He wishes Doug’s parents would disappear, so they get in a car accident. Holy crap there are so many wishes to go. Okay, I have to break this down a fuck load faster…

remaining wishes:

-wishes dead grandfather was there to help them (arrives in a lovely old car, of course)
-wishes they didn’t break old woman’s vase and the incident the night before Halloween never happened. (aww, how pleasant)

Things are all back to normal, grandfather is re-dead, parents are un-accidented, other kid is unbroken, mask kids never chased them, yadda yadda you get the picture. Vase at the door, message says “trick or treat”.

Some mysterious musings, the end. OOooh campfire hooligans are sooooo scared.

I declare this meeting of the Midnight Society closed, until next time, pleasant dreams, every one.

Well, it’s been forever since an update, although I have about a dozen half written ones. I didn’t want a bunch of reviews in a row, but apparently that is precisely what I’ve done. So enjoy this amazing tale of stupid crap. cheers.

The Tale of the Lonely Ghost S01E03

Yet another of one of the most popular episodes… let’s get started folks. Blondie walking through the woods, being all scared and stupid, stalker David stalking like he does best, kissing her ass and giving her a bday present, things get all awww and <3 with them, then they go sit and worship their fire gods. Fighting and stupidity commences, now it's story time.

START FAST, THE NATIVES ARE RESTLESS...

a story about love, angry kids, and death death death (forever)...

Summer vacation, kids are ~~psyched~~, except for pissy little Amanda, who has to suffer at her aunt’s house. She has scientist parents, which is awesome, but she’s a whore and doesn’t like it. Also, the crotch in her pants is massive, and it’s distracting. Her cousin gives her the look of death from a window, hears noises from the abandoned house next door, and has a lot of books which is supposed to set up that she is nerdy little whatever that nobody likes, instead of just being a girl with a brain that has better things to do than shove hairspray bottles up their cooch.

She has to sleep in her cousin’s room, on a bed full of creepy fucking dolls, and a chick with red hair and probably a penis. She actually looks kind of like a penis. She thinks she and her friends are super awesome, and Amanda is apparently a “zeeb”. : \ Amanda’s new daily tasks include fixing the animal collection every day, not crying no matter what happens, no “snitching”, and being “initiated”, by spending a night alone in the supposed haunted house next door.

Old lady creepers up the stairs, says she is “nanny” and tries to talk to Amanda, but red haired penis girl says nonono, and throws a shit fit and says nobody can talk to her because she’s crazy and blahbalh insane blah blah ghost blah. Also, tomorrow night is initiation night, bitches!

Outside haunted house thing, they tell stupid story before she goes in… long time ago blah blah little girl nobody likes, she can’t talk… why? WE DON’T KNOW SHE JUST COULDN’T GOD JUST LISTEN! One day something something, father sick, girl goes away but dies when kids kill her in the house which sort of makes no sense, she was trapped inside and “didn’t escape alive”, or some stupid shit. “AND WHEN THEY FOUND HER, SHE WAS DEAD!” It’s sort of a scary story, deal with it, assholes.

Girl goes in, noises happen, EMPLEH is written on the wall, and you know what that means! Little girl in the mirror reaching out for a friend. Girl runs out and says fuck this shit, I’m going back to red haired penis girl and creepy nanner.

They have to scrub the writing off the wall, blah blah, now it is written all over the wall instead. Amanda gets blamed, red hair girl is pissed off. Mirror starts showing some creeper shit with dolls which lures in red haired retard girl. Oooooh there she goes, and little dead girl comes out, which is a pretty good trade, I’d say. She is sort of Bjork-like.

Here take the necklace, Amanda, cheers! It’s a picture of nanner, her mother apparently. She wants help, she wants her mother. Red hair girl is crying and wah wah in the mirror, where she belongs, yay. Nanny comes to see the dead girl, goes through the mirror, is transformed into younger her, and red hair girl is free and crying like a little bitch, which everyone sees and laughs at her, then they light her hair on fire and peel her face skin off with a potato peeler.

Fire’s out, kids are leaving, blondie and stalker have sex on the burning embers, and she opens her gift. It’s a locket with a picture of his balls inside. the end.

s01e02 The Tale of the Laughing in the Dark

Here it is, my next Are You Afraid of the Dark episode review… I think this is probably one of the most popular of all the episodes, and I assume most people have seen this. It starts off with kids at a carnival, running through the “spook house” named Laughing in the Dark. Oh no, little stupid girl, don’t open door number six, there’s a killer clown inside AHHH! Aww, “little miss perfect” blondie girl tries to run away from the campfire, whining about hating clowns. Everyone basically tells her she’s a fucking prissy little pusspuss (and I quote), and dare her to stay. She, of course, does, just to show those young whippersnappers just how rough and tumble she really is.

Okay back to the carnival we go, two older guys, one of these being named Weegi, or Ouiga, or WeeGee, is talking about how there are tons of of rumors about the stupid haunted house ride thing actually being haunted, when oh ho, look who it is, the creepy old carnival guy, straw hat, red and white striped jacket, and a good ole’ yarn to tell. “He’s in there alright, just waitin’, pick the right door and you’ll go free, pick the wrong door, and there he’ll be!” DUn dun dunn… creepy guy creeps them into leaving, and of course, they don’t bother with the haunted clown house.

The next day, the kids are playing in a room, and apparently they’ve been researching information that miraculously answers all questions about “the spook house’, and the clown, Zeebo, who burned to death inside of it because he was a dirty motherfucker who couldn’t put his stupid cigar out. The new “spookhouse” was built years later, with a fake Zeebo clown inside, because obviously it makes sense to put one in there, when the real one burned shit down and stole money from the park, durrrrrrrrr.

Okay this shit is getting retardedly boring, so here goes the fast version… red haired, no eyebrows kid wants to tickle fight Weegie’s little sister, I don’t know what the fuck that is all about, but it is way creepier than the clown, red hair kid is dared to steal the clown nose, he does, weird shit happens to him at home, the clown is pissed, he wants his motherfucking nose back, and ginger’s got it. Things go stupid in his kitchen, clowny gives him a phone call, there’s cigar smoke, melted something with clown shoeprints, and carnival music that may or may not just be the soundtrack to the show. He has a panic attack and calls Weegie, who says it ain’t nuthin but a thang. Blah blah, clown coming for him blahdeedeeblahblah, He goes back to the carnival, puts the nose back, and all is well in the world of red haired tickle kid.

Oh yeah, carnival guy laughs and says “it’s the most fun in the park, when you’re laughing in the dark”. Somehow that was meant to be important. the end. oh wait, also blondie made it through the whole clown story, they make fun of her anyway, tie her to tree, and let bears eat her. the end, for real this time.

So, I just happen to have all seven seasons of “Are You Afraid of the Dark?”, and have decided to start a new section here on smeat reviewing as I go through all ninety-something episodes of this, sometimes painful to watch, series. I’ll write as I watch, and perhaps you will suddenly feel the urge to start your own Midnight Society. You ready? *cues eye of the tiger music*

s01e01 The Tale of the Phantom Cab:
Episode one starts with the introduction of the group members, and Frank’s induction story. Buzz and Denny are brothers who are actively getting lost in the woods like morons. Buzz is a walking stereotype, backwards hat, perma-scowl on his face, and a sleeveless denim shirt D: The shirt makes me hate him immediately, what a fucking dick.

Denny books it and Buzz follows him, perma-scowling all the way, threatening to “pound” his brother. Ooooh a light in the fog, could this imply danger is on its way? NAH, it’s totally normal and safe, kids, just talk to him, no killers this way. “Farther than you know, my friend, farther than you know”, is his money line. Go fog stranger, go!

Fog stranger leads them to “someone who could help”, who happens to be someone quite smilar to Hagrid; his house is pretty much identical. Hobbit Hagrid guy is called the doctor, at least is what fog stranger calls him right before he disapears, which for some reason, is in no way weird to either of the kids. Laughing, moaning, vibrating shrubbery is a bit troubling to them, though, so they decide to take their chances with doctor hagrid hobbit in order to get out of the woods.

So, Doctor Vink (that’s his name, folks!), studies plants, kidnaps children, and also LOVES riddles, which the boys have to answer. Here they are if you’re interested:

Riddle Time with Doctor Vink:

1. How far can you walk into the woods?

2. What is it that has no weight, can be seen by the naked eye, and if you put it in a barrel, it would make the barrel lighter. (easy one, Doctor Vink, you suck)

Ok, so Denny fucks it all up by not getting the second riddle, turning Doc into an angry, hairy creeper. He wants to cut off one of their hands, or take out one of their brains, which makes them run the fuck out of there and back into the woods.

At this point a disheveled taxi comes tumbling through the woods and picks them up. Again, they see nothing wrong with getting into the vehicle, which looks like it was just pulled out of a swamp and dried off with muddy towels. OH HEY LOOK IT’S FOG GUY, nice way to wrap this shit up, AYAOTD, we’ve come full circle. Fog guy divulges that he is actually dead, proves this to them by turning his head all the way backwards, and shows them his hand is missing because the doctor took it. Probably information that would have been more useful when he was the guy who told them to see the damned doctor in the first place.

So taxi guy is pissed and decides he wants to drive them all into a tree, the only thing that will make this not happen is solving that last riddle, which Denny finally figures out right before impact, and starts screaming “A HOLE A HOLE A HOLE A HOLE”, which, of course, was the correct answer.

The cab disappears, they don’t hit the tree, Buzz hugs Denny and acts all happily ever after with him, a guy in a truck comes to save them, Frank’s story gets him into the Midnight Society, and that, my friends, is the first episode.