Archive for the ‘moviesargh’ Category

Rick on the Rock!

Friday, October 4th, 2013

OldRockySo, starting last night, I decided to sit down and watch the entire “Rocky” anthology, starring Sly Stallone as Rocky Balboa “The Italian Stallion.” I haven’t watched these movies in MANY years. My dad was a huge fan, so therefore, growing up, I was also a huge fan. One of few items of his I received after he passed away (my POS stepmother butt-fucked me and my sister out of everything else, and hopefully, she gets catapulted into the Fukushima power plant cunt first) was his “Rocky” anthology. I recently realized that I’ve never seen the 6th one, so before I sit down and watch that (which I do not have high hopes for), I have decided to rewatch the first five movies…in doing so, I realized a few things:

Firstly, Rocky 1 is a GREAT movie. Say what you will about Stallone’s acting abilities, but he BECOMES Rocky Balboa in that movie, and that is why the first one is great. It’s gritty, low budget, easy to relate to, and full of heart. It even feels like the cast is enjoying being a part of that film. On a side note, I also realized that Mickey Avalon looks exactly like Rocky in the 70′s and that Yolandi Visser from Die Antwoord looks just like Adrian, except I’d much rather fuck Yolandi…not important, just an observation. But that movie captures the essence of a good person trapped in an unfair situation doing whatever he has to do to survive. He’s a really nice guy who is working for a loan shark and hustling motherfuckers for money because he doesn’t have a high IQ and basically has no choice. I like that. I like good people who do bad things. It adds something irking to the tale. But then, opportunity knocks, and it truly becomes a great story about legitimately pouring your soul into an endeavor and overcoming all odds in the end. What makes it even better (spoiler alert for the slouching FAR behinders) is that Rocky loses the fight in the first movie, yet manages to emerge as a different kind of winner. Awesome!

Then I watched Rocky II. It seems my youth deceived me because number 2 is exactly that: A huge piece of tumbling steaming shit on the chest of the movie industry that never stops happening. It is a Steaming Cleveland combined with a Turkish Earthquake, meaning you’re just falling down the stairs with another person who was squatting over you, who you just blew, mind you, and now, that dude is just spraying shit in the air, and you’ve got diarrhea in your chest hair, not to mention a mouthful of cum, and now THAT’S spewing all over both of you because you’re screaming, while the other dude’s recently serviced dick, which is spittling like grandpa babbling with skewed dentures right in your face, is just flopping in the breeze like the business end of bingo arms. In other words, it is not a good movie. For starters, the writing is awful, and the lines are delivered as if by people who are trying to act instead of actually acting. Bored porn stars with their clitorises removed do a better job. There are so many cringe-worthy lines it’s actually hard to watch. That said, I realize that many movie sequels back then fell victim to the movie studios’ belief that the franchise name would sell the film, and they wouldn’t have to try very hard. See Teen Wolf 2 for another example of this. That doesn’t seem to happen so much anymore, however. It seems that sequels come out now to destroy their predecessors, with the exception of Boondock Saints II, which is such a piece of shit that during the first five minutes, I wondered who set out to destroy that movie franchise on purpose. I’m a huge Boondock Saints fan, and it saddens me to see how many other Boondock Saints fans are in complete denial about the second movie.  I’ve never seen the end of Boondock Saints II because I’d rather chop off my own dick than sit through that movie to its fucking poorly written, poorly acted end. Someday, I’ll eat a bunch of pills and try to slog through it like a champ in order to validate my opinion.

AND, to bring it full circle…I think that’s what happened with Rocky II. I think people at the time loved the first Rocky movie so much that they were willing to completely look past the fact that it was awful. Even the New York Post raved about it like it was some sort of Hollywood achievement (which goes to show who owns what and who’s pulling what strings). Eighty percent of that movie is Stallone walking around acting like someone thinks Rocky Balboa acts with his new found wealth, blowing his money on bullshit while his wife looks at him disapprovingly whilst simultaneously having no qualms about wearing fur coats and diamonds and shit. Hey, look, alright, I understand that the series is about the life of a man who comes from the streets and hurdles to fame and fortune over night, but there was certainly a way it could have been done that required at least some decent writing, acting, and perhaps some real action…and by action, I don’t even necessarily mean violence, though some more believable boxing scenes would have been a treat…just more than a bunch of nothingness, as we follow an idiot around the city and watch him buy cars and clothes. And for fuck sake…beat the fuck out of Pauly or just give the guy a fucking job! What’s with the song and dance?! You’re fucking the guy’s sister, he’s letting you train on his meat, so throw the fucker a bone, which I know he does…but WTF is the hold up about?! The only guy who remains consistent through the series was Mick. Mick is awesome…end of story.

Today, I began Rocky III, and even after watching only the first half hour which includes Hulk Hogan as “Thunderlips: The Ultimate Male”. I absolutely still love this movie. It recaptures everything; there are great scenes, great lines, and it captures that need to climb to the top as the first one did. Not to mention, both the plot and Mr. T are fucking awesome. Mr. T is like an angry rabid badger in that movie, and it’s so visceral, you may actually worry he’s going to climb out of the television and eat your wife. AND…there is a message that remains RESPECTFULLY intact: Never forget where you come from and watch your ego because there is always a hungry motherfucker out there in the shadows ready to take your shit from you no matter how tough you think you are.

Perhaps Boondock Saints NEEDS a third movie for some god damn redemption. Please for the love of all things fucked, someone redeem that franchise! It’s not good when a movie makes me want to get drunk and shoot my fucking T.V.

Rocky rant part 2 is coming soon my pretties.

Gee golly whiz, jeepers peanutbutter fiddle dee diskers, mister…

Sunday, September 4th, 2011

Joe:
We’re back like a renegade master, rapping with the best of them and trampling the rest of them. Today we’re reviewing an episode of The Twilight Zone, I don’t really know why but it’s this or Sarah watching more Are you afraid of the dark and she gave up on that shit long ago. I found this episode to be quite spiffy, the usage of a black and white camera and lots of hair gel made it feel like it really was made in the 50s where people thought comics were worth a damn and they didn’t reboot the universe because they fucked it up and retconned everything 83 times each month. There are no alien penises and quite frankly I just wanted to write a cool intro and pretend I was black, so insert your own review here because I just wasted your time reading all this shit and you can just go watch the episode (complete with 2 minute Australian intro and 2 commercial breaks) on youtube by following the link above. Enjoy your evening folks and keep watching the skies (but not at night because that makes you an alien… Asshole)

Sarah:
You are meant to watch this and think about how quick humans are to cause chaos and panic in situations where acting patiently and rationally are clearly the best options. Since this was made in the ’50′s, there weren’t too many examples of people actually ever doing that, since we’re talking about a time period where kids were being taught that hiding under their school desks would save them from bombs dropping. The episode we watched also had Australian commercials in it, and nothing is more irrational and mind-boggling as those thing are, so it was a good match all around. Seeming as how decades have gone by since this came out, we are basically just meant to look back at it at this point and shake our heads in disgust because we have become these people to such a ridiculous degree, that the episode characters seem harmless and silly in comparison, even if they are shooting their neighbors while getting drunk in Hawaiian shirts and slicked back 50′s hair cuts.

and the week of reviews continues…

Monday, August 15th, 2011

…with two (very) short films that you can watch now by clicking the banners below:

Joe:
This week we are breaking all the rules, like some kind of rule breaking bad asses! Not only are we reviewing two movies but they are also good films! I know everyone just likes to see us suffer but fuck you and your whale impregnation stories! Oktapodi is an animated short about 2 OCTOPUSES that get get seperated and have to go on a long car chase to save each other. The animation is excellent and the music fits nicely. It is an enjoyable 2 minute romp looking at the world of Octopi love not involving Japanese women’s vaginas. I recommend this movie to adults who enjoy bright colours and being reminded of Devil may cry 2, Counter strike and Half life 2.

Sarah:
I love OCTOPI, and super colorful awesome ones in love are even better. I will also take this opportunity to point out that I refuse to pluralize octopus as “octopuses”, it will always be “octopi” to me, even though, if we want to get very technical, the absolutely, one hundred percent grammatically correct way of pluralizing the word is octopodes. So put that in your pipes and smoke it, just make sure that when you do, you do it outside, because smoked octopus doesn’t smell very good, so it’s better if you do it where there’s a light breeze that can carry the stink over to your neighbor’s house. Also, this movie was awesome, clearly the best we’ve seen in quite a long while, too bad it wasn’t longer. I hope I have dream about this and no more nightmares about the ninja turtles.

Joe:
CL!CK: A LEGO short film may have the title of a 12 year old script kiddy but is the perfect stop motion movie. It tells an excellent story about an eccentric man trying to discover human flight, brilliantly capturing the excitement of both lego and science, even touching on the child like wonderment of discovering new things. I would recommend this movie to everyone who isn’t a paedophile or an asshole, they don’t deserve this kind of movie. Which is probably why tomorrow we will be back to reviewing bullshit like Terror Toons instead of miniature master pieces of mustache untwirling goodness like this.

Sarah:
I’ve never played with/owned LEGO in my life, and for some reason it seems like I’m completely obsessed with them. I think I visit their website for one reason or another at least once a week, I want the god damned mechanical LEGO AT-AT so bad my eyeballs will one day explode from the desire that will never be fulfilled, and can’t really seem to get enough shitty LEGO shows/episodes/random stuff they come out with in game/show/whatever form on their site and television (also known as the internets). So with that being said, this movie basically encompasses the awesomeness that is LEGO mixed with the *magic* of imagination and creativity. Basically, it’s something you’d never imagine we’d actually review because everything we watch is shit, but hey, surprise surprise.

fuck. this.

Saturday, August 13th, 2011

Sarah:
I hated this movie so much that it literally made me angry the longer I watched it. This is the kind of shit that happens when people in California are so desperate to be famous they’ll jump in front of any camera pointed at them. The little girl is played by a woman with giant fake tits, and apparently that’s okay too, because hey, nothing creepy or wrong with someone pretending they’re around six years old and being the film’s token slut, as long as they’re all grown up and can afford their very own plastic tits. Here is my review of this piece of shit, pick one thing from each of the lists, whatever your result is, that is infinitely better than this movie. The end.

Joe:
This film is brain ticklingly shit. Even the whores only there to get their tits out are men cross dressing. If this is the quality of Youtube movies, I’m glad I’m only watching the Nigerian porn films on there.

Jesus invented the balloon…

Saturday, August 13th, 2011

Anddddddddd the week of reviews continues DUN Dun dunnn…

Joe:
Today we watched an excellent documentary by Louis Theroux, who was working for the BBC television network. As a Christmas special Louie collected together three people from past episodes and tried to get them to know each other better. One is a smarmy porn star (who I’ve never seen in porn), one is a right wing Christian who tries to seduce people into Christianity with bumper stickers and balloons and the final person is a weird homeless mountain guy who needs to cut his goddamn beard. Over the course of the episode they goto a porn shoot, a recording session and launch some balloons away from New York in attempt to convert New Yorkers to Christianity. Louie performs up to par as always and delivers a strong and (boob) touching documentary. I especially enjoyed the part where they contacted an alien time traveling radio signal to help guide them towards a better life, it was a beautiful scene that really filled me with the spirit of Christmas and much joy. I would encourage everyone to watch this and every other documentary Louie has made, it’s a better use or your time than Spookymeat or my website. Merry Christmas everyone!

Sarah:
Spookymeat has always been the number one place to go for Christmas, so this year we are celebrating with the best, most christmassy of all christmas anythings ever. I suggest watching this one, and then all the other “Weird Weekend” episodes as well, over and over, because they’re ten times better than any of the other crap we review, and probably the only thing we will ever review that doesn’t risk making people suicidal after having seen it, or giving them weird dreams about puppets eating bacon women that have chicken-pecked penis issues, and sock worms infesting their cat-mutilated ninja turtle intestines. So, why is this the greatest Christmas anything ever, you ask? (Okay, you didn’t really ask that, I guess, but you’re getting an answer anyway) A grizzled hippie falls in love with a singing hooker, a guy channels an alien from a parallel universe who also happens to be god (*cough sputter sputter* THIS IZZZZZ CENTRAAALLL CONTROLLLL *snort snort* THISSS IZZZZ CENTRALLL CONTROLLLLL), and a guy that spreads the word of our lord and savior by way of balloons with phone numbers to his voice mail on it (wanna go to heaven: CALL 1-800-252-LORD), and last, certainly least, (because he’s a whiny cock bag spoiled little bitch) is a porn star guy that doesn’t really belong there, but I think is just because his stupid, stuck up, bullshit attitude is amusing when he doesn’t get his way, and cries like a bitch. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

something about balls…

Thursday, August 11th, 2011

Our week of reviews continues with a lovely little animated whosiwhatsit from the early 90′s. And you don’t even have to download it, you can watch it on youtube by clicking the banner. So go watch it, you filthy drug addict.

Pig Fucker Joe:
Welcome back to Sarah’s haunted meat hole. Today we watched an anti-drug propaganda movie staring cartoon characters from the early 90s. I don’t even know where to start with this movie, it involved talking ducks, an alien, a ghost and a turtle telling people not to do drugs. But surely if smoking pot makes all your toys come to life like it’s toy story, ever kids doing to be wanting some push……. I cannot continue this review, I have a full size Miss Piggy in a bikini statue in my bed and a bag of pot to smoke. Wish me luck, I’m going balls deep in bacon flavoured snatch! 4/7 rim jobs.

[Something Derogatory] Sarah:
This was a really long animated acid trip about a kid who sees early 90′s pop culture icons when he does coke in the back room of arcades with his crack addict buddies. It’s important to note that according to this film, smoking pot poses harsher risks than walking knee deep in raw sewage with giant talking turtles. At some point Tigger gets into the angeldust (like always), and we don’t really see him again until the end, when he turns up looking for more, and it really is a surprise to nobody that Garfield spends the entire film high and craving lasagna. Overall I’d say that the characters warning about drug use all show clear signs of being drug addicts. I’d recommend this to anyone wanting to know what types of drugs their children’s toys are taking. It’s an eye-opener.

Fetus: Now in 4D

Thursday, August 11th, 2011

Joe:
Oh shit! Two reviews in 2 days, it’s like a Russian orgy up in this bitch! As a long term Kamen Rider fan I have been looking forward to this movie for a long time and had absolutely no hope for it at all. Kamen Rider Shin is a grass hopper man with glowing nipples who impregnates people via swimming pools. He fights some crimes and rides some helicopters. Shin’s story starts with him losing the ability to be a RRROOOAADDDDD RRAACCEEERRR and he starts to get headaches, then has a fight with that dude from Judge Dread, after a brief bout of fisticuffs stuff happens and then more fisticuffs commence over the corpse of a pregnant 12 year old. Shin wins and the movie ends with his nipples glowing to bring her back to life. I can’t say anything more about this movie because I’ve already spoiled the entire plot. I recommend this movie to people who like opening .exe files and can’t wait for the sequel!

Sarah:
This movie had the feel of a bad 1970′s porn full of Australians, but that were Japanese. Overall it was terrible, and also pretty disgusting. There’s one guy whose face is just so hideously misshapen it’s hard to look at him properly. I mean, no matter how you look at him, it always feels like it’s not from the correct angle, and you realize it’s because he has bulges in his head that are not really symmetrical so it makes it seem like everything about him is uneven. Like, did you ever meet someone and notice one of their eyes is slightly lower than the other, and then no matter how much you try, you can’t stop noticing it? Or when a girl has one boob that is massively larger than the other, and you wonder if she knows how noticeable it is? Then you keep staring, and you don’t even really mean to, but you keep thinking about it so you have to keep checking to make sure that what you see still connects to all the fucked up thoughts you’re having about the deformities, and you’re not just starting to let your mind run away with itself, and making things up that aren’t based on the cold hard facts? Well, you don’t have to worry about that last one in this movie, anyway, because there were no boobs in this movie, at all. There were deformed faces, though, so keep an eye out for that.

my eyeballs can’t even focus anymore…

Wednesday, August 10th, 2011

HEY GUYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS, it’s meeeeeeeeee, Sarahhhhhhhhh, totally here with another review, a week late, and chock full of mutants. Are you people LISTENING???

Joe:
Welcome back to the shitfest that is Spookyhamsandwich’s movie reviews. Today we are reviewing a French film by the name of Nescafe Gold blend. This is an advertisement about deformed people doing palour tricks while molemen plot to steal their chicken feed. The plot makes no sense, but it has mole people, French asians and a sense of justice only matched by men crossdressing in spandex and standing in a line with fireworks exploding behind them. I would recommend you take your coffee with milk, 2 sugars and some biscuits. Rich tea is always a standard issue biscuit and will dunk well, but I think something a bit lighter would suit this one better. Nice biscuits are quite nice and would do the job nicely. As a biscuit expert (aka I know what the word means and eat a lot of them), I would like to encourage more people to use the combo of mole people and biscuits. In fact I’m calling you retards with video cameras out, make a live action film about mole people trying to steal biscuits in a post apocalyptic world and I will buy the collector’s edition DVD. The advert also has some creepy clowns, suicide scenes, fictional mental illnesses and an elephant waving its trunk like a shemale’s cock. I give this film 2 dips of my biscuit and a little shake, then I swallow the whole mess.

Sarah:
This movie had some stuff in it, like panties, cannibals, and French people. It was also a love story between an almost-midget circus clown and a girl with an elongated forehead. This is the kind of movie you watch and when it’s done, you feel like you’ve missed something, even though you haven’t. That feeling starts to creep in around the time the aforementioned sewer-dwelling mole men show up, and doesn’t really end until far after the cannibal butcher throws a boomerang knife and stabs himself in the face. Overall I’d say this movie is perfect for anyone trying to convince others that playing the saw as a musical instrument is awesome. Things are starting to get sort of -outerspacey- now, so I’d better stop typing.

GO! GO! GO!

Monday, July 25th, 2011

So we decided to do a special little review that was a little longer than the normal ones. Think of it as a season finale, and while Vampire’s Kiss should truly be the season finale for anything ever (what with being the greatest movie of all time, and all), we changed it up, and bring to you a sordid tale of violent furries and tiny, tiny… er….. dancers?

Joe:
Tiny people VS weird men in costumes is a film far beyond our ability to review. After many hours of meditation and some kinky sex games, we finally sat down to watch this thing together. I must say this movie features an all star cast and the acting is excellent, with the exception of Ron Jeremy, who is for all intents and purposes, a giant cock. The plot in this movie leaves much to be desired and is mostly just there to move from one instance of Gary Coleman being violent to the next.

Having said this, it is an excellent movie that is sure to not disappoint. The antics of the Sherrif and many of the midgets are not to be denied, they would not be out of place at the Royal Albert Theatre or at some kind of intergalatic trial debating the worth of humanity before we were EX-TERM-I-NATED (get it, Doctor who references are so in this season!). I find I quite enjoyed watching a midget try to rape another one of their deformed sub race, it reminded me of last Thursday when I tried to do the same thing to Sarah, we found this extremely difficult because neither of us are midgets, so midget rape may not have been the best wedding gift in hind sight. I would recommend this movie to people who want to watch a movie involving Midgets and Mascots, it is well made, contains some minor incest and many many midgets. I give this movie 5 out of ten, I would give it ten out of 10 but that would imply humanity is worth saving and quite frankly, I don’t think you are.

Sarah:
This movie has midgets and it has mascots. I’m pretty sure the midget the movie sort of centered on was the creepy guy from Twin Peaks, but I second guess that a bit, because that was a long time ago, and I feel like he would have aged a lot more since then. If I actually cared, I’d look it up, but I don’t. In this movie a competition is taking place in which the games are grossly favorable to the mascots side, as there is just no way that the midgets’ very tiny bodies could accomplish the tasks required to score.

As Joe mentioned, it also has a lot of Gary Coleman being Gary Coleman. He basically got paid to just do and say what he’d normally do/say, and have it filmed. I doubt he even knew what the movie was about or read a script, they just stuck him in the scenes and told them to “be himself”. Throughout the movie, the viewer is taken on a beautiful journey, and given the chance to see a lovely relationship blossom between a very small, but weirdly shaped neurotic woman, and a Chinese immigrant homesick for the family he left behind in order to work for a porn star guy that has lots of money and creepy sex. By the end of the film, you’re left having to ask yourself some hard questions. Things like “why did I watch this”, and “what kind of person am I for having downloaded this movie”, and lastly “where does this rank on the creepy scale when compared to dicks being chicken-pecked, guys getting eaten by their cats, and pus bubbles that come to life to fuck your wife”. You’re going to have to look yourself in the mirror and figure out those answers for yourself. Oh yeah, I give this movie four out of ten space bears, just because.

Also, new mp3 of the moment up over yonder —->

Also, also… A plethora of new Spacehax videos are up, this being the latest of the bunch. Come be space friends with us.

Your ass is looser than that slapper from Sex and the City.

Tuesday, July 12th, 2011

Joe:
Last week myself and Sarah were too busy taking drugs and watching Christian educational puppet based TV to review a movie from some dead end soviet country. So instead you get a double review this week of Crank and Crank : High voltage. I liked the bit where there was violence and people wearing rubber masks. I found it disappointing they didn’t combine the sex scenes with this scene because I would very much enjoy seeing two grown men wearing giant masks of their own faces having sex among a scale model of a power station, while some bimbo flashes her muff at the camera. I would recommend this movie to no one, because you unwashed dick holes don’t even let us know you’re reading our reviews, so like the ungrateful lesbian that I am, I’m throwing a hissy fit, no one is giving me complements or feedback on my clearly terrible life choices and blame all men for everything including my incestuous origins and all criminal charges relating.

Sarah:
There was a part with a fancy elevator; I wish my room had the same walls as the elevator. Things are getting a little Twin Peaksy up in this movie, which I completely approve of, except there’s no midget in a red suit. Ironically enough, this movie was hard for me to watch because of how drugged I am, and how much the druggedness was affecting my ability to keep my eyeballs open. This guy’s girlfriend is an annoying slutbag, she’s overly stupid, what’s the point? The noise of his wet, sloshy eyeballs blinking in the first minute of the second movie is sort of gross, because it makes me think of weird, nasty things like his eyeball being made of something mushy, like sort of a jell-o eye, or a ground raw meat eye, that gets squished when he blinks. This movie also has a helicopter.

PS
If you’re a video game aficionado, check out SpaceHax, our latest endeavor. Cheers!