Archive for the ‘moviesargh’ Category

Rick on the Rock!


OldRockySo, starting last night, I decided to sit down and watch the entire “Rocky” anthology, starring Sly Stallone as Rocky Balboa “The Italian Stallion.” I haven’t watched these movies in MANY years. My dad was a huge fan, so therefore, growing up, I was also a huge fan. One of few items of his I received after he passed away (my POS stepmother butt-fucked me and my sister out of everything else, and hopefully, she gets catapulted into the Fukushima power plant cunt first) was his “Rocky” anthology. I recently realized that I’ve never seen the 6th one, so before I sit down and watch that (which I do not have high hopes for), I have decided to rewatch the first five movies…in doing so, I realized a few things:

Firstly, Rocky 1 is a GREAT movie. Say what you will about Stallone’s acting abilities, but he BECOMES Rocky Balboa in that movie, and that is why the first one is great. It’s gritty, low budget, easy to relate to, and full of heart. It even feels like the cast is enjoying being a part of that film. On a side note, I also realized that Mickey Avalon looks exactly like Rocky in the 70’s and that Yolandi Visser from Die Antwoord looks just like Adrian, except I’d much rather fuck Yolandi…not important, just an observation. But that movie captures the essence of a good person trapped in an unfair situation doing whatever he has to do to survive. He’s a really nice guy who is working for a loan shark and hustling motherfuckers for money because he doesn’t have a high IQ and basically has no choice. I like that. I like good people who do bad things. It adds something irking to the tale. But then, opportunity knocks, and it truly becomes a great story about legitimately pouring your soul into an endeavor and overcoming all odds in the end. What makes it even better (spoiler alert for the slouching FAR behinders) is that Rocky loses the fight in the first movie, yet manages to emerge as a different kind of winner. Awesome!

Then I watched Rocky II. It seems my youth deceived me because number 2 is exactly that: A huge piece of tumbling steaming shit on the chest of the movie industry that never stops happening. It is a Steaming Cleveland combined with a Turkish Earthquake, meaning you’re just falling down the stairs with another person who was squatting over you, who you just blew, mind you, and now, that dude is just spraying shit in the air, and you’ve got diarrhea in your chest hair, not to mention a mouthful of cum, and now THAT’S spewing all over both of you because you’re screaming, while the other dude’s recently serviced dick, which is spittling like grandpa babbling with skewed dentures right in your face, is just flopping in the breeze like the business end of bingo arms. In other words, it is not a good movie. For starters, the writing is awful, and the lines are delivered as if by people who are trying to act instead of actually acting. Bored porn stars with their clitorises removed do a better job. There are so many cringe-worthy lines it’s actually hard to watch. That said, I realize that many movie sequels back then fell victim to the movie studios’ belief that the franchise name would sell the film, and they wouldn’t have to try very hard. See Teen Wolf 2 for another example of this. That doesn’t seem to happen so much anymore, however. It seems that sequels come out now to destroy their predecessors, with the exception of Boondock Saints II, which is such a piece of shit that during the first five minutes, I wondered who set out to destroy that movie franchise on purpose. I’m a huge Boondock Saints fan, and it saddens me to see how many other Boondock Saints fans are in complete denial about the second movie.  I’ve never seen the end of Boondock Saints II because I’d rather chop off my own dick than sit through that movie to its fucking poorly written, poorly acted end. Someday, I’ll eat a bunch of pills and try to slog through it like a champ in order to validate my opinion.

AND, to bring it full circle…I think that’s what happened with Rocky II. I think people at the time loved the first Rocky movie so much that they were willing to completely look past the fact that it was awful. Even the New York Post raved about it like it was some sort of Hollywood achievement (which goes to show who owns what and who’s pulling what strings). Eighty percent of that movie is Stallone walking around acting like someone thinks Rocky Balboa acts with his new found wealth, blowing his money on bullshit while his wife looks at him disapprovingly whilst simultaneously having no qualms about wearing fur coats and diamonds and shit. Hey, look, alright, I understand that the series is about the life of a man who comes from the streets and hurdles to fame and fortune over night, but there was certainly a way it could have been done that required at least some decent writing, acting, and perhaps some real action…and by action, I don’t even necessarily mean violence, though some more believable boxing scenes would have been a treat…just more than a bunch of nothingness, as we follow an idiot around the city and watch him buy cars and clothes. And for fuck sake…beat the fuck out of Pauly or just give the guy a fucking job! What’s with the song and dance?! You’re fucking the guy’s sister, he’s letting you train on his meat, so throw the fucker a bone, which I know he does…but WTF is the hold up about?! The only guy who remains consistent through the series was Mick. Mick is awesome…end of story.

Today, I began Rocky III, and even after watching only the first half hour which includes Hulk Hogan as “Thunderlips: The Ultimate Male”. I absolutely still love this movie. It recaptures everything; there are great scenes, great lines, and it captures that need to climb to the top as the first one did. Not to mention, both the plot and Mr. T are fucking awesome. Mr. T is like an angry rabid badger in that movie, and it’s so visceral, you may actually worry he’s going to climb out of the television and eat your wife. AND…there is a message that remains RESPECTFULLY intact: Never forget where you come from and watch your ego because there is always a hungry motherfucker out there in the shadows ready to take your shit from you no matter how tough you think you are.

Perhaps Boondock Saints NEEDS a third movie for some god damn redemption. Please for the love of all things fucked, someone redeem that franchise! It’s not good when a movie makes me want to get drunk and shoot my fucking T.V.

Rocky rant part 2 is coming soon my pretties.

Gee golly whiz, jeepers peanutbutter fiddle dee diskers, mister…


We’re back like a renegade master, rapping with the best of them and trampling the rest of them. Today we’re reviewing an episode of The Twilight Zone, I don’t really know why but it’s this or Sarah watching more Are you afraid of the dark and she gave up on that shit long ago. I found this episode to be quite spiffy, the usage of a black and white camera and lots of hair gel made it feel like it really was made in the 50s where people thought comics were worth a damn and they didn’t reboot the universe because they fucked it up and retconned everything 83 times each month. There are no alien penises and quite frankly I just wanted to write a cool intro and pretend I was black, so insert your own review here because I just wasted your time reading all this shit and you can just go watch the episode (complete with 2 minute Australian intro and 2 commercial breaks) on youtube by following the link above. Enjoy your evening folks and keep watching the skies (but not at night because that makes you an alien… Asshole)

You are meant to watch this and think about how quick humans are to cause chaos and panic in situations where acting patiently and rationally are clearly the best options. Since this was made in the ’50’s, there weren’t too many examples of people actually ever doing that, since we’re talking about a time period where kids were being taught that hiding under their school desks would save them from bombs dropping. The episode we watched also had Australian commercials in it, and nothing is more irrational and mind-boggling as those thing are, so it was a good match all around. Seeming as how decades have gone by since this came out, we are basically just meant to look back at it at this point and shake our heads in disgust because we have become these people to such a ridiculous degree, that the episode characters seem harmless and silly in comparison, even if they are shooting their neighbors while getting drunk in Hawaiian shirts and slicked back 50’s hair cuts.

and the week of reviews continues…


…with two (very) short films that you can watch now by clicking the banners below:

This week we are breaking all the rules, like some kind of rule breaking bad asses! Not only are we reviewing two movies but they are also good films! I know everyone just likes to see us suffer but fuck you and your whale impregnation stories! Oktapodi is an animated short about 2 OCTOPUSES that get get seperated and have to go on a long car chase to save each other. The animation is excellent and the music fits nicely. It is an enjoyable 2 minute romp looking at the world of Octopi love not involving Japanese women’s vaginas. I recommend this movie to adults who enjoy bright colours and being reminded of Devil may cry 2, Counter strike and Half life 2.

I love OCTOPI, and super colorful awesome ones in love are even better. I will also take this opportunity to point out that I refuse to pluralize octopus as “octopuses”, it will always be “octopi” to me, even though, if we want to get very technical, the absolutely, one hundred percent grammatically correct way of pluralizing the word is octopodes. So put that in your pipes and smoke it, just make sure that when you do, you do it outside, because smoked octopus doesn’t smell very good, so it’s better if you do it where there’s a light breeze that can carry the stink over to your neighbor’s house. Also, this movie was awesome, clearly the best we’ve seen in quite a long while, too bad it wasn’t longer. I hope I have dream about this and no more nightmares about the ninja turtles.

CL!CK: A LEGO short film may have the title of a 12 year old script kiddy but is the perfect stop motion movie. It tells an excellent story about an eccentric man trying to discover human flight, brilliantly capturing the excitement of both lego and science, even touching on the child like wonderment of discovering new things. I would recommend this movie to everyone who isn’t a paedophile or an asshole, they don’t deserve this kind of movie. Which is probably why tomorrow we will be back to reviewing bullshit like Terror Toons instead of miniature master pieces of mustache untwirling goodness like this.

I’ve never played with/owned LEGO in my life, and for some reason it seems like I’m completely obsessed with them. I think I visit their website for one reason or another at least once a week, I want the god damned mechanical LEGO AT-AT so bad my eyeballs will one day explode from the desire that will never be fulfilled, and can’t really seem to get enough shitty LEGO shows/episodes/random stuff they come out with in game/show/whatever form on their site and television (also known as the internets). So with that being said, this movie basically encompasses the awesomeness that is LEGO mixed with the *magic* of imagination and creativity. Basically, it’s something you’d never imagine we’d actually review because everything we watch is shit, but hey, surprise surprise.

fuck. this.


I hated this movie so much that it literally made me angry the longer I watched it. This is the kind of shit that happens when people in California are so desperate to be famous they’ll jump in front of any camera pointed at them. The little girl is played by a woman with giant fake tits, and apparently that’s okay too, because hey, nothing creepy or wrong with someone pretending they’re around six years old and being the film’s token slut, as long as they’re all grown up and can afford their very own plastic tits. Here is my review of this piece of shit, pick one thing from each of the lists, whatever your result is, that is infinitely better than this movie. The end.

This film is brain ticklingly shit. Even the whores only there to get their tits out are men cross dressing. If this is the quality of Youtube movies, I’m glad I’m only watching the Nigerian porn films on there.

Jesus invented the balloon…


Anddddddddd the week of reviews continues DUN Dun dunnn…

Today we watched an excellent documentary by Louis Theroux, who was working for the BBC television network. As a Christmas special Louie collected together three people from past episodes and tried to get them to know each other better. One is a smarmy porn star (who I’ve never seen in porn), one is a right wing Christian who tries to seduce people into Christianity with bumper stickers and balloons and the final person is a weird homeless mountain guy who needs to cut his goddamn beard. Over the course of the episode they goto a porn shoot, a recording session and launch some balloons away from New York in attempt to convert New Yorkers to Christianity. Louie performs up to par as always and delivers a strong and (boob) touching documentary. I especially enjoyed the part where they contacted an alien time traveling radio signal to help guide them towards a better life, it was a beautiful scene that really filled me with the spirit of Christmas and much joy. I would encourage everyone to watch this and every other documentary Louie has made, it’s a better use or your time than Spookymeat or my website. Merry Christmas everyone!

Spookymeat has always been the number one place to go for Christmas, so this year we are celebrating with the best, most christmassy of all christmas anythings ever. I suggest watching this one, and then all the other “Weird Weekend” episodes as well, over and over, because they’re ten times better than any of the other crap we review, and probably the only thing we will ever review that doesn’t risk making people suicidal after having seen it, or giving them weird dreams about puppets eating bacon women that have chicken-pecked penis issues, and sock worms infesting their cat-mutilated ninja turtle intestines. So, why is this the greatest Christmas anything ever, you ask? (Okay, you didn’t really ask that, I guess, but you’re getting an answer anyway) A grizzled hippie falls in love with a singing hooker, a guy channels an alien from a parallel universe who also happens to be god (*cough sputter sputter* THIS IZZZZZ CENTRAAALLL CONTROLLLL *snort snort* THISSS IZZZZ CENTRALLL CONTROLLLLL), and a guy that spreads the word of our lord and savior by way of balloons with phone numbers to his voice mail on it (wanna go to heaven: CALL 1-800-252-LORD), and last, certainly least, (because he’s a whiny cock bag spoiled little bitch) is a porn star guy that doesn’t really belong there, but I think is just because his stupid, stuck up, bullshit attitude is amusing when he doesn’t get his way, and cries like a bitch. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

something about balls…


Our week of reviews continues with a lovely little animated whosiwhatsit from the early 90’s. And you don’t even have to download it, you can watch it on youtube by clicking the banner. So go watch it, you filthy drug addict.

Pig Fucker Joe:
Welcome back to Sarah’s haunted meat hole. Today we watched an anti-drug propaganda movie staring cartoon characters from the early 90s. I don’t even know where to start with this movie, it involved talking ducks, an alien, a ghost and a turtle telling people not to do drugs. But surely if smoking pot makes all your toys come to life like it’s toy story, ever kids doing to be wanting some push……. I cannot continue this review, I have a full size Miss Piggy in a bikini statue in my bed and a bag of pot to smoke. Wish me luck, I’m going balls deep in bacon flavoured snatch! 4/7 rim jobs.

[Something Derogatory] Sarah:
This was a really long animated acid trip about a kid who sees early 90’s pop culture icons when he does coke in the back room of arcades with his crack addict buddies. It’s important to note that according to this film, smoking pot poses harsher risks than walking knee deep in raw sewage with giant talking turtles. At some point Tigger gets into the angeldust (like always), and we don’t really see him again until the end, when he turns up looking for more, and it really is a surprise to nobody that Garfield spends the entire film high and craving lasagna. Overall I’d say that the characters warning about drug use all show clear signs of being drug addicts. I’d recommend this to anyone wanting to know what types of drugs their children’s toys are taking. It’s an eye-opener.

Fetus: Now in 4D


Oh shit! Two reviews in 2 days, it’s like a Russian orgy up in this bitch! As a long term Kamen Rider fan I have been looking forward to this movie for a long time and had absolutely no hope for it at all. Kamen Rider Shin is a grass hopper man with glowing nipples who impregnates people via swimming pools. He fights some crimes and rides some helicopters. Shin’s story starts with him losing the ability to be a RRROOOAADDDDD RRAACCEEERRR and he starts to get headaches, then has a fight with that dude from Judge Dread, after a brief bout of fisticuffs stuff happens and then more fisticuffs commence over the corpse of a pregnant 12 year old. Shin wins and the movie ends with his nipples glowing to bring her back to life. I can’t say anything more about this movie because I’ve already spoiled the entire plot. I recommend this movie to people who like opening .exe files and can’t wait for the sequel!

This movie had the feel of a bad 1970’s porn full of Australians, but that were Japanese. Overall it was terrible, and also pretty disgusting. There’s one guy whose face is just so hideously misshapen it’s hard to look at him properly. I mean, no matter how you look at him, it always feels like it’s not from the correct angle, and you realize it’s because he has bulges in his head that are not really symmetrical so it makes it seem like everything about him is uneven. Like, did you ever meet someone and notice one of their eyes is slightly lower than the other, and then no matter how much you try, you can’t stop noticing it? Or when a girl has one boob that is massively larger than the other, and you wonder if she knows how noticeable it is? Then you keep staring, and you don’t even really mean to, but you keep thinking about it so you have to keep checking to make sure that what you see still connects to all the fucked up thoughts you’re having about the deformities, and you’re not just starting to let your mind run away with itself, and making things up that aren’t based on the cold hard facts? Well, you don’t have to worry about that last one in this movie, anyway, because there were no boobs in this movie, at all. There were deformed faces, though, so keep an eye out for that.

my eyeballs can’t even focus anymore…


HEY GUYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS, it’s meeeeeeeeee, Sarahhhhhhhhh, totally here with another review, a week late, and chock full of mutants. Are you people LISTENING???

Welcome back to the shitfest that is Spookyhamsandwich’s movie reviews. Today we are reviewing a French film by the name of Nescafe Gold blend. This is an advertisement about deformed people doing palour tricks while molemen plot to steal their chicken feed. The plot makes no sense, but it has mole people, French asians and a sense of justice only matched by men crossdressing in spandex and standing in a line with fireworks exploding behind them. I would recommend you take your coffee with milk, 2 sugars and some biscuits. Rich tea is always a standard issue biscuit and will dunk well, but I think something a bit lighter would suit this one better. Nice biscuits are quite nice and would do the job nicely. As a biscuit expert (aka I know what the word means and eat a lot of them), I would like to encourage more people to use the combo of mole people and biscuits. In fact I’m calling you retards with video cameras out, make a live action film about mole people trying to steal biscuits in a post apocalyptic world and I will buy the collector’s edition DVD. The advert also has some creepy clowns, suicide scenes, fictional mental illnesses and an elephant waving its trunk like a shemale’s cock. I give this film 2 dips of my biscuit and a little shake, then I swallow the whole mess.

This movie had some stuff in it, like panties, cannibals, and French people. It was also a love story between an almost-midget circus clown and a girl with an elongated forehead. This is the kind of movie you watch and when it’s done, you feel like you’ve missed something, even though you haven’t. That feeling starts to creep in around the time the aforementioned sewer-dwelling mole men show up, and doesn’t really end until far after the cannibal butcher throws a boomerang knife and stabs himself in the face. Overall I’d say this movie is perfect for anyone trying to convince others that playing the saw as a musical instrument is awesome. Things are starting to get sort of -outerspacey- now, so I’d better stop typing.



So we decided to do a special little review that was a little longer than the normal ones. Think of it as a season finale, and while Vampire’s Kiss should truly be the season finale for anything ever (what with being the greatest movie of all time, and all), we changed it up, and bring to you a sordid tale of violent furries and tiny, tiny… er….. dancers?

Tiny people VS weird men in costumes is a film far beyond our ability to review. After many hours of meditation and some kinky sex games, we finally sat down to watch this thing together. I must say this movie features an all star cast and the acting is excellent, with the exception of Ron Jeremy, who is for all intents and purposes, a giant cock. The plot in this movie leaves much to be desired and is mostly just there to move from one instance of Gary Coleman being violent to the next.

Having said this, it is an excellent movie that is sure to not disappoint. The antics of the Sherrif and many of the midgets are not to be denied, they would not be out of place at the Royal Albert Theatre or at some kind of intergalatic trial debating the worth of humanity before we were EX-TERM-I-NATED (get it, Doctor who references are so in this season!). I find I quite enjoyed watching a midget try to rape another one of their deformed sub race, it reminded me of last Thursday when I tried to do the same thing to Sarah, we found this extremely difficult because neither of us are midgets, so midget rape may not have been the best wedding gift in hind sight. I would recommend this movie to people who want to watch a movie involving Midgets and Mascots, it is well made, contains some minor incest and many many midgets. I give this movie 5 out of ten, I would give it ten out of 10 but that would imply humanity is worth saving and quite frankly, I don’t think you are.

This movie has midgets and it has mascots. I’m pretty sure the midget the movie sort of centered on was the creepy guy from Twin Peaks, but I second guess that a bit, because that was a long time ago, and I feel like he would have aged a lot more since then. If I actually cared, I’d look it up, but I don’t. In this movie a competition is taking place in which the games are grossly favorable to the mascots side, as there is just no way that the midgets’ very tiny bodies could accomplish the tasks required to score.

As Joe mentioned, it also has a lot of Gary Coleman being Gary Coleman. He basically got paid to just do and say what he’d normally do/say, and have it filmed. I doubt he even knew what the movie was about or read a script, they just stuck him in the scenes and told them to “be himself”. Throughout the movie, the viewer is taken on a beautiful journey, and given the chance to see a lovely relationship blossom between a very small, but weirdly shaped neurotic woman, and a Chinese immigrant homesick for the family he left behind in order to work for a porn star guy that has lots of money and creepy sex. By the end of the film, you’re left having to ask yourself some hard questions. Things like “why did I watch this”, and “what kind of person am I for having downloaded this movie”, and lastly “where does this rank on the creepy scale when compared to dicks being chicken-pecked, guys getting eaten by their cats, and pus bubbles that come to life to fuck your wife”. You’re going to have to look yourself in the mirror and figure out those answers for yourself. Oh yeah, I give this movie four out of ten space bears, just because.

Also, new mp3 of the moment up over yonder —->

Also, also… A plethora of new Spacehax videos are up, this being the latest of the bunch. Come be space friends with us.

Your ass is looser than that slapper from Sex and the City.


Last week myself and Sarah were too busy taking drugs and watching Christian educational puppet based TV to review a movie from some dead end soviet country. So instead you get a double review this week of Crank and Crank : High voltage. I liked the bit where there was violence and people wearing rubber masks. I found it disappointing they didn’t combine the sex scenes with this scene because I would very much enjoy seeing two grown men wearing giant masks of their own faces having sex among a scale model of a power station, while some bimbo flashes her muff at the camera. I would recommend this movie to no one, because you unwashed dick holes don’t even let us know you’re reading our reviews, so like the ungrateful lesbian that I am, I’m throwing a hissy fit, no one is giving me complements or feedback on my clearly terrible life choices and blame all men for everything including my incestuous origins and all criminal charges relating.

There was a part with a fancy elevator; I wish my room had the same walls as the elevator. Things are getting a little Twin Peaksy up in this movie, which I completely approve of, except there’s no midget in a red suit. Ironically enough, this movie was hard for me to watch because of how drugged I am, and how much the druggedness was affecting my ability to keep my eyeballs open. This guy’s girlfriend is an annoying slutbag, she’s overly stupid, what’s the point? The noise of his wet, sloshy eyeballs blinking in the first minute of the second movie is sort of gross, because it makes me think of weird, nasty things like his eyeball being made of something mushy, like sort of a jell-o eye, or a ground raw meat eye, that gets squished when he blinks. This movie also has a helicopter.

If you’re a video game aficionado, check out SpaceHax, our latest endeavor. Cheers!

dazzling designer cock strap and baby bonnet…


Hello people, we are a day late, and you are all squirming with anticipation. This movie needed no subtitles, unless you’re a cock who is bad with accents, in which case, you should use subtitles. Enjoy!

This is an excellent episode of Doctor Who featuring Richard E. Grant as the Doctor before he got retconned out of history. The Doctor finds himself with a new companion, a talking capitalist boil that proceeds to take over his body, fuck his wife, and then smash his balls against a large horse before the film ends. I believe the script was originally written for Nicholas Cage to take over as the Doctor, but since he was busy filming Vampire’s Kiss (the greatest movie ever), he had to turn down the role. I would not recommend this movie to any body, I would suggest watching Vampire’s Kiss instead, at Sarah’s house, as she now owns it on DVD, and wants to throw a twilight themed pool party last weekend.

This movie was about a guy who loses his shit over having bad skin. He’s not okay with meat-eating vegans, and he sure as fuck doesn’t want bald guys going without their shampoo. There’s a bit of an inner conflict that materializes in the form of anthropomorphized bubonic plague which likes to fuck, a lot. One of the things that I think will stay with me about this movie is the overuse of pastels; it’s the 80’s and they’re everywhere, but when you’re trying to pay attention to an ever-enlargening talking pus bubble, they could be a bit distracting. Especially when it’s selling you things you know you can’t live without, like cigarettes, fish fingers, and hydrogen bombs. I have to say that overall I whole-heartedly agree with Joe on this one, and suggest you go and watch Vampire’s Kiss immediately.

Dreams from the woods…


Well, well, looks like it’s Wednesday, officially one day late on the reviews, and at least three weeks before I broke my promise to you gentle, kind-hearted blood buckets. But I have a good excuse, a review wasn’t on time yesterday because I and/or Joe was busy with :insert lie here about one of us doing something really important: and couldn’t find time to finish one up. So, we brought you a super long movie to make up for it. Okay, that was also a lie, it’s really only eight minutes or so, but hey, if you click the pic, you can watch the whole damned thing. Cheers.

This is a 2 dimensional furry pornorama. After a brief encounter with a sky humping skeleton a girl is impregnated by some kind of weird space bird. At first it seems like solid wank fodder, but quickly changes as you come to recognize the music. Moments later you are flooded with the memory of your childhood encounter with Ecco the dolphin and your erection is quickly devastated as you remember how fucking creepy that little bastard is. I feel this movie is a lesson on bestiality, just because it starts with best, doesn’t mean sex with animals (even from space) is a good idea. I would recommend this movie to Sarah, because she is into that kind of thing (Bestiality, not space).

Drömmar från skogen is a Swedish movie about a bird that falls in love with a stick girl. She isn’t made of sticks, but she is handicapped and needs a stick to be mobile, not in a walking cane sort of way, but in a, needs to have inserted up her ass and pushed around, sort of way. My favorite character was the stalker bird, who cries bitter tears at the loss of his sweet cripple-fetish girlfriend, and sends her tons of weird anonymous messages online. She then meets up with death, who, not surprisingly, kills her, and we can only assume, uses her dead, floppy body as a breeding ground for his demonic skeleton sperm, I mean, it’s fairly obvious that’s what’s going on as the credits go. I basically recommend this movie to anyone who works at a pet shop, and also, likes stuff about whatever.

Monkey rapes human, evolution prevails…


Hi peoples, look, we have been dutifully updating these every Tuesday, because we care, we care about you. You slimy, dirty chicken fuckers. Sorry about the plethora of reviews with nothing in between lately, I will add more in the coming whenevers, but I am sure you were too busy downloading and watching all of these to be reading, anyway. AAaaannnddd…. here we go:

Alice is a movie about Janet Jackson and her dead animal friends. It starts with a rabbit going on a killing spree and ends with several dead pokemon. Through out the movie many corpses are violated and distorted into hideous represenations of her family members before finally they step up and cut off each other’s heads to stop the plastic surgery abuse. It raised many questions such as ‘Should one man have all that power?’ and ‘Is it okay to encase your child in a full body doll suit to keep her midget sized forever?’. I give this movie 6 out of 13 dead animals and recommend it to furry necrophiliacs.

This is Czech with English dubs, but the lips don’t sync up to either, so that’s cool. This movie is about when good puppets go bad, and how if you’re taxidermied and come back to life, it doesn’t mean you don’t have to eat your sawdust. My favorite part was when the sock caterpillar with dentures and glass eyeballs wanted to sleep and had to sew his eyes shut to do it. I recommend this mostly because I don’t feel like we should have to see all this creepy shit alone, and not necessarily because it’s good, although in this case it was. But keep in mind when it comes to judging the quality of puppets made of meat, denture wearing socks, and angry dead rabbits (with little girl voices) pulling nails out of their paws, the line between good and bad is a bit blurred.

Lost to the zone…


S.T.A.L.K.E.R. is an interactive entertainment extravaganza, based on the amazing novel by some Russian cock with a drinking problem. You start the experience watching a brief sequence where a large truck is run off the road and a man named Strelok is sent to kill himself because of a fuck up by Science. Strelok then proceeds to spend 20 hours figuring this out by which point he has already entered the nuclear reactor of Chernobyl NPP so killing himself is pointless. Along the way he meets many people and viciously murders them to take their belongings. I would recommend you have a reasonably good PC to watch this action packed multimedia package and use at least a 2 button mouse to interact with it. I would not recommend masturbating to pictures of your girlfriend wearing a gas mask and pouring vodka down her ugly saggy tits. This interactive internet solution package receives 9 out of 4 hardcores. Love to the S.T.A.L.K.E.R. massive, you guys are so hardcore I added an extra line for you. (That’s a cocaine joke, it makes me seem cooler than my white middle class roots would imply skanks).

Some guys want wishes granted, but I don’t remember what they want, so let’s just say guy1 wants a mansion made of golden pineapples and guy2 wants a dick that can suck itself. The keymaster knows where the wish granter is, and brings them there, but then thinks nobody should get wishes granted and wants to blow it all up, but the people who want the wishes granted decide they will just sit outside wish granter and not bother with it even though there’s no reason for them to change their mind. Keymaster is seriously fucking depressed about life and shit like that and then at some point they lie in a field and trip on crazy Russian drugs for the majority of the film. I don’t think you should watch this movie, but I feel like you need to see it anyway.

What we do when we haven’t been raptured…


This is a film about clown rape and having hands. There was a solid midget to run time ratio and I would recommend this film to any one interested in carpentry and scoober diving. I think Christians may want to avoid this since in one scene a bunch of down syndromes on crack tried to give Jesus (while dressed as a ghos buster) their revolting disease, but he appeared to pull through it okay. I think this movie is best suited to being watched as a family, the morales and orgasms it gives are only suitable for people sharing a room with their parents and siblings. I disapprove of this movie being shot in English, I think black lingo thing is by far a superior tounge to use when raping and murdering white women.

I think this movie was meant to be deep, which I could either figure out or totally make up. I’ll let you figure out which I went with (it’ll surprise you). This is about a man’s soul crying out over the loss of his mother (‘s arms), and being haunted by the knowledge he couldn’t stop it, and also his circus father fucking the tattooed lady man thing. He wants to make shadow puppets with the mute deaf girl, who’s like the ghost of christmas present, and in the end he kisses his midget pal, but midget pal didn’t want to be kissed, and waves goodbye before fading into the nothingness that is his shattered life. Also, there’s a mental institution where Jesus lives in a tree, surrounded by people that have Down Syndrome. Highly recommended for your “perfect romantic comedy” list.

Click the banner above to dl and join our miserable little movie club. Have a suggestion for something you’d like us to watch, hate, and regret seeing? Let us know, cockrags. Cheers.

HEY, LISTEN!!! It’s a new Smeat section…


Hey guess what, jerks? Give up? Of course you do, losers. New Spookymeat section is coming and this is the first round. Every Tuesday from now until I break my promise, me and new writer, Joe (bio in the about section forthcoming), will be reviewing one terrible, disturbing foreign movie for your stupid pleasure. One paragraph, and one picture each. We’ll also link to a place to get the movie, in case you feel like being tortured (click the pic below). (we’ll think of a name for this section soon, like, as soon as my brain stops being explodey)

I have no idea what the plot of this movie was. It made no sense and I didn’t read half the subtitles, because I was too disturbed watching a guy fuck a saddle of pork, puke covered manboobs jiggling and a chicken attack a penis. I thought the chicken had the right idea and I would be on his side should a war break out. I would recommend this movie only if you are disturbed, turned on by ugly men fucking wooden buildings or are one of those really sick fucks into Russian BBW porn. Some dude dies at the end and it makes you stare at his penis for an entire minute. I timed this… I wish the chicken had returned to peck the shit out of that one too.

This movie was about a lot of things, unforunately I’m not sure what any of those things were. But I know one thing, there were lots of cock. Cocks and meat fucking and some other stuff with a guy that sewed himself into his father’s dead carcass. Lucky for you, you get to see some contraption in which a guy chops his own stupid head off, because apparently, his art is his life, or death, or some crap. Also, people like to eat a lot in this movie, like, massive, horrifying amounts of disgusting crap that will make you swear off food for life, which is ironic, because you all know that Hungarians are starving, poor bastards that can’t afford rooms full of potatoes and chocolate bars. Cheers! *pukes*