Archive for 06/21/2016

You do whatever you want, all the time, we’ll just work around you…

06/21/2016
Did you hear? Free cutlery, we can cut our own balls off, Jeff!

Did you hear? Free cutlery, we can cut our own balls off, Jeff!

Today I had to take a trip to the dark, stinking pits of human waste that is Wal-Mart.  First, when did going to this place on a Monday afternoon become the equivalent of going to the mall on Christmas Eve? Holy fuck!  Why are there so many handicapped spots here?  I actually am handicapped, and I can tell you, this is the only store I have ever been to where half the lot is for cripples. And they’re all, always, full.

I am actually astounded at the absolute lack of both self-awareness and awareness of their surroundings that the general public seem to have.  Essentially, there is a serious lack of any sense of reality whatsoever. Today, while in the overflowing waste-receptacle that is Wal-Mart, an announcement came over the speaker letting everyone know they would be giving away free kitchen-ware to all adult shoppers, right now at the end of aisle eight.  I happened to be passing by aforementioned aisle just moments later, to a drove of slobbering people laughing at some ad-pitch by an overly-enthusiastic Wal-Mart worker in his mid-twenties with nothing left to lose.

First, I am not one to believe anything announced over the intercom, in the largest cesspool of human garbage, is -actually- going to be free.  There’s always a catch, there’s always that something extra. Listen to a guy try to tell you why your life is incomplete without the FULL set of multicolored ceramic kitchen knives? Yeah, sure, that’s worth nine dollars and ninety-seven cents of my life.  Or at least that’s what they’re hoping for.  And they’d be right to hope, because the end of aisle eight was chock-full of eager shoppers just dripping to get their ham-steaky hands wrapped around their free-to-all-adult-shoppers kitchenware.  Think of all the clever new things you can do with your canned vienna sausage links once you no longer have to bite them into tinier pieces for your guests.  You can slice and dice until your clearance panties are full to the brim with the excretions of your domesticated satisfaction.

Try our delicious pumpkin spice vienna sausages!

Try our delicious pumpkin spice vienna sausages!

I saw a clearance cart, it was selling the same heap of pumpkin-spice rigamarole that I saw on a clearance rack about ten months earlier.  It was still there, still on clearance. Pumpkin spice muffin mix, pumpkin spice cakes, pumpkin spice bullshit.  On one hand, it is hard to imagine boxes upon boxes of artificially flavored pumpkin-like substances sitting in a clearance section for a week, let alone nearly a year.  But on the other hand, looking around, you see a lot of vacant stares.  A lot of dead-eyed, hopeless brick-walls of society, filling the endless pit of their gluttony with diaper cream, weird adult footie-pajamas, and free kitchenware from the end of aisle eight. It would be hard to break out of the every day fog of oblivious stupor clouding the minds, and vision, of the public, long enough for an expired nuclear sponge cake to grab their attention.

That’s why they need those over-enthusiastic twenty somethings.  Those blue-vested bastions of the unkempt. Those whose goofy, yet innocent, ramblings can ring out louder than the constant low hum, droning forth from the open maws of the onlookers.  They need the herding-call. The siren-like flashing of the alert light, the beeping of the speaker before good ole’ Gary’s voice takes over the announcements to tell you all about the great deals going on right now, on pumpkin spice crap of all kinds, at the end of aisle eight!

Even in the seemingly self-contained inner world of your own personal shopping experience, you are being herded.  Steer your rascal on over to aisle eight for free bullshit, hey, we have great deals on scab cream in section 2-B, go check it out.  You can see the invisible lines and patterns like ants following a trail of crumbs.  It’s better to stay home, order your shit online (with your ad-blocker on), and have your own original thoughts not tarnished by the ever-growing insanity one must build as a defense against the monotonous encounters with the status quo.  Ask yourself.  Have you ever really found anything worth breaking away a piece of your dignity over, at the end of aisle eight?