“You’re the man of the house, now”…

…and other meaningless titles that make you feel important.

Best use of pink and violet tie-dye 1992.

Best use of pink and violet tie-dye 1992.

As this world is increasingly infested with the offspring of millions of vain, lonely, people, it is easy to feel lost in the slobbering, brain-dead crowd.  The world has come up with ways of placing a nice, novelty band-aid of your choice, over the issue by way of useless trophies, “everyone’s a winner” rhetoric, and titles that mean nothing to anybody, but give you a good ole’ psychological hand job.

As the world gets increasingly dumber (and, it is), meaningless accolades must be handed over in droves in order to ensure complacency amongst the cattle-herd.  I know your Hanes 10 for 20$ panties got all juiced-over the day you got to see your miserable smile plastered across an “employee of the month” sign in the break room.  We get it, you like attention. All the pitiful humans and their constant, undying need for attention.  We hoard imaginary pats on the backs from strangers over the internet, obsessively.  You live in a giant, virtual trophy room. Just miles of useless, Party Fair trophies with mentions of bits of your pitiful existence strewn across them.   Oh, hey, there’s that “Best smile in town” trophy you’ve had since you were four years old. All these things matter to you, on some insane psychological level, this shit MATTERS. To. You.

It’s weird how easily people fall in line with the idea of being rewarded with positive attention. That, in itself isn’t the weird part, that is the perfectly normal part. The weird part comes in when, every day, seemingly normal human beings crave the positive attention they no longer have to the point where they no longer have the ability to discern from -actual- positive attention for a valuable or appreciated thing-you-do, and just another “everybody’s a winner” gold coin.

I blame this shit on the “no child left behind” bullshit that caused everyone to run into a panic over the  idea that some people are just better at certain things than others are.  Our overly-sensitive culture has procured whining babies who cry when they’re not getting enough candy as the next guy.  And because of this “trigger warning” mentality of the populous, we’re stuck having to affix a gold star sticker to every haphazardly put-together shit tard in the neighborhood.

Don’t be one of those people, internet folks.  Rise above the screaming mediocrity that is being celebrated by the masses.  Take your gold stickers and burn them. Crush your employee of the century framed gold plaque and make a mosaic portrait of your boss with smallpox lesions all over their face.  Whatever, just stop being one of them. Be offensive for offense’s sake.  Why? Because if we don’t pick this whining bitch of a world up out of its crib, we are all doomed to a life of censored Wal-mart cds and trigger warnings on the cover of every single thing you once held dear.

Cheers!

-Sarah