The Tale of The d… wait… no…

Season 1 Episode 11

The Tale of The Dark Music

Here I am, and here you are. A weird turn of events, for sure, but let us look past that. I am here to tell you the tale of the tale of the dark music. For that is the next in our traipsing through the cinematic majesty that is are you afraid of the dark. shall we begin…

That kid always wears big dirty sweaters. He looks like rat. He has rat teeth. Sit down Frank, don’t be strange! Yeah don’t be strange Frank, be normal like these piss ass sack mongers.


dude has a paper route, i feel like there are a lot of people with paper routes on this show, I wonder what’s in store for season two. maybe by then kids are all delivering future shit on space skateboards.

Well shit, we’ve seen this already in some previously inebriated state of being.  Let’s try that again…


Season 01 Episode 12!!!!!!!11!!!!1!1111!!!!!

The Tale of The Prom Queen

Ughhh here we go again, way sooner than frankly, anyone was hoping for. Yadda yadda yadda… some kids talking… the show is trying to be creepy, annnnnd go…

This kid looks like someone pissed on his sandwich. He looks like someone took the distort tool and smudged his face downwards in Photoshop but in  real life, instead.  If any kid tried to act like these kids do, with any sort of interest in anything, or intellectual curiosity, they’d be shot dead. Then fucked in the ass by something stupid, like a biology textbook, then splattered all over YouTube.

Anyway, here is the tale of the fuking prom queen.

Chick in a cemetery, that cemetery looks really familiar, I think I live by there. I wonder if this is just some  meandering cemetery stock footage. There are just hundreds of hours of footage of panning cemetery hosts. This goes on so fucking long. We get it, you’re in a fucking cemetery.

There is A LOT of this.

There is A LOT of this.

This guy looks like a Hispanic, tap-dancing cruise ship director. His eyebrows have a personality all their own.  I like how they just assume she is in a cemetery looking for ghosts. I don’t know, maybe shes there to fucking go to a grave? Or maybe fuck her dead mother, I don’t fucking care.

Oooooh the prom queen story blahblah it was foggy, she got hit by a car, she was a squished banana.  He says -burry-, not bury. Like burr-ree. Who the fuck pronounces it like that? It makes me hate him and his hair even more.  What the fuck is it with how he pronounces shit? ugh.

I hate how he tries to look mysterious by looking up with his head tilted down. Why do teenagers always think that makes them look threatening and interesting?  This kid looks like he would be in a 1980s Wrigley gum commercial. holy shit. his hair always looks like it is blowing back in the wind, even with no wind.  It’s mesmerizing. I think there is probably just as much stock footage of door knobs turning creepily as there are wide panning shots of cemeteries.  His eyebrows mean business.

SOMEONE IS LURKING IN THE SHADOWS! I wonder if it’s someone hidden in his eyebrows. I think the chick wants to fuck the dude that isn’t the dude that wants to fuck her.  She seems all hard-up to impress him.  The dude that’s into her keeps trying to talk and she just fucks off like an oblivious twat. Now she’s back to sucking the other dude’s weird dick again.

Check these bitchin brows out, foxy ladies.

Check these bitchin brows out, foxy ladies.

Where the fuck did some jacked-up kids get a fucking boat? They just happen to have a row boat just there conveniently for them to have their water séance. Why would you call a ghost that got in a car accident back by doing it sitting in the middle of a lake? I might not know the rules to this insane bullshit, but i feel like doing it on water would have felt counterproductive to people who actually believe in this kind of horse cum.

Oooh bubbles in the dark water, better get your random-ass boat out of there, kids.  It could have been wah wah wah no ghost blah blah blah. Man, people sure are pussies over ghosts. Think about how many more dead people there are than alive people If ghosts were a thing, and they were evil nightmare monsters, wouldn’t the sheer number of them, alone, be enough to have annihilated us, all?  Not just float around in hallways, opening and closing kitchen cabinets for funsies.

Wow, didn’t they save anything at all in the budget for this ghost costume. Jesus this is terrible, it just looks like someone with a table cloth draped on them. Oh good, it wasn’t real. It was just a goof. Duuurrr.The fifties ghost man is here now, furrealllsss, and the girl is suddenly transformed into a Disney princess. SO WAIT…. the ghost had a séance in order to call a ghost to her she couldn’t get to before even though she held the fucking séance essentially by herself while they just gawked with their dumb teenage mouth agape and stupid.
Now the float away into the ghost world of the fifties where she can get pregnant after he goes off in the navy, and she goes to an all girl’s school for whores and miscreants. hey it’s over.

It’s IAMRICKSEE’s turn now:

I have been drinking these Cony Island hard Root Beers for two straight hours…so, in my opinion, I’m prepared to begin another review of Are You Afraid of the Dark? This show is more painful than what I imagine being a parent must feel like. Ok..spooky skateboards in the attic…let’s get this “show” on the road!

This dork always has his dumb fuck face sticking out. And now there is some anger amongst the sweater wearing fucktards of the 90’s. I seriously want to spork my dick off when I see what these dudes wore in the 90’s. Now, this one kid is talking like he is “disabled” or whatever the fuck. Oh yeah…this has something to do with music. Probably a bunch of dudes farting and a bunch of chicks blowing air out of their twats. No big deal. Ok… I just had to stop to really examine the screen for a minute. Wait…I’ve seen this one already and I’m sure as shit NOT doing THIS again.


Ok…so now we are starting the “right” one! I hope, anyway, because we can’t get this time back. Ah…root beer…the way grandpa INTENDED! Sarah is now putting on the correct episode. I don’t know what number it is and now I know the title even though I did not ask…it is called The Tale of the Prom Queen…or is it “Tail?” Here we go. I got my junk strapped in tight like it got caught in a mousetrap, and I’m ready to set FIRE to this shit.

And the match is lit…because this whole thing stinks! Spooky white linens in the woods…this must take place in the south. These kids are just quiet around the fire. No cell phones….just dicking around. I don’t know what to call that haircut. It’s just 90’s dude, lesbian, combed down the middle cut. Ok, so the ghost is evidently here. Oh, it’s one of these idiots all dressed up to tell a spooky story. I’m titillated. The dork kid just through some epsom salt into the fire. That is all that happened and now there is a graveyard in broad daylight. OMG…why the fuck…that ponytail is one to be reckoned with if I do say so myself. But let’s be clear here…there is nothing spooky about a graveyard in the day. Except for this chick’s choice of clothes. There was a shocking moment with an explosion of birds and NOW a rapist! And another one. Wait…no…that guy just said “goof.” Guys who use that word don’t usually hurt people. But they are bitches usually. And you’d never see a young chick these days just chatting it up with guys in the graveyard she just met these days, unless she plans to be murdered out there. #amirite.

Anyway, all this talk of the prom is making me thirsty. Ok…so some bitch got hit by a car, according to the acne twins here. I think he’s making this shit up to make that ponytailed chick with the crazy eyebrows moist. The acting here is making me sick. Now, they’re all caring and shit and she’s just gonna go with these guys to dig up a grave. Someone is getting fucked. Where is the old dude!? I know there’s an old dude. There ALWAYS an old dude in these shows in some inexplicable relationship with a bunch of teenagers. Ha! That bitch just said they should go to the police! NO ONE says THAT anymore! The 90’s were cute!

Holy shit! They are looking for information in a library. You know…literally nothing at all has happened. This show is worse than accidentally cumming in your own mouth. With AIDS! What is with these dudes on tv back then who all have that stupid Spicoli look? OK! HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE! Old chick just showed up. I FUCKING knew there was going to be someone old that shows up and starts fucking shit up! NEVER tuck your shirt into your jeans. I think this should also be the rule on casual Friday and during a job interview at any hipster company. Let’s just be honest. It’s wrong. Eyebrows and The Fonz here are definitely going to fuck and have annoying acne covered babies with HUGE FUCKING eyebrows. I am, admittedly, an eyebrow shamer. The MOOOON. Why are they in a fucking boat? She doesn’t even know this guy! Oh…now that annoying surfer looking white guy is getting all pussed out and this chick don’t give a fuck anymore. The film quality is very poor. Not like, the way it looks. I mean the directing and the acting and the camera angles and all that stuff. Plus, their boat is weirdly over-lit. It’s a bit…I dunno…off-putting.

So “Ricky” is wearing a red leather Michael Jackson jacket. It looks very bad. Ok, anchor, I think was eaten so hopefully they’ll all float to sea and starve to death, and we can all move on with our lives; no mourning period needed. Just pick up where we left off. The lake is farting. I don’t know why we are at the lake but guaranteed it’s cleaner than lakes now. I would not go near a lake now and I hate nature. I don’t want anything to happen bad out there, but I don’t need to be there. Anyway, I think something is happening. A ghost just threw a used tampon into a fire. I’m very certain that’s what it was. Judy Larsen. You cunt. Everywhere these fucking idiots go, it’s like, totally brightly lit and most of this takes place outside at night.

Boy…these fucking kids piss and moan a lot. Either you want to see a stupid ghost or you don’t. Nobody is making you stay, pussy. Boom…Jacob Marley just appeared. Now Spanish Arthur Fonzarelli is all pissed off because that white goofy fucktard’s cousin who looks like a chick dressed up as a ghost and now someone is hotboxing the woods. Maybe something will get better. Not for their situation, I mean quality of the show. OH! The chick, who looks MORE like a dude when she wears a pretty foofy dress, somehow, is the ghost, and her ‘57 Chevy from the other side, has picked her up so her date can fuck her in the ass for a memorable prom night. Better get pictures with the grandparents first, because some things cannot be undone and they change you as a person and it WILL show in the pictures because trying to feign a smile while your butt hole is all pooched is for the birds.

Maybe that dude’s cousin was a chick. Oh…dork fuck face just closed “The Meeting.” I hope he bursts into flames. It’s over! Time to attempt to bat away my desires for suicide.