Archive for 03/23/2015

Let’s all act like we do on the internet!

Helen Keller and a young Wilford Brimely

Helen Keller and a young Wilford Brimely

One of the things I hate most about communicating with the general public is their constant need to bait me into pretending I care what they’re talking about. When you say “you’ll never guess what amazing thing happened to me today!”, you’re absolutely right, I won’t. I have been met with many an uncomfortable quiet stare of those waiting for me to reply with “OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED?!” and instead get something more along the lines of what I imagine Hellen Keller could hear on her good days.

Anyway, as much as the internet may, at one time, have been a beacon of hope for all those, like me, who hate the annoying nuances of civilization, that time has pretty much come to a depressing, screeching halt.  Things like “click-bait” articles are one of the many ways your annoying habits have transferred over into something the whole world has to deal with.

Headlines like “Burger King is keeping this popular food on the menu year-round” (nobody likes chicken fries anyway, actually I don’t think anyone likes Burger King, anyway) and “Little Girl Has Hilariously Inappropriate Reaction To Finding Out She’s Going To Be A Big Sister” (she farted, nobody gives a flying fuck) are the internet’s equivalent to your annoying friends jabbering things like “WOW you will never guess who I talked to” into your face all day.  The truth is, nobody finds this shit any more interesting than they do your “insane” story of how you bumped into your gonorrhea-ridden ex at Super Wal-Mart last Thursday, and it’s crazy because you weren’t even supposed to be at Wal-Mart that day and holy shit….

giphy-2They need to be dressed up, they need to be mysterious, and they need to leave people feeling unsatisfied. That’s why these things work. In all honesty, how many of you would click on them if their headlines/captions were upfront? About as many people as would actually -choose- to listen to your life stories.  THAT is how many people.  I bet when you read “This Plot Hole In “The Little Mermaid” Changes Everything”, you immediately, uncontrollably want to know just what WHAT could this unimaginable, hitherto unknown plot hole be? Would it be less interesting to you if someone had accurately and more concisely summed up the story with “Ariel was an idiot.”  Probably not.

And just like nearly every time it has happened on planet Earth, your expectations of an amazing story are rapidly diminished as the story drones on, unchecked, for more time than it takes for a midget to change a lightbulb.  This is the sad state of affairs we are currently dealing with. Your overwhelming need to feel special, despite your boring, stupid existence, has now spilled over onto the internet where the whole world has to deal with the fall-out of one of the most successful psychological traps of all-time.

If you want them listening, keep them guessing.  Hey guys, when you see what you look like when you say things like “Dude, the most mind-blowing thing of all-time just happened to me”, maybe you’ll reel it in for the crowd.


If your lead-in has anything to do with your children you’re doubly to blame.