The trifecta of terrible.

Well here we are again, and I’ve dragged two guest writers into this misery with me. Fellow Smeat writer, and John from Yes, we will all be watching this giant mess of a show and all be ice=picking our eyes ou as soon as we’re done. Annnnddddd go:

Are You Afraid of the Dark S1 e11 The Tale of The Dark Music

That kid’s pants are way too short… I wonder if he is forced to wear all his shorter older brother’s pants because his parents don’t love him on account of his annoying disposition. I really hate the Harry Potter kid, how did he end up being the guy in charge around here? Oh look, the kid that looks like a girl is telling a story tonight.

See, I told you.

See, I told you.

I think Morrisey is in this episode playing a dude that moves boxes. I swear I just saw him sitting on someone’s porch. OOoh the bad kid has a skull on his shirt- that means trouble!  His mom reminds me of Louis Lane. Oh boy, someone is scared of the basement. I hope the mom’s dead uncle is in there. Jerking it to 1950’s porn of women showing their giant hairy vaginas and frilly bra-cones.

I guess if this music played everytime I walked into a basement I‘d find it unsettling, too. It’s an old radio, any movie or show with an old radio inevitably ends up getting messages from dead people. Ugh… it’s playing 80’s hair metal… see, dead people on the radio.

Wow, what happened to the Harry Potter kid, he looks drastically different in this episode. He looks like a muppet-bird creature. What the hell happened to his face?  His mother looks deranged. She reminds me of Zelda from Pet Semetary. He should lokc her in the bedroom and wait for her to look like a less-mutated julianne Moore.

Muppet bird creature.

Muppet bird creature.

Woah, is that fat Kid Rock? What’s with the terrible guitar solos all over this episode? Oh the skull kid has long hair, he’s up to no good. A young, know-it-all whippersnapper like that that thinks he knows what’s what.  Somehow this kid managed to end up in another dark basement, really? WHY? Everytime he goes in one, some fucked up doll-murderer movie starts playing.

Oh, now his little sister is creeping on him. She is playing Q-Bert based on the music coming from her tv. I love that game, Q-Bert looks like a Dr. Suess character. I miss that game. I hate his the little sister.  And I don’t get the mother’s reasons, she said she can’t go into the filthy, dusty basement at that moment because she was filthy. Yeah don’t want to get your filth all dirty, I guess.

HAHAHHAHA There is a giant doll, John is going to shit!!!  Jesus, it looks like someone hollowed out a kid’s head and stuck a wig on it. I wonder if Donnie Wahlberg is in this, too. Why would the mother keep yelling for him literally right outside a door she can open?

So the mother had time to leave a note and a pile of laundry but could have put them in for the same time and not wrote the note. Another stupid reason for the kid to end up in the doll basement again. Now there’s clown music. A lot of clown music. It’s getting circusy, I hope Zebo comes out of the closet this time. Nope, it’s a popcorn salesmen inside a carnival, instead. Boring sort of ghost. Jeeez this green screen really is an abomination. A Skeleton hand is pulling him into the green screen carnival, but he escaped just in time. Way to go, ultra-gay 90’s kid.

So every time he plays a song on there, something comes out of the closet. The skull kid fake-punching faces is depressingly bad. The only thing this kid punches is his balls. Ball-punching and Styx, that’s what he’s all about.

Is this over yet? sigh… I guess not, there’s more bad music now.

He’s wiring a fuck ton of ancient stereo equipment to the basement. And now he is luring skull kid to his underground killer-doll lair. He locked the kid in and plans to hav him murdered by whatever is in the closet.

This kid is fucking nuts. Random shit appears out of the closet, no idea who or what it is, and just locks some fucktard in the room with it, with a million speakers playing the worst music ever made as loud as humanly possible.

What a terrible person this kid is, he deserved to be beat about his eggplant-shaped head. Yay for skull kid, may he live on. Go play some really shitty music in your basement and maybe a doll will pop out wearing his rotted face-skin.

The closet is talking to him. I don’t know why, but I want macaroni and cheese with hot dogs in it. Oh look, blondie is back. Wow, that story essentially just stopped with no ending at all. That was nice of them.

I hope the last episode of this series is them all being pushed into the campfire, that would almost make it worth all this pain.


Are You Afraid of the Dark? S1 Ep11

Yay. We are now involved in another episode of “Are You Afraid of the Dark”…and fuck typing that name out again. Ok…so now a kid in a jean jacket is yelling at an ethnic boy, and this blond girl, who I estimate will suck thousands of dicks by 1997, is mocking the ethnic child. I’m not sure why any of this is happening…but the nerd kid with the glasses wants a story. He probably wants some chocolate milk too, because he can go fuck himself.

The Tale of the Dark Music. Maybe some Norwegian metal bands will burn something down. HOLY FUCK…I SHIT YOU NOT…A KID HAS A PAPER ROUTE! They don’t make those anymore. People are way too afraid of their kids getting fucked in their neighbor’s basement. Wow…that kid is a monkey. A pale white monkey. He’s part of the four monkey men of the TV apocalypse. I don’t really want Sarah’s computer to explode, but right now, I think that’s what’s best for all of us. Hi, John Lacki!

So now some bitch is droning ON AND ON about the basement being a mess. Suburban moms have this thing about making other people clean the basement. Bitch. Ptshhhh. Creaky basement steps…I think something just bit me on the neck. I hope it wasn’t a spider. I don’t feel like going to the emergency room and no matter what happens, I will not go. Now, some creepy old child molester-kid who definitely does that shit even though he’s a kid himself, is playing with a radio that looks like it’s about to play “War of the Worlds.” I guess it was grandpa’s. Yep, his semen is ALL over the basement ceiling. It’s like he’s a ghost, but instead of that, just a bunch of leftover semen. Oops…I missed something. Where are these kids? They can just make a fire in the woods like that? Where’s Smokey…Smoky? Anyway, he should murder them with an axe, and put the fire out with his drunken urine. Rats don’t talk unless we are talking about your fugly mother, kid. Fuck your mother. Like, not go do it, but I mean like, fuck her like she can fuck off. See! She just said, “…this house is really falling apart…blah blah blah…” Pick up a hammer, bitch. She killed one of her kids. And she loves abortions. I know the type. I kinda like her now. She’s all weirdly sociopathic.

Gallagher is someone’s dad in this. The gay metal kid, his dad. This is all bullshit by the way. The metal kid in the Ozzy shirt with the long hair never beats the shit out of anyone. Kids like that GET the shit kicked out of them…I know about these things. Why does that kid have a flashlight and when did this turn into a scavenger hunt from the Walking Dead? No. This is grandma’s abandoned garage. She’s kept her dead kid out there for years because the cunt couldn’t face what she’d done. Old Gertrude had a hankerin…for murrrrderrrr.

Uncle Niles? Is that what that little fuckstick just said? Wait. How the fuck did his uncle die “because he was old?” His mom can’t be older than me so where did this “Uncle Niles” come from? Mom is filthy! She said it! And the little brother/sister is hard to identify. Listen to that Van Halen-like guitar solo. Makes me wanna jump in front of WW3. I fucking HATE Van Halen…smiling ass, motherfucker!

Ok, so traditionally adults try to fuck kids in the woods on this show…now we’ve got some Amish doll trying to seduce this kid while his horny lying lizard mother just yells at the door instead of opening it. It’s your kid, bitch! OPEN THE DOOR AND LOOK YOURSELF, YOU LAZY RATCHET!

Oh my god. Who in the holy fuck throws tarps in the wash? That doesn’t even make sense. You use them to rake leaves and pretend you’re protecting shit from the rain…but you don’t throw them in the washing machine. And what’s the deal with demons on this show? They can come from hell, rise from the dead, dodge bullets, prepare a killer foi gras, spit fire, but they can’t quite get through a fucking basement door? These kids on these shows are lucky the monsters are always so fucking slow and bad at everything. They are like the “Clarence’s” from “It’s a Wonderful Life” of the monster world…dunce failures who just need a stroke of luck so they can move the fuck on.

I won a stereo like that on the boardwalk in Keansburg when I was a kid. Yes…no…that is NOT music you stupid little nothing. It’s static…but I guess that’s music to you because of your shitty brain power which is always switched to “shitty.” This heavy metal girl with the long hair just threw a bike in front of a dump truck and the truck just ran that shit over and kept on going. Nowadays, you’d never see that kid again. NEVER. That kid would become that dump truck driver’s prison-bitch. I’m 100% certain that the kid who’s getting picked on just made a huge dildo out of some newspapers and scotch tape…must’ve learned that from mom. Yeah, lock that kid in the basement— with grandpa’s ghost. Grandpa needs his dentures cleaned…not sure where I’m going with this. Now he’s blasting heavy metal music to the kid who likes heavy metal music because if that kid isn’t dying to fuck Dave Mustaine, then this show doesn’t know what a heavy metal dude who wants to fuck Dave Mustaine looks like. Oh fuck. He’s going into the basement…RUN, BITCH! IT AINT SAFE! That’s a nice finished basement. I hope to have one like it someday. But I’ll be fifty in fifteen years…so it’s like, now or never, right?

Wow, this demon wants more blood. I think this is a good look at the mind of a psychologically abused young male. Wait…even I don’t agree with this meeting being adjourned. The kid didn’t feed his sister to that thing but scared her and we’re not going to see how? Did he go all Suge-Knight-hangs-Vanilla-Ice-upside down-off-a-balcony on her ass!? I GOTS TO KNOW! Ok…now a kid is left at the fire by himself…paybacks are sweet? Fine—then I’m going to hunt down this whole cast and choke them with lollipops.

It’s over. I don’t know why or how. This show has no fucking plot. Stuff just vomits forward.

Holy fuck.


By John Lacki (of
Having never seen an episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark, I’m sure I’ll have more questions than answers. The first and most important question being, am I afraid of the dark. And quite frankly, that’s none of your business, show. But if I say yes, then I’m not going to watch the show because in theory I’d be too afraid to watch it. If I say no, then I’m still not going to watch it, because why would I waste my time on something that’s trying to be scary that I know won’t scare me? Call the show “Hey Maybe This Will Be A Scary Thing, But We’re Not Making Any Promises.” Call your show this. Your show that as far as I know isn’t on television anymore.

OK so a bunch of anti-drug PSA children are sitting around a campfire. Where is this taking place? I mean, obviously on a soundstage in Canada, but like, where exactly? Why is young Egon Spengler there?

A young sweatered lad says that, “Everyone knows there’s nothing in the dark that can hurt you most of the time,” nothing except knives, stoves, bullets, really anything that can hurt you in daylight can also hurt at night, maybe even more so because it will be unexpected. But OK, if that’s how you’re framing your story, go for it junior. And here’s our title, The Tale of the Dark Music. As someone that loves dark music, I’m already excited.

There is no way that any of the newspapers this kid is throwing are reaching the doorsteps, let alone the sidewalks in front of the houses on his route. I already love heavy metal neighbor. Maybe he will be the source of the dark music. Warrant had some dark stuff. A 15 year old is afraid of a basement. Mom looks like a Canadian Geena Davis, but is good with wall switches.

This is kinda like Evil Dead for tweens. Someone’s in my (f)root celllllllar. Hahaha holy shit heavy metal dad with the Beetlejuice pants is the best dad, and he forces his son to brush the front porch. I need to retract my earlier statement, he actually got a newspaper onto the porch through tv magic. Best answer to “How did he die?” “He stopped living.” Thanks mom.

OK and now I see why I was asked to comment on this episode because there’s a ventriloquist dummy/real doll hybrid living in the basement. No one in this family wants to take responsibility for the laundry. 13 minutes in and still no dark music. Pipe organ music is unsettling but I wouldn’t call it dark. Now the root cellar is full of Willy Wonka special effects and skeletons.

Heavy metal kid is still brushing the front porch with soapy water. And now he turned into a bike and the root cellar grants wishes if you feed it humans. And that’s it? THAT’s how it ends? Where’s the moral? Just kill people and get what you want. Thanks Are You Afraid of the Dark.

Back at the campfire for more gentle joshing. Everyone on this goddamn show is afraid of the dark. Who’s more of a monster, the creators of this show or the madman that uploaded ALL OF THEM TO YOUTUBE?