Here we go, I guess..

S01E10 The Tale of Jake and the Leprechaun (ugh)

By the time I finish all of these I will have seen this intro about one hundred and forty times. I can never get that time back.  So here is another one of me and IAMRICKSEE’s reviews of this awful show. Click” read more” to read more, dicklards.

This kid is supposed to be sad his grandfather died… well you’re not pulling it off kid, so stop letting your mother live her broken dreams out on you. And stop telling kids in lunch you’re an actor.  This girl doesn’t know what a leprechaun is? Are you fucking kidding me? That’s bullshit!  This kid looks like he would be in a Twizzlers commercial.

Wow, it suddenly turned into the set of the first Troll movie, the one nobody has ever seen.  I think the leprechaun is being played by an 80’s metal band guitarist with a long black mullet.  Wow, this kid is telling the story of a little kid that wished he was an actor. Christ what is up with her stupid clothes and hair and face and rat-toothed mouth? Oh this guy is drinking some weird mystery potion, but it’s just fireball mixed with some unicorn piss or whatever the fuck leprechauns drink while they’re sitting on a tree branch with their balls poking against their short leprechaun trousers.  Wow, this is fucking weird. This midge is fucking ripped. He has Rambo arms on a tiny little body.

Uh oh, the small dude threw the recipe on the ground, now some radom 90’s person is going to stumble upon it while listening to Boys II Men on their disc man.

This crazy Irish fucker is trying to poison some purple-shirted kid, it makes his voice change and it freaks him out. I think it’s a metaphor for puberty. “Something weird is happening to me… it’s like I’m changing”  Yeah this seems like a movie they’d play in sixth-grade health class.

This kid looks like a latex mask of a gorilla.  Now the little dude is smoking weed. I bet he doesn’t go through his stashes very fast on account of being a tiny man.  I feel like this episode has a weird inception thing going on, a storyteller is telling a story of someone in a play telling another story. Oh and the original story teller was retelling his stupid dead grandfather’s story.  Dick.

They said his ears got pointy but I swear his ears were already that pointy.  Now the little dude is dressed as a pimp. Silk orange velvet blouse, green tweed suit. How convenient, there is a chair directly in the middle of a hallway right where someone needs to reach something. Obviously I don’t need to tell you who can’t reach something, but anyway… The old dude is getting all scabby and weird now. I know someone with a back that looks like this guy’s.  Just giant tufts of grizzly bear ass strewn across their body.  Every seven years banshees need to do some shit blahblah, who makes up these rules anyway? Who decides when banshees need to do shit? Nature? I guess. How are we suddenly back in the play, this is all so convoluted.

Why is the audience clapping for this dumb shit? They must have been drugged with that leprechaun shit. This kid is so misshapen. What the hell is wrong with his face?  I feel like this is the little kid from Home Improvement.  They both have that annoying face thing going on and both look like they’d grow up to be in a shitty boy band.

Ugh, this bitch again. The one with the head and shit.  The leprechaun has an Asian-sounding name, that was a turn I didn’t expect we’d be making.  And the banshee being named Sean seems very unlikely. Is this kid dead yet or what? Ugh…

He threw a rubber snake and it turned someone into frog and now little guy is sprinkling glitter on it. How festive. I wonder if this is some sort of little-people holiday tradition. I think he brushes his long shiny eyebrow-hair with a Barbie brush.

Oh now they’re group-hugging, I think they should trip and all land in the fire, but we all know that won’t happen since there are like a hundred and fifty million more of these fucking things.

The End.

IAMRICKSEE:

It’s one thing to force yourself to stay awake…it’s a whole other thing to force yourself to stay awake to watch an episode of “Are You Afraid of the Dark” on purpose. Oof, that kid is a dork. I don’t like to judge people, but that kid is a dork. Her grandfather died…oh…that’s a HIM?!  HIS grandfather died. Evidently, he was a puppeteer or some shit. This kid is talking about fairies a lot. I’m embarrassed for him. I fear he is a target for just about every sock full of quarters these here woods have to offer!

I don’t know wtf this kid is talking about, but he looks like a fucking idiot in his dead grandfather’s hat. Grandpa should’ve been strong and demanded he be buried in that stupid piece of shit. The kid I mean, not the hat. Holy fucking crap—that horse-faced kid is getting accosted by that weird fucking “Lost Boys” looking thing crossed with elfin Orlando Bloom. That kid gets botox in his lips. Doesn’t surprise me. Someone was probably fucking all these kids back then, which is not good, but it does explain why this would go on for seven butt-fucking seasons. “We’ve been living most our lives, living in a pedo-paradiiiise!” What is wrong with their faces? Something is wrong with their faces. Something is wrong with the way they talk. That stupid bitch horse-faced one is telling the little goofy male horse-faced one how to make weed brownies…I think. I’m not paying too much attention. I have to take a swig of my beer…

Back, and guess what…this botox-lipped little kid is making friends with an inappropriately-aged older friend. Are you shocked? Holy crap! Peter Steele’s midget doppelganger just appeared on the screen. I never ever thought about what that would look like before, so it’s extra weird to see and realize it. Holy crap. He’s a rude little shit…nice overalls, shit brown over an orange shirt. He looks like a rotting pumpkin with a long black wig. Uh-ooohhh…we’ve got a scary voiceover, and the kid with the old man friend is now wearing a large woman’s shirt and this fucked up old man, who quite honestly looks like he scratches a LOT of itches, if you know what I mean, is trying to dance with the little boy. I think this guy lives in a theater. There are a lot of children in the theater. Yes kid…it WAS fucking scary, wasn’t it? Yeah little boy, as the old friend said, you have the gift…use it…mmmMMMMmmmm…

That little Peter Steele guy just said fart-crystal, I think…he does NOT like company. He lives in a tiny very offensive house. I wonder what the actor got paid for this…oh cool! He lives in Yoda’s house! I bet they email each other. Oh wait…this is like 1990…WAIT…DID THAT LITTLE GUY JUST TALK ABOUT THE “RIGHT HERBS?” A “spriggin” indeed my little friend…wink wink, nudge nudge. Oh, he’s definitely smoking drugs, and he’s an alcoholic too. I don’t really want to get into it, but trust me, he’s a fucking alcoholic. 

We are back to the old man…now I don’t want to shake the baby cage too much here or anything, but the drunk old guy who’s friends with the little boy with the botox lips is giving him potions or spells or some shit to deepen the kid’s voice. Sorry dude, no matter how deep his voice is, that is still a little boy! This midget dude NEVER stops smoking drugs. He’s a tranny I think too. I don’t know if he went through with the whole procedure or not. By the looks of things, I’d say he did. But that’s none of my business though. What a little troublemaker. He just gets high as possible and makes trouble…he set off a fire alarm that just rang for so long, I swear on the fucking devil that my neighbors are going to call the fucking fire department…look guys, once you make the point, shut that shit off!!!

And under the bed we go. We’ve got an old man casting spells with pointy ears and this little Peter Steele dude is under the bed with botox-boy and his weirdly weird inflated looking ducky face. He looks like he is made of balloons. Now, I don’t know about you, but I can’t tell if that is fur, or just rotted back fat. And I’m telling you, this little person is a fucking drug pusher. He has tried to give this kid dope about thirty six fucking times already. It’s like…what is up with that? Casio keyboard music time! Back on stage with the predatory elfin old man director friend who’s launching “potions” out his pockets…I think it’s probably just his semen.

That’s the spirit, kid! Fuck all the banshees! What the fuck is a banshee anyway? I know I’ve heard people scream like ‘em but I don’t know what that is. I don’t know what is happening. This show has no fucking plot. It is just circular…nothing makes any sense. Balloon-face kid is in a play or something…I just actually kind of figured that out, but I think it’s been going on the whole time, but that kid don’t look right. Check out the one-sided pony tail, the ginger chick with the headset has one…it’s really awesome. OMG…SEAN OSHEENIE VS the Devilish old man friend from the ship of doom. No one in the audience even believes that any of this is real. It’s so badly made, that even in their universe where dark magic is actually happening, they all just sit there gawking like a bunch of confused chickens all listening to a distant humming noise. NO ONE CARES! This is so unbelievably lame. I do believe THIS is what sobriety looks like, and it’s weird, ya know— I was going to comment on how you need drugs for this, but think about a lot of shit you’ve seen made by people on drugs…their shit is dope. This is fucking awful.

Oh, way to go kid, you get a standing ovation. That story was for your dead grandpa. I’m sure he’s disgusted by you. Fuck you. This show…just…omfg.