Archive for 01/31/2015

The trifecta of terrible.

01/31/2015

Well here we are again, and I’ve dragged two guest writers into this misery with me. Fellow Smeat writer, and John from SuperTMH2.com. Yes, we will all be watching this giant mess of a show and all be ice=picking our eyes ou as soon as we’re done. Annnnddddd go:

Are You Afraid of the Dark S1 e11 The Tale of The Dark Music

That kid’s pants are way too short… I wonder if he is forced to wear all his shorter older brother’s pants because his parents don’t love him on account of his annoying disposition. I really hate the Harry Potter kid, how did he end up being the guy in charge around here? Oh look, the kid that looks like a girl is telling a story tonight.

See, I told you.

See, I told you.

I think Morrisey is in this episode playing a dude that moves boxes. I swear I just saw him sitting on someone’s porch. OOoh the bad kid has a skull on his shirt- that means trouble!  His mom reminds me of Louis Lane. Oh boy, someone is scared of the basement. I hope the mom’s dead uncle is in there. Jerking it to 1950’s porn of women showing their giant hairy vaginas and frilly bra-cones.

I guess if this music played everytime I walked into a basement I‘d find it unsettling, too. It’s an old radio, any movie or show with an old radio inevitably ends up getting messages from dead people. Ugh… it’s playing 80’s hair metal… see, dead people on the radio.

Wow, what happened to the Harry Potter kid, he looks drastically different in this episode. He looks like a muppet-bird creature. What the hell happened to his face?  His mother looks deranged. She reminds me of Zelda from Pet Semetary. He should lokc her in the bedroom and wait for her to look like a less-mutated julianne Moore.

Muppet bird creature.

Muppet bird creature.

Woah, is that fat Kid Rock? What’s with the terrible guitar solos all over this episode? Oh the skull kid has long hair, he’s up to no good. A young, know-it-all whippersnapper like that that thinks he knows what’s what.  Somehow this kid managed to end up in another dark basement, really? WHY? Everytime he goes in one, some fucked up doll-murderer movie starts playing.

Oh, now his little sister is creeping on him. She is playing Q-Bert based on the music coming from her tv. I love that game, Q-Bert looks like a Dr. Suess character. I miss that game. I hate his the little sister.  And I don’t get the mother’s reasons, she said she can’t go into the filthy, dusty basement at that moment because she was filthy. Yeah don’t want to get your filth all dirty, I guess.

HAHAHHAHA There is a giant doll, John is going to shit!!!  Jesus, it looks like someone hollowed out a kid’s head and stuck a wig on it. I wonder if Donnie Wahlberg is in this, too. Why would the mother keep yelling for him literally right outside a door she can open?

So the mother had time to leave a note and a pile of laundry but could have put them in for the same time and not wrote the note. Another stupid reason for the kid to end up in the doll basement again. Now there’s clown music. A lot of clown music. It’s getting circusy, I hope Zebo comes out of the closet this time. Nope, it’s a popcorn salesmen inside a carnival, instead. Boring sort of ghost. Jeeez this green screen really is an abomination. A Skeleton hand is pulling him into the green screen carnival, but he escaped just in time. Way to go, ultra-gay 90’s kid.

So every time he plays a song on there, something comes out of the closet. The skull kid fake-punching faces is depressingly bad. The only thing this kid punches is his balls. Ball-punching and Styx, that’s what he’s all about.

Is this over yet? sigh… I guess not, there’s more bad music now.

He’s wiring a fuck ton of ancient stereo equipment to the basement. And now he is luring skull kid to his underground killer-doll lair. He locked the kid in and plans to hav him murdered by whatever is in the closet.

This kid is fucking nuts. Random shit appears out of the closet, no idea who or what it is, and just locks some fucktard in the room with it, with a million speakers playing the worst music ever made as loud as humanly possible.

What a terrible person this kid is, he deserved to be beat about his eggplant-shaped head. Yay for skull kid, may he live on. Go play some really shitty music in your basement and maybe a doll will pop out wearing his rotted face-skin.

The closet is talking to him. I don’t know why, but I want macaroni and cheese with hot dogs in it. Oh look, blondie is back. Wow, that story essentially just stopped with no ending at all. That was nice of them.

I hope the last episode of this series is them all being pushed into the campfire, that would almost make it worth all this pain.

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Here we go, I guess..

01/09/2015

S01E10 The Tale of Jake and the Leprechaun (ugh)

By the time I finish all of these I will have seen this intro about one hundred and forty times. I can never get that time back.  So here is another one of me and IAMRICKSEE’s reviews of this awful show. Click” read more” to read more, dicklards.

This kid is supposed to be sad his grandfather died… well you’re not pulling it off kid, so stop letting your mother live her broken dreams out on you. And stop telling kids in lunch you’re an actor.  This girl doesn’t know what a leprechaun is? Are you fucking kidding me? That’s bullshit!  This kid looks like he would be in a Twizzlers commercial.

Wow, it suddenly turned into the set of the first Troll movie, the one nobody has ever seen.  I think the leprechaun is being played by an 80’s metal band guitarist with a long black mullet.  Wow, this kid is telling the story of a little kid that wished he was an actor. Christ what is up with her stupid clothes and hair and face and rat-toothed mouth? Oh this guy is drinking some weird mystery potion, but it’s just fireball mixed with some unicorn piss or whatever the fuck leprechauns drink while they’re sitting on a tree branch with their balls poking against their short leprechaun trousers.  Wow, this is fucking weird. This midge is fucking ripped. He has Rambo arms on a tiny little body.

Uh oh, the small dude threw the recipe on the ground, now some radom 90’s person is going to stumble upon it while listening to Boys II Men on their disc man.

This crazy Irish fucker is trying to poison some purple-shirted kid, it makes his voice change and it freaks him out. I think it’s a metaphor for puberty. “Something weird is happening to me… it’s like I’m changing”  Yeah this seems like a movie they’d play in sixth-grade health class.

This kid looks like a latex mask of a gorilla.  Now the little dude is smoking weed. I bet he doesn’t go through his stashes very fast on account of being a tiny man.  I feel like this episode has a weird inception thing going on, a storyteller is telling a story of someone in a play telling another story. Oh and the original story teller was retelling his stupid dead grandfather’s story.  Dick.

They said his ears got pointy but I swear his ears were already that pointy.  Now the little dude is dressed as a pimp. Silk orange velvet blouse, green tweed suit. How convenient, there is a chair directly in the middle of a hallway right where someone needs to reach something. Obviously I don’t need to tell you who can’t reach something, but anyway… The old dude is getting all scabby and weird now. I know someone with a back that looks like this guy’s.  Just giant tufts of grizzly bear ass strewn across their body.  Every seven years banshees need to do some shit blahblah, who makes up these rules anyway? Who decides when banshees need to do shit? Nature? I guess. How are we suddenly back in the play, this is all so convoluted.

Why is the audience clapping for this dumb shit? They must have been drugged with that leprechaun shit. This kid is so misshapen. What the hell is wrong with his face?  I feel like this is the little kid from Home Improvement.  They both have that annoying face thing going on and both look like they’d grow up to be in a shitty boy band.

Ugh, this bitch again. The one with the head and shit.  The leprechaun has an Asian-sounding name, that was a turn I didn’t expect we’d be making.  And the banshee being named Sean seems very unlikely. Is this kid dead yet or what? Ugh…

He threw a rubber snake and it turned someone into frog and now little guy is sprinkling glitter on it. How festive. I wonder if this is some sort of little-people holiday tradition. I think he brushes his long shiny eyebrow-hair with a Barbie brush.

Oh now they’re group-hugging, I think they should trip and all land in the fire, but we all know that won’t happen since there are like a hundred and fifty million more of these fucking things.

The End.

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