Ugh this again.. am I seriously going to get through…what? Six? Seven seasons? (pt 1)

IAMRICKSEE joined me in my little watch-review-along thingy, for Are You Afraid of the Dark, season 01, Episode 8. I shall post them separately, and you can enjoy them thusly.

Blondie makes a point for once, and the other guy has very fluffy nineties hair. Tonight the future lesbian tells the tale, and it’s called:

“The Tale of the Nightly Neighbors” (they have weird video game music playing here)

Kid shoveling popcorn into his monkey-shaped gullet. Overly-nineties sister looks like she’s going to grow up to eat out Rosie O’donnell. She’s wearing a fucking blazer for fuck’s sake. WITH shoulder pads!

Spying on the new neighbors. Oh Jesus, now she’s wearing a men’s dress shirt. OMG the neighbors are from Ukraine! NOBODY CARES! Listen, if the weird new neighbors want their real dolls in the driveway if nobody is home when they’re delivered, thats their business, theirs and theirs alone.

The mailman is as weak as a kitten.

I'm as weak as a kitten.

I’m as weak as a kitten.

The neighbors only come out at night, they sound like reasonable people. Still, they let their sticky-looking little parasite roam the neighborhood unattended like a confused albino hobo.

The neighbors are coming to taunt her with fog machines and fake fangs. Man, does this chick’s wardrobe ever improve at all? This kid looks like he’d jerk off his pets when his parents are at TJ Max.

“There’s only one explanation… our neighbors are vampires” is a sentence you don’t hear often, but when you do it is entertaining. Uh Oh Emma is going to investigate the possible vampire neighbors. She seems to know her shit, basing it mostly on late 80’s vampire movie philosophy. I wonder if Corey Feldman is going to show up, all cracked out, MC Hammer pants waving in the night breeze.

She’s in their basement now, that rotten little hussy. Hey, the neighbors came to visit the rednecky kid with the rat-tail looking hair. It’s like a mullet that cries out for a rat tail. This girl is an idiot, looking for coffins in her neighbor’s basement. That mouse was so clearly fake! This kid’s face is on crooked, seriously crooked. I feel like this chick grew up to do porn, I feel like I’ve seen her with several dozen cocks all up in her shit before.

Don’t vorry Dayday… what the fuck kind of name is Dayday? I guess the kind of name a crooked-faced mullet-having redneck nineties-kid might have. The people are clearly home now but the kids don’t seem like they’re doing a very good job being scared of getting caught in the basement. Somehow there is a jump and now they are suddenly in their own house again, good thing they made that daring escape from the angry vampires, without showing us any of it.

I like how two sticks tied together around their neck is supposed to protect them from creatures who drink blood to survive and essentially live forever.

Jesus Christ it took a long time for someone to finally go into the fucking basement. The vampire neighbors are dressed like Depeche Mode rejects. Their coffins play 80’s synth-pop when you open the lid. Her ass looks like a depressed walrus in those jeans.

Yeah, who wouldn’t let random strangers store blood in their murder room for the hospital? Thats a hospital I’d feel safe at. I feel like somehow everyone in this episode ends up being a lesbian in real life.

I want to punch the little kid right in his dumb mouth. Ugh, why do people try to rhyme things at times when it isn’t necessary?

I declare this meeting of the midnight society closed
until next time, pleasant dreams everyone.