S01E09 Are You Afraid Of The Dark – The Tale Of The Sorcerer’s Apprentice

Please don’t use the term “crank the volume” was the last thing I said to IAMRICKSEE before this episode barely started. That’s just a side note. ANYWAY, here we are again, both doing our own rambling “reviewish” thing here. Mine is up top, his is below, click the cut at the end for the rest, which I hope you could have figured out on your own.

Oh hey! It’s starting!

Kids have Michael Jordan rookie cards before he was a rapey douche, or was that some other dude I’m thinking of? Ugh I hate that failed Harry Potter kid’s face.  Blahblahblah

The Tale of the Sorcerer’s Apprentice (watch it below, if it behooves you)

Up-close shots so nobody realizes they’re filming in the director’s mom’s basement to save money. He keeps the kids down there anyway.  Wow, that classroom looks like my old science class, but I guess it probably looks like every science class ever.  The teacher looks like a greased loin of pork.

Oh, young black female, bewildered lost puppy white male, surely the forbidden love only a 90’s kid’s television station could tell. It’s like the Hallmark channel for t

OMG the big plastic snake belonged to a sorcerer! This woman would be good on one of those cable network fake porn shows. Like the soft core kind where the boss cheats on his wife with his secretary but they just keep showing closeups of her legs and blouse with jerk-off noises in the background.

“Don’t be afraid to touch” -Said every woman in a soft core porn on a shitty cable station ever!

Someone is locking… a basement! I fucking called the shit out of that shit. What is this kid doing? what is going on? Why is this episode mostly really tight shots of feet walking in the dark.  I don’t give a fuck what a British Knight looks like up close when it steps into a puddle in 1994. I don’t know why any of this is happening. The pork loin is back, her arms look like bratwurst and her fingers are like smooth vienna sausages. People in Oklahoma love those fucking things, they are utterly disgusting. I fucking hate Oklahoma. Ugh. Everything is fried. EVERYTHING! Except the fucking vienna sausages, they eat those fucking things out of the can.  Can’t wait to shovel the miniature meat logs into your stupid mid-westernish gaping maw of a mouth. Ugh… what the fuck was happening again?

I think a bunch of Danzig fans just got together to play Yahtzee in someone’s steam room.  I think this is how Nightmare on Elm Street started, actually. Wow that thing is so fake. Are You Afraid of the Dark is where children go to die.  What the fuck is this shit?  The floating head is actually a new level of awful for this show. Holy Shit! I can’t even begin to explain how insane this just got. I WILL POST PICTURES!

Black girl in denim and ole’ pork loin are talking. Great, just what we needed.  Oh god, this kid.  He looks like he was going to try out for a part in Rumble Fish the musical (for anyone that never read Rumble Fish, just replace that with “West Side Story” which is already a musical. Or what’s that outer one? Oh yeah the outsiders) you have to have seen at least one of those. Fuck.

Now they’re riding bikes up close in the dark, no more British Knights we’ve moved up.  This chick doesn’t really do a great job resisting the special education students from kidnapping her in the woods.Ugh Harry Poter is making stupid puns.

I guess they’re just going to drop her off in the steam room. This really is one of the worst episodes of this show. Now we see shadows of people doing things instead of them doing things. Nice hair, fruit loops. I feel like this kid grew up to die in an alley bloated and cracked out on… you know, crack or some shit.

THE MYSITC VAPORS! Hey this turned into a “don’t smoke weed” ad somehow.  Jesus, couldn’t Nickeloden do better than this? I mean they had all that slime and puppets and stuff, how did they not know a way to make this more palatable? Clarrisa recreating this whole story in a one-kid show would be easier to watch, even if we had to put up wit Ferguson jerking off behind the curtain all night.

Oh magically everything has ended, much like it always does on this stupid show.v  He’s sorry.  He’s so sorry.  Man, this dude looks like he grew up to be a goonish lesbian.  That one woman is dressed for a safari now.  and it’s weird that they have the same tattoos the death eaters have in Harry Potter.


And with the image of a flickering skateboard and some wind torn shutters, we are whisked away to the 90’s…when things were cool. Yes. I’m talking about Are You Afraid of the Dark? Back when they used flashlights. Yep…they are lesbians…I see the twinkle in the eyes. Fire and text…fire and text. Today, years ago, centuries ago…and she thinks she’s “jumping ahead.” Bitch…you are going backwards, mathlete. I’m pretty sure the chick with the snake henna just put a grenade in the toilet to fuck that pussy-footed little nothing up.

Oh…now we are back to today. What the fuck is with this narration? That girls voice is like squirrels raping each other…nutty. Holy fuck, my cat just sneezed like a motherfucker. Ok, so here goes on with this guy in the oversized button down shirt with the rolled up sleeves…wait. Hold the fuck on. Did he just say chemistry…IN HIGH SCHOOL? And is his girlfriend black? That seems progressive for the 90’s. I wouldn’t be surprised if they got letters. HAND WRITTEN letters from parents who are planning to voice their opinions at the next PTA meeting.

Now this older ginger bitch just said some shit about garlic behind a skull. She was behind the skull…not the garlic…there’s no garlic, she’s just going on and on here. Her face is dragon-like. Yeah, this fucking dork has “stuff to do.” This is about to get all weirdly…wait. He’s going to fuck his not at all hot ginger teacher. I get it. He’s a curious young man…he’s been rubbing one out every night and she wants to teach him a lesson…that’s why he’s looking at a gold cobra right now. He’s gone all Limp Bizkit before he taps it. Oh, hold it. You know that old guy that built Edward Scissorhands? I think this is his place. I’ll be damned if some crazy coke wasn’t vacuumed up in that pimp den over the years.

Oh…the whack turd in the turtle neck just intimidated his bus driver/biology teacher. Oh great…classic fucking Are You Afraid of the Dark…there is no fucking plot. He’s just all upset…hold on…I have to chug my blue Moon. Ok, I’m back. And I’m depressed. That was the end of my bottle of Blue Moon and the fucking old ass refrigerator is all the fucking way over there. Oh right-so the black girl in the poofy denim is in the sewer, and there is a fucked up game of Yahtzee going on, and this kid’s leather jacket is not toughening up his look. He looks like a skeletal deer-woman. Like a Walking Dead zombie dolled up. His hair gel has created a sort of sail out of his boat head. Yes. His head looks like a boat with a dick’s face on the front. The cobra signifies he’s going to fuck his black girlfriend in front of a pile of chairs and a Persian demon. I know for a fact he’s Persian.  I’ve seen the movie “300” and THAT shiny fuck looks like Fuckwhick, or Zercules or whatever the fuck that big guy on the throne’s name was. And I have news for you, he’s fucking over this white boy. Rightfully so. Look how entitled that little pasty little fucktard behaves. Now the typical bus driver lady is back…from serving lunch I assume.

I’d a slashed that bitches enormous throat…fucking soda and crap like that would come pouring out. Her chin would be like Jesus giving out fish and chips and shit except like it would be like Cheetos and sodas and…what the hell was I talking about? Oh…he’s yelling down at his bitch now. Good for you, white boy! Flap your bird skeleton-like figure around stupidly. You show people how hard it is…wait…she’s your best friend? You’re not banging her? Oh right! You fucked the ginger teacher in her 50’s. I don’t trust this guy as a leader, and now, it’s all organ music and bicycles coming around a shadowed corner like we’re in “Lost Boys” or some shit. How the fuck does that bitch know what sulfuric acid is? Oh right; because education used to actually mean something!!! Honestly, nowadays, people that age would try to smoke it or snort it or huff it and end up in the hospital and ruin everything for all of us.

We’re back to the fucking puss-dork in the glasses and now the lockers…so I guess the school? Ok, once and for all, no kid in this time period could act. NONE OF THEM. I can actually sense the cue cards he’s reading from. I mean, I can’t see them, but it’s like I feel like I can see them in the…I mean, was it a budget issue? Like, wasn’t Nickelodeon pretty powerful? They couldn’t get like Short Round and Corey Feldman, maybe Andy Melonakos on this shit? I’d be so down. I’d be sitting here drinking like a fish, writing this like, “Oh fuck! You should’ve seen that!” Now, I haven’t even looked up in a bit but now that I did, I think the butt-fucker in the video was holding his dick over a hole with his “best friend” trapped in it.

Now I get it. I figured this out. I was right earlier. They WEREN’T open minded enough to have a white guy with a black girlfriend…that’s why he said you’re my “best friend.” Ok…way to play it safe guys. This is the 90’s or early 90’s. Oh shit, is that the Persian guy or the Silver Surfer? So, ok. This whacky Persian Co-Jack Monster is just done in with chlorine? Why did that take so long? And if he’s a demon, why did he just stand around grinning while that chick bumbled fucked her dumb ass way all the way to the shed, rolled out the chlorine bucket, pried off the lid (you know how those things are…get the screwdriver #amirite) and THEN dumped chlorine in the pool? He was slow as balls?! He could’ve stopped that bitch, but instead, he just stood there glaring and announcing stupid bullshit like that thing in that movie with Tom Hanks where he’s a kid and now some yammering fortune telling machine is getting all uppity…oh, it’s the unhot ginger teacher. On a scale of 1 to 10…we’re thinking 4. It’s the hair, bitch. Start there. I smell the corpses of dead children. I don’t like this kid. Whose yard is this? Why the skull? Is this Hamlet? Oh…it’s done. There goes the synth music. ;akfhakjsdhfk;ashfk;