Archive for 11/24/2014

S01E09 Are You Afraid Of The Dark – The Tale Of The Sorcerer’s Apprentice

11/24/2014

Please don’t use the term “crank the volume” was the last thing I said to IAMRICKSEE before this episode barely started. That’s just a side note. ANYWAY, here we are again, both doing our own rambling “reviewish” thing here. Mine is up top, his is below, click the cut at the end for the rest, which I hope you could have figured out on your own.

Oh hey! It’s starting!

Kids have Michael Jordan rookie cards before he was a rapey douche, or was that some other dude I’m thinking of? Ugh I hate that failed Harry Potter kid’s face.  Blahblahblah

The Tale of the Sorcerer’s Apprentice (watch it below, if it behooves you)

Up-close shots so nobody realizes they’re filming in the director’s mom’s basement to save money. He keeps the kids down there anyway.  Wow, that classroom looks like my old science class, but I guess it probably looks like every science class ever.  The teacher looks like a greased loin of pork.

Oh, young black female, bewildered lost puppy white male, surely the forbidden love only a 90’s kid’s television station could tell. It’s like the Hallmark channel for t

OMG the big plastic snake belonged to a sorcerer! This woman would be good on one of those cable network fake porn shows. Like the soft core kind where the boss cheats on his wife with his secretary but they just keep showing closeups of her legs and blouse with jerk-off noises in the background.

“Don’t be afraid to touch” -Said every woman in a soft core porn on a shitty cable station ever!

Someone is locking… a basement! I fucking called the shit out of that shit. What is this kid doing? what is going on? Why is this episode mostly really tight shots of feet walking in the dark.  I don’t give a fuck what a British Knight looks like up close when it steps into a puddle in 1994. I don’t know why any of this is happening. The pork loin is back, her arms look like bratwurst and her fingers are like smooth vienna sausages. People in Oklahoma love those fucking things, they are utterly disgusting. I fucking hate Oklahoma. Ugh. Everything is fried. EVERYTHING! Except the fucking vienna sausages, they eat those fucking things out of the can.  Can’t wait to shovel the miniature meat logs into your stupid mid-westernish gaping maw of a mouth. Ugh… what the fuck was happening again?

I think a bunch of Danzig fans just got together to play Yahtzee in someone’s steam room.  I think this is how Nightmare on Elm Street started, actually. Wow that thing is so fake. Are You Afraid of the Dark is where children go to die.  What the fuck is this shit?  The floating head is actually a new level of awful for this show. Holy Shit! I can’t even begin to explain how insane this just got. I WILL POST PICTURES!

Black girl in denim and ole’ pork loin are talking. Great, just what we needed.  Oh god, this kid.  He looks like he was going to try out for a part in Rumble Fish the musical (for anyone that never read Rumble Fish, just replace that with “West Side Story” which is already a musical. Or what’s that outer one? Oh yeah the outsiders) you have to have seen at least one of those. Fuck.

Now they’re riding bikes up close in the dark, no more British Knights we’ve moved up.  This chick doesn’t really do a great job resisting the special education students from kidnapping her in the woods.Ugh Harry Poter is making stupid puns.

I guess they’re just going to drop her off in the steam room. This really is one of the worst episodes of this show. Now we see shadows of people doing things instead of them doing things. Nice hair, fruit loops. I feel like this kid grew up to die in an alley bloated and cracked out on… you know, crack or some shit.

THE MYSITC VAPORS! Hey this turned into a “don’t smoke weed” ad somehow.  Jesus, couldn’t Nickeloden do better than this? I mean they had all that slime and puppets and stuff, how did they not know a way to make this more palatable? Clarrisa recreating this whole story in a one-kid show would be easier to watch, even if we had to put up wit Ferguson jerking off behind the curtain all night.

Oh magically everything has ended, much like it always does on this stupid show.v  He’s sorry.  He’s so sorry.  Man, this dude looks like he grew up to be a goonish lesbian.  That one woman is dressed for a safari now.  and it’s weird that they have the same tattoos the death eaters have in Harry Potter.

(more…)

I don’t even understand how we arrived at the credits…they sort of just started to happen. (pt 2)

11/05/2014

Here is the second part of the last update, so re-watch and read morerereereree..

Are You Afraid of the Dark? Review S1 Ep8

OOWWW!!! And here I am, once again, writing a new review about Are You Afraid of the Dark? Remember that show? I can tell by your wincing, like someone just plucked one of your ball hairs off unexpectedly, that you do. Why DO we only tell scary stories at night? Good question, right? Oof…the acting in this always makes me feel like I have razorblades slicing through my brain with such precision, that they straight up expose my douche-nerve. Ok, now this weird Native American looking bitch is babbling about some shit about being afraid. Maybe she’s an Eskimo…er, Inuit. I’m afraid. Are you? I’m afraid you suck cock at acting, young lady. You’re lucky there are so many dicks in the world to slurp on so that you’re never homeless! Spooky fire, popcorn flying. These are the makings of a blood-orgy. The hairstyles are hurting even my feelings. WTF was wrong with people back then? How could everyone look in the mirror and be all like, “Nailed it?” Honestly. Up, poofy, and dried out sucks! Down, wet, and sultry is where it’s at! How the fuck did people not know that! It wasn’t even that long ago!

Ok, now this weird brother and sister fuck-duo are being weird, and she walks like a caveman and looks like Eddie Van Halen…and he SUCKS. I fucking HATE Eddie Van Halen. Except for that one song. David Lee Roth is the shit, though. By the by, that’s not her displaying acting skills…there’s no caveman scene going on here. Ok, so now Eddie and the dude who looks like a lesbian in the 90’s who shops exclusively at TJ Max’s clearance rack are arguing. Fuck the mailman, I guess. Mom, her pantsuit, and her shoulder pads just tried to grab the mailman’s cock and balls, and he wasn’t having it. I’m pretty sure he is dying of AIDS. Look at him. He’s covered in it! Where’s that white bitch from CNN who doesn’t think before she speaks and says it’s ok to use fire hoses on black protesters? Hey, bitch! Point your hose at this sad shriveling Casper the Friendly sick-and-dying-of-AIDS-mailman ghost. He was just subtly describing a neighborhood gangbang he was a part of and says he’s been sick ever since. What a dirty boy! Bet they had the lube fountain flowing like an alcoholic’s urine at a local throwback, doo-wop, bathhouse jamboree. Sounds suspicious and spooky you fucking dirty bastard! No wonder you’re so sick. You disgust me.

Ok…why are there always kids with bad hair walking into the dark while also developing relationships with inappropriately aged elders? Oop! Now, the Native American chick just faded in and out. It was pretty spooky. I wish she’d tomahawk the fuck out of all these immigrant fucks! This ain’t yer land…WHACK! Her jean jacket…I think it was a jean jacket…we’re back to the stupid fucking show now and not looking at her, and I’ve been drinking, so I already don’t remember what she’s wearing even though she just faded in like a second ago. Either way, I think it could use some bedazzling, AND, this is so good so get ready, AND, on the back…an airbrushed peace pipe! Thank you. I’d buy THAT jacket at the flea market! I was originally going to say the jacket was cool but now it sucks because I know what could be. Eddie Van Halen and her potato-bug-headed little brother and babbling and babbling…why won’t a fucking missile hit my living room? No…why the FUCK does he have a bullhorn? No reason for that. If that were my kid, I would’ve aborted him. That’s what stairs and doorknobs were made for! End of story, end of problem. I got 99 problems but a baby ain’t one!

What is with all the denim? Fuckin’ Canadian Tuxedos all up in this biiiiitch like cray. Here she goes again…spooky. Her red dress is ugly, and I think she’s been farting it up in there, because clearly something was stank judging by everyone’s stink-reaction! How does hair like that stay upon one’s head in such a fashion? Her hair looks part mullet, part miner’s helmet with a light on the front, and honestly, I’m so mesmerized by it, I can barely pay attention to this weird kid and the inbred foreigny folks from next door with all the violin music and inbred awkwardness. Jesus! Hit a survivor’s meeting, will ya? Your inferiority is distracting! This is the type of family that makes you think that eugenics is a good idea. For fuck sake, goths, go back to the club! Some of us are drunk and trying to figure out what this stupid bitch with the hair, mom with the pantsuit, and the lesbianic little brother are trying to do or figure out, or even what is happening at all. There is no plot. No storyline. Just desolation. So far, nothing makes any butt-fucking sense. No surprise there, I reckon!

She talks like this is a phone sex line from 1985. Her accent seems completely made up…I’ve never heard anything like it. It is not beautiful. Voila! A freezer. Maybe some vintage TV dinners are in there. We should be so lucky. OHHHHH…I get it! These stupid dicks are vampires, and I guess that accent is…Transylvanian? That’s why it sounds unfamiliar (yeah, that’s the reason). This dude fucks kids…just sayin. I mean, I haven’t seen it. But c’mon…look at him.

That flashlight looks like it hurts. I think that girl was shitting in the garage. She was squatted down like, “Yeah, I hit the all-you-can-eat country buffet the last three nights like a boss! And I straight up don’t give a fuck!” then boom. Get the shovel. My kind of chick. Uh-ohhhh…the vamp-fam is home early, or not. I wish he’d hit her with that baseball bat. That’d be a show. Not a horror show, though, just a better show. I can’t believe there is more to this. This is still going on. Father Time is a cunt. Chick Eddie Van Halen was just all cock-mouthed…I s’pose that means she has a dastardly idea. I still don’t really know what’s going on, other than the possibility that this weird incestuous brother and sister duo are about to commit murder for that guy that kids commit murder for on the internet because they have overactive, bored-as-fuck, imaginations. Who was he, again? The stick man? Mr. Sticks? Cthulhu? Skinny Buddy? Whatevs. Even their imaginations lack imagination. Oh, this kid thinks he’s about to puke. So am I…for a multitude of completely different reasons though. Fuck that kid. Grow a pair, fuck-o. Vampires are about to suck blood through the side of your balls like a blood sponge while hackin’ off your tally-whacker for grillin’!

A basement can be freaky, especially when it’s got two kids in it guilty of breaking and entering whilst an inbred vampire wanders around aimlessly, desperately trying to find the plot. I think he’s going to fuck those kids, but don’t quote me on it. There’s that accent again. Apparently, their “jobs” switched their schedules at the last minute. Don’t you hate that? I mean sometimes it works in your favor though, and you’re like, “Oh, I don’t have to use a sick day for that stupid suburban zombie bullshit thing my sister-in-law is throwing at the thing,” and then you’re all like, “Alriiiiight, turning a negatiiiive into a positiiiiive. A day off and free driiiiinks!” Now that’s using your noodle! Dude, that vampire just said “ciao,” and now Van Halen is all pissy and shitty. Clean up your crotch and shut up, bitch! Someone go to the supermarket and grab the most expensive shitty invention by Swiffer because this chick has been farting and pissing and shitting her stonewashed jeans like a newborn who’s been drinking bacon grease from a bottle. You’re lucky it’s the 90’s because you’d be tazed and fucked up the ass to death in the street by police nowadays for that snarky shit, and it wouldn’t be nice, and you wouldn’t like it very much!

These fireside get-togethers are very suspiciously ethnically diverse in a let’s-cover-our-ass-for-TV kind of way. Don’t want to piss off the viewers…you know, THAT brain trust. Do you think it was a good or bad thing to cast this like that back then? Anybody? I don’t know. I don’t give a shit. All people are completely fucked as illustrated by seven seasons of this bullshit. Seven? I’ll check Wikipedia later, probably not though. Oh my fucking God…it’s over, and nothing at all followable happened. I don’t even understand how we arrived at the credits…they sort of just started to happen. This is how our entire generation became drug addicts. We are all fucked in the head, and I solely blame this show. Look at me…I’m drinking, and I didn’t even watch this shit, growing up.

Ugh this again.. am I seriously going to get through…what? Six? Seven seasons? (pt 1)

11/05/2014

IAMRICKSEE joined me in my little watch-review-along thingy, for Are You Afraid of the Dark, season 01, Episode 8. I shall post them separately, and you can enjoy them thusly.

Blondie makes a point for once, and the other guy has very fluffy nineties hair. Tonight the future lesbian tells the tale, and it’s called:

“The Tale of the Nightly Neighbors” (they have weird video game music playing here)

Kid shoveling popcorn into his monkey-shaped gullet. Overly-nineties sister looks like she’s going to grow up to eat out Rosie O’donnell. She’s wearing a fucking blazer for fuck’s sake. WITH shoulder pads!

Spying on the new neighbors. Oh Jesus, now she’s wearing a men’s dress shirt. OMG the neighbors are from Ukraine! NOBODY CARES! Listen, if the weird new neighbors want their real dolls in the driveway if nobody is home when they’re delivered, thats their business, theirs and theirs alone.

The mailman is as weak as a kitten.

I'm as weak as a kitten.

I’m as weak as a kitten.

The neighbors only come out at night, they sound like reasonable people. Still, they let their sticky-looking little parasite roam the neighborhood unattended like a confused albino hobo.

The neighbors are coming to taunt her with fog machines and fake fangs. Man, does this chick’s wardrobe ever improve at all? This kid looks like he’d jerk off his pets when his parents are at TJ Max.

“There’s only one explanation… our neighbors are vampires” is a sentence you don’t hear often, but when you do it is entertaining. Uh Oh Emma is going to investigate the possible vampire neighbors. She seems to know her shit, basing it mostly on late 80’s vampire movie philosophy. I wonder if Corey Feldman is going to show up, all cracked out, MC Hammer pants waving in the night breeze.

She’s in their basement now, that rotten little hussy. Hey, the neighbors came to visit the rednecky kid with the rat-tail looking hair. It’s like a mullet that cries out for a rat tail. This girl is an idiot, looking for coffins in her neighbor’s basement. That mouse was so clearly fake! This kid’s face is on crooked, seriously crooked. I feel like this chick grew up to do porn, I feel like I’ve seen her with several dozen cocks all up in her shit before.

Don’t vorry Dayday… what the fuck kind of name is Dayday? I guess the kind of name a crooked-faced mullet-having redneck nineties-kid might have. The people are clearly home now but the kids don’t seem like they’re doing a very good job being scared of getting caught in the basement. Somehow there is a jump and now they are suddenly in their own house again, good thing they made that daring escape from the angry vampires, without showing us any of it.

I like how two sticks tied together around their neck is supposed to protect them from creatures who drink blood to survive and essentially live forever.

Jesus Christ it took a long time for someone to finally go into the fucking basement. The vampire neighbors are dressed like Depeche Mode rejects. Their coffins play 80’s synth-pop when you open the lid. Her ass looks like a depressed walrus in those jeans.

Yeah, who wouldn’t let random strangers store blood in their murder room for the hospital? Thats a hospital I’d feel safe at. I feel like somehow everyone in this episode ends up being a lesbian in real life.

I want to punch the little kid right in his dumb mouth. Ugh, why do people try to rhyme things at times when it isn’t necessary?

I declare this meeting of the midnight society closed
until next time, pleasant dreams everyone.