Archive for 03/22/2012

COUNTERPOINT

03/22/2012

WELL WELL

I came here to write something so as to satiate Sarah’s drooling readership after hearing no response for sometime from her and assuming she had run off to Peru to finally live out her dreams of being a humble coffee bean thief but it appears my threats have been answered. Lesson here is: Threats work. Use them often and vehemently. Be it with friends, family, co-workers, parents or children, rest assured they will attain the results you desire eventually. If the cops become involved, blame it on the internet. That being said, as I am here anyways I might as well write something, thereby pushing dear Sarah’s recent post down into the oblivion of old posts and regaling mine to the shining, lustrous top of the shit gold pile. El Saraho has stumbled upon quite an intriguing topic, that of the horrendous and unwavering decimation of our species by the advent of the internet. Who knows what you’d be doing right now if it weren’t for this soul sucking machine. Probably watching TV spending time with family and friends, reading text books in order to better yourself or be out in the community offering a helping hand to the less fortunate who surround us. Or most likely sitting around, jerking off while having vivid fantasies of having under-aged girls shit on your chest, all the while thinking, there is something seriously wrong with me (for the record there is, even if there are a hundred thousand websites devoted to it). Because the internet didn’t invent these types of people. Dudes weren’t content with missionary sex with their spouse with the lights off while they pray to their God not to smite them because they had a flashing thought of that women at the general store who seemed as though she may have looked at them in a sultry way for a split second while they’re balls deep in their loving wife. People didn’t start making up stupid, unfunny shit once broadband came around.

The same stupid jokes would have just been passed around to their circle of friends via notes and poorly told stories otherwise, and while you could argue that at least it wouldn’t be so far reaching if we weren’t all so “connected”, it doesn’t excuse the fact that all these assholes still existed prior to 56k. The truth is, the internet has merely brought all of these scumfucks together and allowed them the feeling that they are not alone, and that it’s okay to put on a gas mask and have a fat woman fart into the air intake tube while they breathe in deeply. Which I firmly believe is a lot better than having them leering around me on the subway on the day they finally burst and start raping everything, including myself. I’m too handsome to be raped. I could prove that with science. But I won’t here. Catch my upcoming segment on TED for that dissertation.

The interwebs also weed out the weak and talentless from our already waaayyy past capacity population, as the very people Sarah lambasted previously will be harangued and ridiculed by countless web jockeys to the point of utter and complete despair, spiraling them down from having their false sense of pride in their pathetic “abilities” to a ever-gnawing wish to be floating face down in the river Styx. This would have otherwise gone unchecked had they only friends to perform for. Friends would feel too bad to rebuke and chide them for their awful, awful, awful attempts at entertainment, but the anonymous and vicious web patrons have no connection to these monstrous idiots, and are comfortable saying things that are so brutal and harrowing that they should be brought up on charges and tried at the Hague. Which ends in the countless and ever welcomed suicides we are told about in various news stories which usually contain a cautionary message to be nicer to these fat inept asshats. But really, look who just saved the planet another walking consumption machine who deserves our derision based on nothing more than the fact that they can’t sing/form coherent thoughts/lose weight? You did, internet goers!! Congratulations to you!

Sure their untimely end leaves behind devastation, depression and self-loathing at the end of their poorly tied ropes for their relatives and friends, but hey, those people should have been better at being relatives and friends and told them not to post such bogus shit to begin with. Epic fail on their part, amirite?

Hey, starcoochie, wanna eat some cumquats and talk about space magic?

03/22/2012

It’s been a long fucking time. And despite Krank’s multiple insistences on me updating this site, including threats, I have neglected you all, my waning, readers. But now I am here, ready to satiate your need for pointless articles talking shit about people that don’t know I exist. Now, I realize that my absence has lead to many of you quitting the interwebs altogether, and I don’t blame you, without my guidance, what could you possibly have done, otherwise? And I’m proud of you, because the internet is ruining you, and you aren’t even aware it’s happening. ARE YOU?!

Pure shit travels across the internet and into peoples’ brain meats so fast, they don’t even realize they’re being completely ruined. Do you think without the internet you’d really have some stupid obsession with multiples of the following:

1. zombie apocalypses
2. bacon
3. things being “epic” (almost always used in the wrong context)
4. using the word “fail” constantly, or the worst offender “epic fail”
5. blahlbhalbhalbh there’s too many…

Anyway, this needs to be put in check a bit. Who would you be without the internet raping your brain? DO YOU EVEN KNOW? Careful of how far into the matrix you slip and slide, because this is the kind of shit that happens when you’re finally face fucked by it:


Take these videos as a warning, people, because if you’re not careful, the internet is going to hump your leg so hard you’re going to wake up a morbidly obese juggalo with a sudden urge to sing showtunes on the internet while fucking a pillow that looks like sailor moon. Or maybe it’s just too late for you.

More to come…

oh and PS:
This site needs to be more give and take, tell me to draw you something in the comments and your wish shall be granted in an upcoming post. Also, some sort of audio addition should be added to this shitbox as well, don’t you think?

Which reminds me, mp3 of the moment has been updated, finger frickin’ lickin’ good. –>