Fetus: Now in 4D

Oh shit! Two reviews in 2 days, it’s like a Russian orgy up in this bitch! As a long term Kamen Rider fan I have been looking forward to this movie for a long time and had absolutely no hope for it at all. Kamen Rider Shin is a grass hopper man with glowing nipples who impregnates people via swimming pools. He fights some crimes and rides some helicopters. Shin’s story starts with him losing the ability to be a RRROOOAADDDDD RRAACCEEERRR and he starts to get headaches, then has a fight with that dude from Judge Dread, after a brief bout of fisticuffs stuff happens and then more fisticuffs commence over the corpse of a pregnant 12 year old. Shin wins and the movie ends with his nipples glowing to bring her back to life. I can’t say anything more about this movie because I’ve already spoiled the entire plot. I recommend this movie to people who like opening .exe files and can’t wait for the sequel!

This movie had the feel of a bad 1970’s porn full of Australians, but that were Japanese. Overall it was terrible, and also pretty disgusting. There’s one guy whose face is just so hideously misshapen it’s hard to look at him properly. I mean, no matter how you look at him, it always feels like it’s not from the correct angle, and you realize it’s because he has bulges in his head that are not really symmetrical so it makes it seem like everything about him is uneven. Like, did you ever meet someone and notice one of their eyes is slightly lower than the other, and then no matter how much you try, you can’t stop noticing it? Or when a girl has one boob that is massively larger than the other, and you wonder if she knows how noticeable it is? Then you keep staring, and you don’t even really mean to, but you keep thinking about it so you have to keep checking to make sure that what you see still connects to all the fucked up thoughts you’re having about the deformities, and you’re not just starting to let your mind run away with itself, and making things up that aren’t based on the cold hard facts? Well, you don’t have to worry about that last one in this movie, anyway, because there were no boobs in this movie, at all. There were deformed faces, though, so keep an eye out for that.