Archive for August, 2011

Would you like some star shine with that octopus pie?

Sunday, August 21st, 2011

It’s been a long time since I did a rambly drug-induced update like back in the good ole’ days. I don’t have much to talk about; As of writing this update, I have not yet been raped by a dolphin. I stay far away from the water, and was told that they can only flip-flop a bit onto land. I don’t believe all the rumors going around that some have small legs and walk right out of the ocean, they look sort of like walking grey bananas. They only have one thing on their mind, and that is to seek out helpless humans and dolphin-rape them into next summer.

So yeah, don’t have to worry about that, I know how to stay safe. Right now, it’s sort of like my head is floating just above my body and everything around me looks like it’s floating sort of like balloons, too.

Hi, I just stand around in this dream being useless, I don't try to save anyone, I'm just a cock.

Oh yeah, and that Cartoon All-Stars whatever the hell it was called, gave me nightmares. I’m not sure what the fuck, but here’s basically what I remember: someone died inside this temple sort of place and the people I was with were there and the dead person was being put in a hole and where ever we were, it wasnt really -our- place to be, we were intruders somehow, and I was fighting with everyone because something was off, like the person was killed in some way or something was about to happen that was wrong and I was trying to make the people I was with listen to reason but they were just fuckers. At some point there was some rogue fucker that shrunk down and got out of the temple place and was ran out and was somewhere on the grounds and was out to kill. and I said fuck this and grabbed a gun to shoot through the windows, because I knew roughly where the tiny person had run to, but something was wrong with the gun, I dont remember what, so I said fuck that and grabbed this really long gun thing that shot these white, pointy sort of not really darts, I dont know how to describe them…

Anyway there were a bunch of people in the temple too, and they were sort of lined up against the walls, pissed, and wanting us to leave, kind of, like someone did something not okay and we were being blamed. Oh yeah, and during the part where the dead person was in the hole, the guy who played the elf in LOTR was one of the people standing there, and he just got back from somthing and I think I was trying to tell him about the plans that people had to fuck us all up but the person standing next to me wanted to go stand by him because they wanted him or something retarded, and I was tring to get everyone to realize that bad things were going to happen.

I stole this picture from somewhere google image sent me to. Do you want these guys lined up and ready to eat your face?

So then there was what I think was maybe a hidden back room sort of area, and there were tons of characters from stupid old shows, all in costumes, but it was really them, even though there were multiples of the same characters, like tons of ninja turtles and stuff, and they were all against the walls sort of yelling stuff at us in the middle of the room and I was going around the room looking at all of them and people were screaming “MURDERER! MURDERER!” over and over again, but I’m not sure where that was coming from, I just remember there was an iminent sense of danger, and then someone saying that by some point we had to gtfo because the temple would be burned.

fuck that dream.

new mp3 of the moment is up—>

and the week of reviews continues…

Monday, August 15th, 2011

…with two (very) short films that you can watch now by clicking the banners below:

Joe:
This week we are breaking all the rules, like some kind of rule breaking bad asses! Not only are we reviewing two movies but they are also good films! I know everyone just likes to see us suffer but fuck you and your whale impregnation stories! Oktapodi is an animated short about 2 OCTOPUSES that get get seperated and have to go on a long car chase to save each other. The animation is excellent and the music fits nicely. It is an enjoyable 2 minute romp looking at the world of Octopi love not involving Japanese women’s vaginas. I recommend this movie to adults who enjoy bright colours and being reminded of Devil may cry 2, Counter strike and Half life 2.

Sarah:
I love OCTOPI, and super colorful awesome ones in love are even better. I will also take this opportunity to point out that I refuse to pluralize octopus as “octopuses”, it will always be “octopi” to me, even though, if we want to get very technical, the absolutely, one hundred percent grammatically correct way of pluralizing the word is octopodes. So put that in your pipes and smoke it, just make sure that when you do, you do it outside, because smoked octopus doesn’t smell very good, so it’s better if you do it where there’s a light breeze that can carry the stink over to your neighbor’s house. Also, this movie was awesome, clearly the best we’ve seen in quite a long while, too bad it wasn’t longer. I hope I have dream about this and no more nightmares about the ninja turtles.

Joe:
CL!CK: A LEGO short film may have the title of a 12 year old script kiddy but is the perfect stop motion movie. It tells an excellent story about an eccentric man trying to discover human flight, brilliantly capturing the excitement of both lego and science, even touching on the child like wonderment of discovering new things. I would recommend this movie to everyone who isn’t a paedophile or an asshole, they don’t deserve this kind of movie. Which is probably why tomorrow we will be back to reviewing bullshit like Terror Toons instead of miniature master pieces of mustache untwirling goodness like this.

Sarah:
I’ve never played with/owned LEGO in my life, and for some reason it seems like I’m completely obsessed with them. I think I visit their website for one reason or another at least once a week, I want the god damned mechanical LEGO AT-AT so bad my eyeballs will one day explode from the desire that will never be fulfilled, and can’t really seem to get enough shitty LEGO shows/episodes/random stuff they come out with in game/show/whatever form on their site and television (also known as the internets). So with that being said, this movie basically encompasses the awesomeness that is LEGO mixed with the *magic* of imagination and creativity. Basically, it’s something you’d never imagine we’d actually review because everything we watch is shit, but hey, surprise surprise.

fuck. this.

Saturday, August 13th, 2011

Sarah:
I hated this movie so much that it literally made me angry the longer I watched it. This is the kind of shit that happens when people in California are so desperate to be famous they’ll jump in front of any camera pointed at them. The little girl is played by a woman with giant fake tits, and apparently that’s okay too, because hey, nothing creepy or wrong with someone pretending they’re around six years old and being the film’s token slut, as long as they’re all grown up and can afford their very own plastic tits. Here is my review of this piece of shit, pick one thing from each of the lists, whatever your result is, that is infinitely better than this movie. The end.

Joe:
This film is brain ticklingly shit. Even the whores only there to get their tits out are men cross dressing. If this is the quality of Youtube movies, I’m glad I’m only watching the Nigerian porn films on there.

Jesus invented the balloon…

Saturday, August 13th, 2011

Anddddddddd the week of reviews continues DUN Dun dunnn…

Joe:
Today we watched an excellent documentary by Louis Theroux, who was working for the BBC television network. As a Christmas special Louie collected together three people from past episodes and tried to get them to know each other better. One is a smarmy porn star (who I’ve never seen in porn), one is a right wing Christian who tries to seduce people into Christianity with bumper stickers and balloons and the final person is a weird homeless mountain guy who needs to cut his goddamn beard. Over the course of the episode they goto a porn shoot, a recording session and launch some balloons away from New York in attempt to convert New Yorkers to Christianity. Louie performs up to par as always and delivers a strong and (boob) touching documentary. I especially enjoyed the part where they contacted an alien time traveling radio signal to help guide them towards a better life, it was a beautiful scene that really filled me with the spirit of Christmas and much joy. I would encourage everyone to watch this and every other documentary Louie has made, it’s a better use or your time than Spookymeat or my website. Merry Christmas everyone!

Sarah:
Spookymeat has always been the number one place to go for Christmas, so this year we are celebrating with the best, most christmassy of all christmas anythings ever. I suggest watching this one, and then all the other “Weird Weekend” episodes as well, over and over, because they’re ten times better than any of the other crap we review, and probably the only thing we will ever review that doesn’t risk making people suicidal after having seen it, or giving them weird dreams about puppets eating bacon women that have chicken-pecked penis issues, and sock worms infesting their cat-mutilated ninja turtle intestines. So, why is this the greatest Christmas anything ever, you ask? (Okay, you didn’t really ask that, I guess, but you’re getting an answer anyway) A grizzled hippie falls in love with a singing hooker, a guy channels an alien from a parallel universe who also happens to be god (*cough sputter sputter* THIS IZZZZZ CENTRAAALLL CONTROLLLL *snort snort* THISSS IZZZZ CENTRALLL CONTROLLLLL), and a guy that spreads the word of our lord and savior by way of balloons with phone numbers to his voice mail on it (wanna go to heaven: CALL 1-800-252-LORD), and last, certainly least, (because he’s a whiny cock bag spoiled little bitch) is a porn star guy that doesn’t really belong there, but I think is just because his stupid, stuck up, bullshit attitude is amusing when he doesn’t get his way, and cries like a bitch. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

something about balls…

Thursday, August 11th, 2011

Our week of reviews continues with a lovely little animated whosiwhatsit from the early 90’s. And you don’t even have to download it, you can watch it on youtube by clicking the banner. So go watch it, you filthy drug addict.

Pig Fucker Joe:
Welcome back to Sarah’s haunted meat hole. Today we watched an anti-drug propaganda movie staring cartoon characters from the early 90s. I don’t even know where to start with this movie, it involved talking ducks, an alien, a ghost and a turtle telling people not to do drugs. But surely if smoking pot makes all your toys come to life like it’s toy story, ever kids doing to be wanting some push……. I cannot continue this review, I have a full size Miss Piggy in a bikini statue in my bed and a bag of pot to smoke. Wish me luck, I’m going balls deep in bacon flavoured snatch! 4/7 rim jobs.

[Something Derogatory] Sarah:
This was a really long animated acid trip about a kid who sees early 90’s pop culture icons when he does coke in the back room of arcades with his crack addict buddies. It’s important to note that according to this film, smoking pot poses harsher risks than walking knee deep in raw sewage with giant talking turtles. At some point Tigger gets into the angeldust (like always), and we don’t really see him again until the end, when he turns up looking for more, and it really is a surprise to nobody that Garfield spends the entire film high and craving lasagna. Overall I’d say that the characters warning about drug use all show clear signs of being drug addicts. I’d recommend this to anyone wanting to know what types of drugs their children’s toys are taking. It’s an eye-opener.

Fetus: Now in 4D

Thursday, August 11th, 2011

Joe:
Oh shit! Two reviews in 2 days, it’s like a Russian orgy up in this bitch! As a long term Kamen Rider fan I have been looking forward to this movie for a long time and had absolutely no hope for it at all. Kamen Rider Shin is a grass hopper man with glowing nipples who impregnates people via swimming pools. He fights some crimes and rides some helicopters. Shin’s story starts with him losing the ability to be a RRROOOAADDDDD RRAACCEEERRR and he starts to get headaches, then has a fight with that dude from Judge Dread, after a brief bout of fisticuffs stuff happens and then more fisticuffs commence over the corpse of a pregnant 12 year old. Shin wins and the movie ends with his nipples glowing to bring her back to life. I can’t say anything more about this movie because I’ve already spoiled the entire plot. I recommend this movie to people who like opening .exe files and can’t wait for the sequel!

Sarah:
This movie had the feel of a bad 1970’s porn full of Australians, but that were Japanese. Overall it was terrible, and also pretty disgusting. There’s one guy whose face is just so hideously misshapen it’s hard to look at him properly. I mean, no matter how you look at him, it always feels like it’s not from the correct angle, and you realize it’s because he has bulges in his head that are not really symmetrical so it makes it seem like everything about him is uneven. Like, did you ever meet someone and notice one of their eyes is slightly lower than the other, and then no matter how much you try, you can’t stop noticing it? Or when a girl has one boob that is massively larger than the other, and you wonder if she knows how noticeable it is? Then you keep staring, and you don’t even really mean to, but you keep thinking about it so you have to keep checking to make sure that what you see still connects to all the fucked up thoughts you’re having about the deformities, and you’re not just starting to let your mind run away with itself, and making things up that aren’t based on the cold hard facts? Well, you don’t have to worry about that last one in this movie, anyway, because there were no boobs in this movie, at all. There were deformed faces, though, so keep an eye out for that.

my eyeballs can’t even focus anymore…

Wednesday, August 10th, 2011

HEY GUYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS, it’s meeeeeeeeee, Sarahhhhhhhhh, totally here with another review, a week late, and chock full of mutants. Are you people LISTENING???

Joe:
Welcome back to the shitfest that is Spookyhamsandwich’s movie reviews. Today we are reviewing a French film by the name of Nescafe Gold blend. This is an advertisement about deformed people doing palour tricks while molemen plot to steal their chicken feed. The plot makes no sense, but it has mole people, French asians and a sense of justice only matched by men crossdressing in spandex and standing in a line with fireworks exploding behind them. I would recommend you take your coffee with milk, 2 sugars and some biscuits. Rich tea is always a standard issue biscuit and will dunk well, but I think something a bit lighter would suit this one better. Nice biscuits are quite nice and would do the job nicely. As a biscuit expert (aka I know what the word means and eat a lot of them), I would like to encourage more people to use the combo of mole people and biscuits. In fact I’m calling you retards with video cameras out, make a live action film about mole people trying to steal biscuits in a post apocalyptic world and I will buy the collector’s edition DVD. The advert also has some creepy clowns, suicide scenes, fictional mental illnesses and an elephant waving its trunk like a shemale’s cock. I give this film 2 dips of my biscuit and a little shake, then I swallow the whole mess.

Sarah:
This movie had some stuff in it, like panties, cannibals, and French people. It was also a love story between an almost-midget circus clown and a girl with an elongated forehead. This is the kind of movie you watch and when it’s done, you feel like you’ve missed something, even though you haven’t. That feeling starts to creep in around the time the aforementioned sewer-dwelling mole men show up, and doesn’t really end until far after the cannibal butcher throws a boomerang knife and stabs himself in the face. Overall I’d say this movie is perfect for anyone trying to convince others that playing the saw as a musical instrument is awesome. Things are starting to get sort of -outerspacey- now, so I’d better stop typing.