Your ass is looser than that slapper from Sex and the City.

Joe:
Last week myself and Sarah were too busy taking drugs and watching Christian educational puppet based TV to review a movie from some dead end soviet country. So instead you get a double review this week of Crank and Crank : High voltage. I liked the bit where there was violence and people wearing rubber masks. I found it disappointing they didn’t combine the sex scenes with this scene because I would very much enjoy seeing two grown men wearing giant masks of their own faces having sex among a scale model of a power station, while some bimbo flashes her muff at the camera. I would recommend this movie to no one, because you unwashed dick holes don’t even let us know you’re reading our reviews, so like the ungrateful lesbian that I am, I’m throwing a hissy fit, no one is giving me complements or feedback on my clearly terrible life choices and blame all men for everything including my incestuous origins and all criminal charges relating.

Sarah:
There was a part with a fancy elevator; I wish my room had the same walls as the elevator. Things are getting a little Twin Peaksy up in this movie, which I completely approve of, except there’s no midget in a red suit. Ironically enough, this movie was hard for me to watch because of how drugged I am, and how much the druggedness was affecting my ability to keep my eyeballs open. This guy’s girlfriend is an annoying slutbag, she’s overly stupid, what’s the point? The noise of his wet, sloshy eyeballs blinking in the first minute of the second movie is sort of gross, because it makes me think of weird, nasty things like his eyeball being made of something mushy, like sort of a jell-o eye, or a ground raw meat eye, that gets squished when he blinks. This movie also has a helicopter.

PS
If you’re a video game aficionado, check out SpaceHax, our latest endeavor. Cheers!