Archive for 07/25/2011

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07/25/2011

So we decided to do a special little review that was a little longer than the normal ones. Think of it as a season finale, and while Vampire’s Kiss should truly be the season finale for anything ever (what with being the greatest movie of all time, and all), we changed it up, and bring to you a sordid tale of violent furries and tiny, tiny… er….. dancers?

Joe:
Tiny people VS weird men in costumes is a film far beyond our ability to review. After many hours of meditation and some kinky sex games, we finally sat down to watch this thing together. I must say this movie features an all star cast and the acting is excellent, with the exception of Ron Jeremy, who is for all intents and purposes, a giant cock. The plot in this movie leaves much to be desired and is mostly just there to move from one instance of Gary Coleman being violent to the next.

Having said this, it is an excellent movie that is sure to not disappoint. The antics of the Sherrif and many of the midgets are not to be denied, they would not be out of place at the Royal Albert Theatre or at some kind of intergalatic trial debating the worth of humanity before we were EX-TERM-I-NATED (get it, Doctor who references are so in this season!). I find I quite enjoyed watching a midget try to rape another one of their deformed sub race, it reminded me of last Thursday when I tried to do the same thing to Sarah, we found this extremely difficult because neither of us are midgets, so midget rape may not have been the best wedding gift in hind sight. I would recommend this movie to people who want to watch a movie involving Midgets and Mascots, it is well made, contains some minor incest and many many midgets. I give this movie 5 out of ten, I would give it ten out of 10 but that would imply humanity is worth saving and quite frankly, I don’t think you are.

Sarah:
This movie has midgets and it has mascots. I’m pretty sure the midget the movie sort of centered on was the creepy guy from Twin Peaks, but I second guess that a bit, because that was a long time ago, and I feel like he would have aged a lot more since then. If I actually cared, I’d look it up, but I don’t. In this movie a competition is taking place in which the games are grossly favorable to the mascots side, as there is just no way that the midgets’ very tiny bodies could accomplish the tasks required to score.

As Joe mentioned, it also has a lot of Gary Coleman being Gary Coleman. He basically got paid to just do and say what he’d normally do/say, and have it filmed. I doubt he even knew what the movie was about or read a script, they just stuck him in the scenes and told them to “be himself”. Throughout the movie, the viewer is taken on a beautiful journey, and given the chance to see a lovely relationship blossom between a very small, but weirdly shaped neurotic woman, and a Chinese immigrant homesick for the family he left behind in order to work for a porn star guy that has lots of money and creepy sex. By the end of the film, you’re left having to ask yourself some hard questions. Things like “why did I watch this”, and “what kind of person am I for having downloaded this movie”, and lastly “where does this rank on the creepy scale when compared to dicks being chicken-pecked, guys getting eaten by their cats, and pus bubbles that come to life to fuck your wife”. You’re going to have to look yourself in the mirror and figure out those answers for yourself. Oh yeah, I give this movie four out of ten space bears, just because.

Also, new mp3 of the moment up over yonder —->

Also, also… A plethora of new Spacehax videos are up, this being the latest of the bunch. Come be space friends with us.

Tricks he will do when children appear, and how they laugh when he’s near!

07/15/2011

Cockgobbly, the wayward dolphin

So, in the hopes of trying to break up the review posts with a post from me in some other form, I have had an open text document sitting here for days now, waiting for me to write something about nothing in order to post. So basically every time I click on the textedit thing, forgetting that document is in hiding, I get to randomly be reminded when big black letters appear on my screen saying “TEN REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD RAPE A DOLPHIN”, and unfortunately, even though I didn’t actually finish the list, when the power went out the other day, I lost whatever reasons I had, and can now only remember “It takes a second to rape a dolphin, but leaves a lifetime of memories”. I assume that any other reason for violating blowholes ranks far lower than this reason, so I guess losing the document wasn’t the greatest of losses.

Dolphins are creepy, perma-grinning, sociopathic stalker gang rapists. Seriously, look that shit up. They’re also intelligent to the point where some scientists and researchers want them classified as non-human persons with the same rights, and should not be held captive in aquariums and the like. That means they know exactly what they’re doing, those clever little fuckers. They don’t just hunt down and rape other dolphins, they are also notorious for raping people that unknowingly float their asses out into the ocean thinking that flipper is just coming over for a quick kiss and a how-do-ya-do? (not very well, apparently, because you’re now being raped by a dolphin).

The point is, if you have an affinity for the ocean, and for whatever reason decide that these warnings aren’t enough to scare you away from the water forever, exiling yourself to safety on land with the rest of the -human- sociopaths, at least until dolphins grow legs and take over, then I suggest taking an offensive approach to the problem, seek them out, tie their flippers up, and proactively violate the chicken of the sea. Oh, and one other thing, via having found this quote, “In 1991 an English man was prosecuted for allegedly having sexual contact with a dolphin. The man was found not guilty after it was revealed at trial that the dolphin was known to tow bathers through the water by hooking its large penis around them.“, I would also suggest you stop letting them tow your stupid asses around with their enormous cocks.

Your ass is looser than that slapper from Sex and the City.

07/12/2011

Joe:
Last week myself and Sarah were too busy taking drugs and watching Christian educational puppet based TV to review a movie from some dead end soviet country. So instead you get a double review this week of Crank and Crank : High voltage. I liked the bit where there was violence and people wearing rubber masks. I found it disappointing they didn’t combine the sex scenes with this scene because I would very much enjoy seeing two grown men wearing giant masks of their own faces having sex among a scale model of a power station, while some bimbo flashes her muff at the camera. I would recommend this movie to no one, because you unwashed dick holes don’t even let us know you’re reading our reviews, so like the ungrateful lesbian that I am, I’m throwing a hissy fit, no one is giving me complements or feedback on my clearly terrible life choices and blame all men for everything including my incestuous origins and all criminal charges relating.

Sarah:
There was a part with a fancy elevator; I wish my room had the same walls as the elevator. Things are getting a little Twin Peaksy up in this movie, which I completely approve of, except there’s no midget in a red suit. Ironically enough, this movie was hard for me to watch because of how drugged I am, and how much the druggedness was affecting my ability to keep my eyeballs open. This guy’s girlfriend is an annoying slutbag, she’s overly stupid, what’s the point? The noise of his wet, sloshy eyeballs blinking in the first minute of the second movie is sort of gross, because it makes me think of weird, nasty things like his eyeball being made of something mushy, like sort of a jell-o eye, or a ground raw meat eye, that gets squished when he blinks. This movie also has a helicopter.

PS
If you’re a video game aficionado, check out SpaceHax, our latest endeavor. Cheers!