Archive for 06/29/2011

dazzling designer cock strap and baby bonnet…

06/29/2011

Hello people, we are a day late, and you are all squirming with anticipation. This movie needed no subtitles, unless you’re a cock who is bad with accents, in which case, you should use subtitles. Enjoy!

Joe:
This is an excellent episode of Doctor Who featuring Richard E. Grant as the Doctor before he got retconned out of history. The Doctor finds himself with a new companion, a talking capitalist boil that proceeds to take over his body, fuck his wife, and then smash his balls against a large horse before the film ends. I believe the script was originally written for Nicholas Cage to take over as the Doctor, but since he was busy filming Vampire’s Kiss (the greatest movie ever), he had to turn down the role. I would not recommend this movie to any body, I would suggest watching Vampire’s Kiss instead, at Sarah’s house, as she now owns it on DVD, and wants to throw a twilight themed pool party last weekend.


Sarah:
This movie was about a guy who loses his shit over having bad skin. He’s not okay with meat-eating vegans, and he sure as fuck doesn’t want bald guys going without their shampoo. There’s a bit of an inner conflict that materializes in the form of anthropomorphized bubonic plague which likes to fuck, a lot. One of the things that I think will stay with me about this movie is the overuse of pastels; it’s the 80’s and they’re everywhere, but when you’re trying to pay attention to an ever-enlargening talking pus bubble, they could be a bit distracting. Especially when it’s selling you things you know you can’t live without, like cigarettes, fish fingers, and hydrogen bombs. I have to say that overall I whole-heartedly agree with Joe on this one, and suggest you go and watch Vampire’s Kiss immediately.

Hey, guess what?

06/29/2011


No new review this Tuesday, try not to weep yourself into dehydration, folks. Instead click the link and go laugh at those fuckers, instead.

Dreams from the woods…

06/22/2011

Well, well, looks like it’s Wednesday, officially one day late on the reviews, and at least three weeks before I broke my promise to you gentle, kind-hearted blood buckets. But I have a good excuse, a review wasn’t on time yesterday because I and/or Joe was busy with :insert lie here about one of us doing something really important: and couldn’t find time to finish one up. So, we brought you a super long movie to make up for it. Okay, that was also a lie, it’s really only eight minutes or so, but hey, if you click the pic, you can watch the whole damned thing. Cheers.


Joe:
This is a 2 dimensional furry pornorama. After a brief encounter with a sky humping skeleton a girl is impregnated by some kind of weird space bird. At first it seems like solid wank fodder, but quickly changes as you come to recognize the music. Moments later you are flooded with the memory of your childhood encounter with Ecco the dolphin and your erection is quickly devastated as you remember how fucking creepy that little bastard is. I feel this movie is a lesson on bestiality, just because it starts with best, doesn’t mean sex with animals (even from space) is a good idea. I would recommend this movie to Sarah, because she is into that kind of thing (Bestiality, not space).

Sarah:
Drömmar från skogen is a Swedish movie about a bird that falls in love with a stick girl. She isn’t made of sticks, but she is handicapped and needs a stick to be mobile, not in a walking cane sort of way, but in a, needs to have inserted up her ass and pushed around, sort of way. My favorite character was the stalker bird, who cries bitter tears at the loss of his sweet cripple-fetish girlfriend, and sends her tons of weird anonymous messages online. She then meets up with death, who, not surprisingly, kills her, and we can only assume, uses her dead, floppy body as a breeding ground for his demonic skeleton sperm, I mean, it’s fairly obvious that’s what’s going on as the credits go. I basically recommend this movie to anyone who works at a pet shop, and also, likes stuff about whatever.

Monkey rapes human, evolution prevails…

06/14/2011

Hi peoples, look, we have been dutifully updating these every Tuesday, because we care, we care about you. You slimy, dirty chicken fuckers. Sorry about the plethora of reviews with nothing in between lately, I will add more in the coming whenevers, but I am sure you were too busy downloading and watching all of these to be reading, anyway. AAaaannnddd…. here we go:

Joe:
Alice is a movie about Janet Jackson and her dead animal friends. It starts with a rabbit going on a killing spree and ends with several dead pokemon. Through out the movie many corpses are violated and distorted into hideous represenations of her family members before finally they step up and cut off each other’s heads to stop the plastic surgery abuse. It raised many questions such as ‘Should one man have all that power?’ and ‘Is it okay to encase your child in a full body doll suit to keep her midget sized forever?’. I give this movie 6 out of 13 dead animals and recommend it to furry necrophiliacs.

Sarah:
This is Czech with English dubs, but the lips don’t sync up to either, so that’s cool. This movie is about when good puppets go bad, and how if you’re taxidermied and come back to life, it doesn’t mean you don’t have to eat your sawdust. My favorite part was when the sock caterpillar with dentures and glass eyeballs wanted to sleep and had to sew his eyes shut to do it. I recommend this mostly because I don’t feel like we should have to see all this creepy shit alone, and not necessarily because it’s good, although in this case it was. But keep in mind when it comes to judging the quality of puppets made of meat, denture wearing socks, and angry dead rabbits (with little girl voices) pulling nails out of their paws, the line between good and bad is a bit blurred.

Lost to the zone…

06/07/2011

Joe:
S.T.A.L.K.E.R. is an interactive entertainment extravaganza, based on the amazing novel by some Russian cock with a drinking problem. You start the experience watching a brief sequence where a large truck is run off the road and a man named Strelok is sent to kill himself because of a fuck up by Science. Strelok then proceeds to spend 20 hours figuring this out by which point he has already entered the nuclear reactor of Chernobyl NPP so killing himself is pointless. Along the way he meets many people and viciously murders them to take their belongings. I would recommend you have a reasonably good PC to watch this action packed multimedia package and use at least a 2 button mouse to interact with it. I would not recommend masturbating to pictures of your girlfriend wearing a gas mask and pouring vodka down her ugly saggy tits. This interactive internet solution package receives 9 out of 4 hardcores. Love to the S.T.A.L.K.E.R. massive, you guys are so hardcore I added an extra line for you. (That’s a cocaine joke, it makes me seem cooler than my white middle class roots would imply skanks).

Sarah:
Some guys want wishes granted, but I don’t remember what they want, so let’s just say guy1 wants a mansion made of golden pineapples and guy2 wants a dick that can suck itself. The keymaster knows where the wish granter is, and brings them there, but then thinks nobody should get wishes granted and wants to blow it all up, but the people who want the wishes granted decide they will just sit outside wish granter and not bother with it even though there’s no reason for them to change their mind. Keymaster is seriously fucking depressed about life and shit like that and then at some point they lie in a field and trip on crazy Russian drugs for the majority of the film. I don’t think you should watch this movie, but I feel like you need to see it anyway.