Are you afraid of weird looking kids from the nineties? Well, you should be…

HI EVERYBODY! It’s a new review of Are You Afraid of the Dark?! We certainly are moving right along through the first season, skipping merrily, and a bit handicappededly, and thwarting the insidious plans of ghouls and old women left, right, and center. So, on it goes…

S01 E04 The Tale of the Twisted Claw

Little kid sleeping in one of the tiniest beds ever, dreams of doomy death thing coming in, obviously with a smoke machine around, wakes up, guy is still there, Midnight Society screams, the story ends. wtf… Okay they start a new story, now. Ooh David, Blondie’s new bf , is going to tell one, it makes her all hot and bothered in her special place. Here goes…

It’s the night before Halloween, “the night of tricks”. Someone does something to a house, and shaving cream is involved and toilet paper, and all that jazz. Time to go to the scary house, unfortunately no robots. Anyway, Kevin is the daring on, apparently looking for adventure. He goes to the house, probably to plant bombs, or in this case put shaving cream on the front door, but lady opens door, and she gets creamed in the face. OHHOHO! Good thing her glasses were on, amIright? She laughs maniacally, rubs it all over her, and starts sucking her fingers clean.

Kevin is dressed as a bum, Doug is, I don’t know, an old guy wearing a sheet or something? They go past the house again, obviously it’s the day after the creaming incident, and decide to trick or treat there, because they’re stupid retards. Kids do the darndest things. Woman is all excited the kids came, they were the only ones that did, so she decides they deserve a “special treat”. She gives them what looks like a dead chicken’s foot in a box, but says it’s a wooden vulture claw and people get three wishes with it. She insists. Warning: BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR, YOU JUST. MIGHT. GET. IT.

OH, it moved! No it didn’t! No, it totally did! Kids in masks gang up on them, looking horrifying and sounding upset with life. Candy is stolen, angry kids on bikes, chasechasechase, but no catch. Doug wished for no more trick or treats at some point that I missed because it wasn’t important, but apparently them getting it stolen was the wish being granted.

what's up, dickheads?

Hey, you don't want that candy, do you?

In school, Kevin wants to beat kid with red hair in some sports crap, wishes, and claw thing turns green and gets all -wish granty- and then we see everyone outside what looks exactly like my old elementary school, playing something or other and smelling like dirty monkey children. There is a kid in a wheelchair with a gimp hand out on the field cheering, or at least, flailing, on the competitors which makes you feel weird for a second, as there is no real reason for people to have gotten that kind of wheelchair all the way out in the middle of the grass for that purpose.

Anyway, a tree starts growling, red hair guy falls, it’s in slow motion and all “ARRRRrrrrrrroowwwwwrrrr”, and Kevin wins the race. Oh and other kid broke his leg or some crap. Hopefully they cut it off and replace it with the dead vulture chicken talon foot thing. Two wishes down the drain, they each have two more to go. They get in an argument and Kevin displays some of the worst acting ever, which was obviously inspired by watching too many Joe Pesci movies. He wishes Doug’s parents would disappear, so they get in a car accident. Holy crap there are so many wishes to go. Okay, I have to break this down a fuck load faster…

remaining wishes:

-wishes dead grandfather was there to help them (arrives in a lovely old car, of course)
-wishes they didn’t break old woman’s vase and the incident the night before Halloween never happened. (aww, how pleasant)

Things are all back to normal, grandfather is re-dead, parents are un-accidented, other kid is unbroken, mask kids never chased them, yadda yadda you get the picture. Vase at the door, message says “trick or treat”.

Some mysterious musings, the end. OOooh campfire hooligans are sooooo scared.

I declare this meeting of the Midnight Society closed, until next time, pleasant dreams, every one.