Archive for 05/31/2011

What we do when we haven’t been raptured…

05/31/2011

Joe:
This is a film about clown rape and having hands. There was a solid midget to run time ratio and I would recommend this film to any one interested in carpentry and scoober diving. I think Christians may want to avoid this since in one scene a bunch of down syndromes on crack tried to give Jesus (while dressed as a ghos buster) their revolting disease, but he appeared to pull through it okay. I think this movie is best suited to being watched as a family, the morales and orgasms it gives are only suitable for people sharing a room with their parents and siblings. I disapprove of this movie being shot in English, I think black lingo thing is by far a superior tounge to use when raping and murdering white women.

Sarah:
I think this movie was meant to be deep, which I could either figure out or totally make up. I’ll let you figure out which I went with (it’ll surprise you). This is about a man’s soul crying out over the loss of his mother (‘s arms), and being haunted by the knowledge he couldn’t stop it, and also his circus father fucking the tattooed lady man thing. He wants to make shadow puppets with the mute deaf girl, who’s like the ghost of christmas present, and in the end he kisses his midget pal, but midget pal didn’t want to be kissed, and waves goodbye before fading into the nothingness that is his shattered life. Also, there’s a mental institution where Jesus lives in a tree, surrounded by people that have Down Syndrome. Highly recommended for your “perfect romantic comedy” list.

Click the banner above to dl and join our miserable little movie club. Have a suggestion for something you’d like us to watch, hate, and regret seeing? Let us know, cockrags. Cheers.

HEY, LISTEN!!! It’s a new Smeat section…

05/24/2011

Hey guess what, jerks? Give up? Of course you do, losers. New Spookymeat section is coming and this is the first round. Every Tuesday from now until I break my promise, me and new writer, Joe (bio in the about section forthcoming), will be reviewing one terrible, disturbing foreign movie for your stupid pleasure. One paragraph, and one picture each. We’ll also link to a place to get the movie, in case you feel like being tortured (click the pic below). (we’ll think of a name for this section soon, like, as soon as my brain stops being explodey)

Joe:
I have no idea what the plot of this movie was. It made no sense and I didn’t read half the subtitles, because I was too disturbed watching a guy fuck a saddle of pork, puke covered manboobs jiggling and a chicken attack a penis. I thought the chicken had the right idea and I would be on his side should a war break out. I would recommend this movie only if you are disturbed, turned on by ugly men fucking wooden buildings or are one of those really sick fucks into Russian BBW porn. Some dude dies at the end and it makes you stare at his penis for an entire minute. I timed this… I wish the chicken had returned to peck the shit out of that one too.

Sarah:
This movie was about a lot of things, unforunately I’m not sure what any of those things were. But I know one thing, there were lots of cock. Cocks and meat fucking and some other stuff with a guy that sewed himself into his father’s dead carcass. Lucky for you, you get to see some contraption in which a guy chops his own stupid head off, because apparently, his art is his life, or death, or some crap. Also, people like to eat a lot in this movie, like, massive, horrifying amounts of disgusting crap that will make you swear off food for life, which is ironic, because you all know that Hungarians are starving, poor bastards that can’t afford rooms full of potatoes and chocolate bars. Cheers! *pukes*

I pray the lord my soul to ignore…

05/17/2011

Oh, PS…
Remember when I used to post the screenshots of the moment and the mp3 of the day like six years ago (which never changed daily), well, here’s the mp3 thing back again, download that way —->

Are you afraid of weird looking kids from the nineties? Well, you should be…

05/12/2011

HI EVERYBODY! It’s a new review of Are You Afraid of the Dark?! We certainly are moving right along through the first season, skipping merrily, and a bit handicappededly, and thwarting the insidious plans of ghouls and old women left, right, and center. So, on it goes…

S01 E04 The Tale of the Twisted Claw

Little kid sleeping in one of the tiniest beds ever, dreams of doomy death thing coming in, obviously with a smoke machine around, wakes up, guy is still there, Midnight Society screams, the story ends. wtf… Okay they start a new story, now. Ooh David, Blondie’s new bf , is going to tell one, it makes her all hot and bothered in her special place. Here goes…

It’s the night before Halloween, “the night of tricks”. Someone does something to a house, and shaving cream is involved and toilet paper, and all that jazz. Time to go to the scary house, unfortunately no robots. Anyway, Kevin is the daring on, apparently looking for adventure. He goes to the house, probably to plant bombs, or in this case put shaving cream on the front door, but lady opens door, and she gets creamed in the face. OHHOHO! Good thing her glasses were on, amIright? She laughs maniacally, rubs it all over her, and starts sucking her fingers clean.

Kevin is dressed as a bum, Doug is, I don’t know, an old guy wearing a sheet or something? They go past the house again, obviously it’s the day after the creaming incident, and decide to trick or treat there, because they’re stupid retards. Kids do the darndest things. Woman is all excited the kids came, they were the only ones that did, so she decides they deserve a “special treat”. She gives them what looks like a dead chicken’s foot in a box, but says it’s a wooden vulture claw and people get three wishes with it. She insists. Warning: BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR, YOU JUST. MIGHT. GET. IT.

OH, it moved! No it didn’t! No, it totally did! Kids in masks gang up on them, looking horrifying and sounding upset with life. Candy is stolen, angry kids on bikes, chasechasechase, but no catch. Doug wished for no more trick or treats at some point that I missed because it wasn’t important, but apparently them getting it stolen was the wish being granted.

what's up, dickheads?

Hey, you don't want that candy, do you?

In school, Kevin wants to beat kid with red hair in some sports crap, wishes, and claw thing turns green and gets all -wish granty- and then we see everyone outside what looks exactly like my old elementary school, playing something or other and smelling like dirty monkey children. There is a kid in a wheelchair with a gimp hand out on the field cheering, or at least, flailing, on the competitors which makes you feel weird for a second, as there is no real reason for people to have gotten that kind of wheelchair all the way out in the middle of the grass for that purpose.

Anyway, a tree starts growling, red hair guy falls, it’s in slow motion and all “ARRRRrrrrrrroowwwwwrrrr”, and Kevin wins the race. Oh and other kid broke his leg or some crap. Hopefully they cut it off and replace it with the dead vulture chicken talon foot thing. Two wishes down the drain, they each have two more to go. They get in an argument and Kevin displays some of the worst acting ever, which was obviously inspired by watching too many Joe Pesci movies. He wishes Doug’s parents would disappear, so they get in a car accident. Holy crap there are so many wishes to go. Okay, I have to break this down a fuck load faster…

remaining wishes:

-wishes dead grandfather was there to help them (arrives in a lovely old car, of course)
-wishes they didn’t break old woman’s vase and the incident the night before Halloween never happened. (aww, how pleasant)

Things are all back to normal, grandfather is re-dead, parents are un-accidented, other kid is unbroken, mask kids never chased them, yadda yadda you get the picture. Vase at the door, message says “trick or treat”.

Some mysterious musings, the end. OOooh campfire hooligans are sooooo scared.

I declare this meeting of the Midnight Society closed, until next time, pleasant dreams, every one.

Guess what!?

05/09/2011

Guess you're stuck with me for another four years.

Why I probably hate you: The everything you like is stupid edition.

05/09/2011

So, here I am again, with another “Why I probably hate you” update. I was meaning to write a new one for a while and every time I try to figure out what to write about, I just repeatedly come to the same conclusion: I hate too many things to figure out what the fuck to make the subject about. Maybe I don’t always hate so much stuff, but lately my patience and tolerance is at such an all time low that everything is stupid and greasy. Here goes:

1. Lady Retard Gaga- How does nobody see she is just a one person incarnation of Insane Clown Posse? She has the exact same M.O., and it’s so fucking transparent and retarded. She calls her fans little monsters, she calls herself, well I don’t know what, but something like mother monster, or queen monster, or some stupid shit. The point is, you assholes are the new juggalos, you traded in your retard face paint for uncomfortable shoes and glittery sunglasses you can’t see out of. You’re not a special little snowflake, you’ve been swallowed by a collective of idiots crying in their pillows because the only people they think understand how they feel is a chick in a leotard banking on your stupidity, and a crowd of sniveling morons that think they look good with meat stapled to their face. Get a fucking clue.

Lady Gaga and Insane Clown Posse Fans, a match made in retard heaven.

So, everything I wrote up there was done on pain killers, while I passed out every couple of minutes, my head at risk of going smash into my keyboard, until I finally just passed out. It’s always amusing to look back and see what I wrote in my passy outyness, since I do not remember. AAAAAAnyway, I guess it’s time for two…

2. Black Swan- I realize I am a bit late talking about this god awful piece of crap, but since everyone seemed to have been obsessed with omg just how scary this was, whatever the fuck, writing about it anyway. I am convinced that the movie was only popular because of the five minute lesbian seen that takes place between Queen Amidala and Family Guy girl. Take that part out, and you got nothing. Amadala, yet again, does what she does best, portrays herself to be the most boring person on the fucking planet. The most monotone, unemotional acting since that plant by the cash register of Chotchkies in Office Space (which was still better).

And the award goes to...

(more…)

Merry Christmas?

05/09/2011

This is scary, link is worse.

Play with my doll collection, don’t be a zeeb!

05/05/2011

Well, it’s been forever since an update, although I have about a dozen half written ones. I didn’t want a bunch of reviews in a row, but apparently that is precisely what I’ve done. So enjoy this amazing tale of stupid crap. cheers.

The Tale of the Lonely Ghost S01E03

Yet another of one of the most popular episodes… let’s get started folks. Blondie walking through the woods, being all scared and stupid, stalker David stalking like he does best, kissing her ass and giving her a bday present, things get all awww and <3 with them, then they go sit and worship their fire gods. Fighting and stupidity commences, now it's story time. START FAST, THE NATIVES ARE RESTLESS... a story about love, angry kids, and death death death (forever)...[caption id="attachment_402" align="alignright" width="245" caption="Hey, I'm an ugly cunt and my dolls aren't creepy."][/caption]

Summer vacation, kids are ~~psyched~~, except for pissy little Amanda, who has to suffer at her aunt’s house. She has scientist parents, which is awesome, but she’s a whore and doesn’t like it. Also, the crotch in her pants is massive, and it’s distracting. Her cousin gives her the look of death from a window, hears noises from the abandoned house next door, and has a lot of books which is supposed to set up that she is nerdy little whatever that nobody likes, instead of just being a girl with a brain that has better things to do than shove hairspray bottles up their cooch.

She has to sleep in her cousin’s room, on a bed full of creepy fucking dolls, and a chick with red hair and probably a penis. She actually looks kind of like a penis. She thinks she and her friends are super awesome, and Amanda is apparently a “zeeb”. : \ Amanda’s new daily tasks include fixing the animal collection every day, not crying no matter what happens, no “snitching”, and being “initiated”, by spending a night alone in the supposed haunted house next door.

Old lady creepers up the stairs, says she is “nanny” and tries to talk to Amanda, but red haired penis girl says nonono, and throws a shit fit and says nobody can talk to her because she’s crazy and blahbalh insane blah blah ghost blah. Also, tomorrow night is initiation night, bitches!

Outside haunted house thing, they tell stupid story before she goes in… long time ago blah blah little girl nobody likes, she can’t talk… why? WE DON’T KNOW SHE JUST COULDN’T GOD JUST LISTEN! One day something something, father sick, girl goes away but dies when kids kill her in the house which sort of makes no sense, she was trapped inside and “didn’t escape alive”, or some stupid shit. “AND WHEN THEY FOUND HER, SHE WAS DEAD!” It’s sort of a scary story, deal with it, assholes.

Girl goes in, noises happen, EMPLEH is written on the wall, and you know what that means! Little girl in the mirror reaching out for a friend. Girl runs out and says fuck this shit, I’m going back to red haired penis girl and creepy nanner.

They have to scrub the writing off the wall, blah blah, now it is written all over the wall instead. Amanda gets blamed, red hair girl is pissed off. Mirror starts showing some creeper shit with dolls which lures in red haired retard girl. Oooooh there she goes, and little dead girl comes out, which is a pretty good trade, I’d say. She is sort of Bjork-like.

Here take the necklace, Amanda, cheers! It’s a picture of nanner, her mother apparently. She wants help, she wants her mother. Red hair girl is crying and wah wah in the mirror, where she belongs, yay. Nanny comes to see the dead girl, goes through the mirror, is transformed into younger her, and red hair girl is free and crying like a little bitch, which everyone sees and laughs at her, then they light her hair on fire and peel her face skin off with a potato peeler.

Fire’s out, kids are leaving, blondie and stalker have sex on the burning embers, and she opens her gift. It’s a locket with a picture of his balls inside. the end.