Only you could be so bold.

YES, it’s been months since Life Day, and obviously time to ramble about more Star Wars. Now, if you aren’t aware, or you don’t care, or you just have a “life” and don’t think about things like this, the whole mystery “the force” is neatly explained away, at least in part, and put to bed in Phantom Menace. Of course the explanation given by Qui-Gon “I make terrible decisions” Jinn, did nothing but leave people feeling either angry, or at the very least, totally annoyed with the crap story they came up with.

Hey baby, you ever hear of the force?

Now, “the force” isn’t actually midi-chlorians, but these bacteria things are what help Jedi to feel or interact with it. They exist as a separate sentient entity (or “sentientity”) that live symbiotically inside all living things. The higher they number inside your cells, the more force sensitive you are. Some people have huge amounts of these midi-chlorians, especially Anakin, or as he is later known, Darth Dickfrown. He was actually a force baby, conceived by his virgin slave mama and some kind of midi-chlorian rapist in the night, which apparently makes him the most powerful whatever he is, ever.

Besides the more obvious questions, I was wondering, with the small amount of information haphazardly thrown our way via George Lucas’ plague brain, can these force-wielding hyper-intelligent bacteria be considered an STD, making Anakin the most contagious of all the Jedi? Is Padme dealing with a severe case of force clap given to her by her younger, even more annoying, lover? Can you give a bit of the force to someone by way of unsafe sexing, making non-Jedi either Jedi themselves (depending on the amount of sex and fluids involved), or at least, can it make them temporarily force sensitive?

These are pretty serious things that need to be addressed, Mr. Lucas, because honestly I don’t see how one can just say something like “Oooh that mysterious thing you feel is being relayed to you by way of microscopic whoseewhatsists that live inside you”, and not even bother to talk about how contagious ths may or may not be. What if the Jedi had gang bangs and group sex? There’d be force stuff all over the place. Would the receivers, for lack of a better word, come out of the party feeling more Jeditastic and aware of the force than they ever had before? Could a big enough gang bang create a Jedi with infinite wisdom and indescribable powers? What the fuck was Shmi Skywalker doing when she got pregnant with Anakin, anyway? And why the hell did she seem so nonchalant about having a kid while still a virgin? This is some serious angel Gabriel shit right here.

Anyway, Yoda has a lot of issues with Jedi forming bonds, perhaps he is aware of the power they harness inside their overheated space-loins. Could you imagine the hypothetical force monster that could be created by the unholy union of Anakin and Mace Windu? Even Jesus H. himself would have a contender in the crazy motherfucker they would create. And then Yoda and Obi-Wan would have to have a little bearded green baby to defeat it. Yodanobi Vs. Mace-akin would be an amazing moment in Star Wars history, becoming a cautionary tale of woe told in padawan health class to any force sensitives planning on having unsafe space sex.

*deep breath* Think about it.

Hey look, it’s Star Wars music time! Point, click, save:

-Darth Vader (Who Gives a Sith)
-Force You To Love Me

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