Archive for 03/31/2011

Hey, are you afraid of the dark?

03/31/2011

WELL, are you?!!?

So, I just happen to have all seven seasons of “Are You Afraid of the Dark?”, and have decided to start a new section here on smeat reviewing as I go through all ninety-something episodes of this, sometimes painful to watch, series. I’ll write as I watch, and perhaps you will suddenly feel the urge to start your own Midnight Society. You ready? *cues eye of the tiger music*

s01e01 The Tale of the Phantom Cab:
Episode one starts with the introduction of the group members, and Frank’s induction story. Buzz and Denny are brothers who are actively getting lost in the woods like morons. Buzz is a walking stereotype, backwards hat, perma-scowl on his face, and a sleeveless denim shirt D: The shirt makes me hate him immediately, what a fucking dick.

Denny books it and Buzz follows him, perma-scowling all the way, threatening to “pound” his brother. Ooooh a light in the fog, could this imply danger is on its way? NAH, it’s totally normal and safe, kids, just talk to him, no killers this way. “Farther than you know, my friend, farther than you know”, is his money line. Go fog stranger, go!

Fog stranger leads them to “someone who could help”, who happens to be someone quite smilar to Hagrid; his house is pretty much identical. Hobbit Hagrid guy is called the doctor, at least is what fog stranger calls him right before he disapears, which for some reason, is in no way weird to either of the kids. Laughing, moaning, vibrating shrubbery is a bit troubling to them, though, so they decide to take their chances with doctor hagrid hobbit in order to get out of the woods.

So, Doctor Vink (that’s his name, folks!), studies plants, kidnaps children, and also LOVES riddles, which the boys have to answer. Here they are if you’re interested:

Riddle Time with Doctor Vink:

1. How far can you walk into the woods?

2. What is it that has no weight, can be seen by the naked eye, and if you put it in a barrel, it would make the barrel lighter. (easy one, Doctor Vink, you suck)

Ok, so Denny fucks it all up by not getting the second riddle, turning Doc into an angry, hairy creeper. He wants to cut off one of their hands, or take out one of their brains, which makes them run the fuck out of there and back into the woods.

welcome to the gang, fuckface!

At this point a disheveled taxi comes tumbling through the woods and picks them up. Again, they see nothing wrong with getting into the vehicle, which looks like it was just pulled out of a swamp and dried off with muddy towels. OH HEY LOOK IT’S FOG GUY, nice way to wrap this shit up, AYAOTD, we’ve come full circle. Fog guy divulges that he is actually dead, proves this to them by turning his head all the way backwards, and shows them his hand is missing because the doctor took it. Probably information that would have been more useful when he was the guy who told them to see the damned doctor in the first place.

So taxi guy is pissed and decides he wants to drive them all into a tree, the only thing that will make this not happen is solving that last riddle, which Denny finally figures out right before impact, and starts screaming “A HOLE A HOLE A HOLE A HOLE”, which, of course, was the correct answer.

The cab disappears, they don’t hit the tree, Buzz hugs Denny and acts all happily ever after with him, a guy in a truck comes to save them, Frank’s story gets him into the Midnight Society, and that, my friends, is the first episode.

Only you could be so bold.

03/31/2011

YES, it’s been months since Life Day, and obviously time to ramble about more Star Wars. Now, if you aren’t aware, or you don’t care, or you just have a “life” and don’t think about things like this, the whole mystery “the force” is neatly explained away, at least in part, and put to bed in Phantom Menace. Of course the explanation given by Qui-Gon “I make terrible decisions” Jinn, did nothing but leave people feeling either angry, or at the very least, totally annoyed with the crap story they came up with.

Hey baby, you ever hear of the force?

Now, “the force” isn’t actually midi-chlorians, but these bacteria things are what help Jedi to feel or interact with it. They exist as a separate sentient entity (or “sentientity”) that live symbiotically inside all living things. The higher they number inside your cells, the more force sensitive you are. Some people have huge amounts of these midi-chlorians, especially Anakin, or as he is later known, Darth Dickfrown. He was actually a force baby, conceived by his virgin slave mama and some kind of midi-chlorian rapist in the night, which apparently makes him the most powerful whatever he is, ever.

Besides the more obvious questions, I was wondering, with the small amount of information haphazardly thrown our way via George Lucas’ plague brain, can these force-wielding hyper-intelligent bacteria be considered an STD, making Anakin the most contagious of all the Jedi? Is Padme dealing with a severe case of force clap given to her by her younger, even more annoying, lover? Can you give a bit of the force to someone by way of unsafe sexing, making non-Jedi either Jedi themselves (depending on the amount of sex and fluids involved), or at least, can it make them temporarily force sensitive?

These are pretty serious things that need to be addressed, Mr. Lucas, because honestly I don’t see how one can just say something like “Oooh that mysterious thing you feel is being relayed to you by way of microscopic whoseewhatsists that live inside you”, and not even bother to talk about how contagious ths may or may not be. What if the Jedi had gang bangs and group sex? There’d be force stuff all over the place. Would the receivers, for lack of a better word, come out of the party feeling more Jeditastic and aware of the force than they ever had before? Could a big enough gang bang create a Jedi with infinite wisdom and indescribable powers? What the fuck was Shmi Skywalker doing when she got pregnant with Anakin, anyway? And why the hell did she seem so nonchalant about having a kid while still a virgin? This is some serious angel Gabriel shit right here.

Anyway, Yoda has a lot of issues with Jedi forming bonds, perhaps he is aware of the power they harness inside their overheated space-loins. Could you imagine the hypothetical force monster that could be created by the unholy union of Anakin and Mace Windu? Even Jesus H. himself would have a contender in the crazy motherfucker they would create. And then Yoda and Obi-Wan would have to have a little bearded green baby to defeat it. Yodanobi Vs. Mace-akin would be an amazing moment in Star Wars history, becoming a cautionary tale of woe told in padawan health class to any force sensitives planning on having unsafe space sex.

*deep breath* Think about it.

Hey look, it’s Star Wars music time! Point, click, save:

-Darth Vader (Who Gives a Sith)
-Chewbacca
-Force You To Love Me

Take them shits out… put ’em on the dash

03/29/2011

Do you love blowjobs? Do you love hookers? Do you hate being able to keep your food down?
Then perhaps you need to start this video at nine minutes and enjoy the ride, folks.

Making friends is hard… : (

03/29/2011

Jason:
Want to hear a poem?

Sarah:
ok sure
tell me the poem while I eat my cocoa pebbles and take all my millions of medications
well… type me

Jason:
There once was a gal from South Philly
Touched in the head and quite silly
She stripped down all the way
And proceeded to say..
My goodness, it’s awfully chilly!
Get that?

Sarah:
hahaha

Jason:
lol, glad you liked it

Sarah:
there once was a girl from chestnut street…
who could not stand the summer heat…
she took off her gown (?)
and along came a crowd…
gang rape sucks…
the end.

Jason is offline.