LET’S GET THIS FUCKING THING STARTED!!!

So a while ago a friend of mine told me the Yo Gabba Gabba website was impressive and I should check it out. At the time I barely knew what it was, other than it was a popular kids show of some sort. So soon thereafter I went to the site to quickly check out what it was he was talking about, and the horror that unfolded within will stay in my brains forever, or until disease scrapes it from my mind with its angry, bloody claws.

First off, if you click the “freestyle” button on the bottom right of their page, it erases all the links and plays music while you do useless crap on the screen. Essentially the point, I assume, is to limit a child’s ability to pay attention to what is being sung as they play with the random crap, while they are subliminally being indoctrinated into the insanity of Yo Gabba Gabba by way of their creepy ass song lyrics. After listening to several of these horrifying songs, I assumed there was no way I was the only one on the planet, (besides Stephen, who was simultaneously experiencing this trauma with me) to notice the terrible evil hidden behind those giant, dildo-shaped creatons.

In fact, the only thing I could find was someone complaining about, well, about the fact that some of them are undeniably dildo-shaped. Not one person, that I have found, has mentioned that the lyrics are creepy, weird, and seem to be telling children shit you don’t want them to hear from adults dressed as giant, twisted, nightmare-creatures. If nobody has said it on the internets, that means it hasn’t occurred to anyone, anywhere, obviously. This is astounding! The lyrics are (allegedly) like a kidnapper’s how-to manual for children.

Obviously their plan has been working too well, as apparently most adult humans with children are completely fooled by giant, man-eating, sextoyish fur-creatures. But what if we took them away, and put it in another context? I figure this is the only way to help you see the monstrosity you have unleashed into your child’s brain. So I found some random pictures of not-so-savory characters, and put Yo Gabba Gabba quotes from their songs in. Just imagine these people saying (or worse yet, singing them in a high-pitched baby voice) these lyrics to your children. Fuck, adults write the songs, not children, and definitely not cutesy, giant, mentally deficient alien things. It’s adults who write these songs for kids. This had to occur to them. We don’t know what these people look like; maybe they look like these people in the pictures How does that make you feel, parents? HOW?!

In fact, it seems the only one that knows something is amiss is that miserable white thing you see up there frowning, who is from the actual show, but they barely let him do anything, and try to keep him quiet (it’s true). Look at that face and tell me some shit didn’t go down when the camera wasn’t rolling. You can’t, can you?

Anyway, click and let me take you on a horrifying journey through Yo Gabba Gabba… *skips jauntily on a rainbow made of lollipops and waking nightmares*


oh, at some point I have learned through my E/N brethren something about the fact that these things didn’t come out of these peoples’ mouths and I don’t have anything to do with this, that, or the other, I’m not sick enough to have come up with any of this and I am in no way affiliated with the allegedly terrifying show known as Yo Gabba Gabba. CHEERS!








6 Responses to LET’S GET THIS FUCKING THING STARTED!!!

  1. sarah says:

    Dan, I was meaning to message you earlier, but then you vanished into the aether. It has been centuries, has it not?

  2. Bacon Bit says:

    I don’t know why I thought Yo Gabba Gabba was the dragon sex toy shop. How could I forget a name like http://www.bad-dragon.com ?

  3. Nick says:

    Mmmmmm. I really wish I had a banana now.

  4. sarah says:

    Hey girllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll!

  5. Rose says:

    Thank you for assuring I will be having nightmares for the rest of my life.

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