Second shot fired from a flare gun on lonely island.

Welcome to the second installation of my ill-conceived letters sent to human females on OkCupid. In this update you, like this lucky girl, will get to learn more about me. You will also learn that sometimes I write in fragments. Sometimes I write in long winding sentences that collect bits of purpose off the ground as it goes. And I am addicted to commas. Grammar aside, I kinda like this letter. I don’t think I come off as too much of an oddball. I just think it’s too jokey and as a person I have a great levity about me. I am jokey, but I have substance. But I failed to communicate that in this letter. Maybe that’s why she didn’t write back. Or maybe it’s because my handle is “CatSexxerUpper” but not because I have sex with cats. It’s because I have a barbed penis. Like a male cat. So I am the cat in that sex formula. Not me and a cat. I am the sex cat. Get it? Oh you’re about it. Jerk.

Also I should warn you that this entry will have a spoiler from the movie Up! in it. So if you haven’t watched Up! yet and think you might one day and want to be emotionally invested in the characters or plot you shouldn’t read this.

Hi. My name is Mugsy.
Hmmm… I’m not sure how to start. This whole thing feels like a very complicated version of “Do you like me? Circle YES or NO.” In a simpler world,  I could just gather shiny things and place them at your feet or something and then you would give me some indicative gesture and I’d know it was cool to ask you to watch bad movies with me and shout funny things at the tv.

Well, I am writing you because you seem very bright, sweet, lovely, funny and full of sassafras. So I thought I would introduce myself, share a bit about me, and maybe learn a bit more about you.

I want a puppy too!

When I am having a bad day I imagine getting a pug and naming him something very regal like Lord Sinclair Bengalstorm III. I could also name him something really dumb like FattyShitPants McWonkyEyes. That could be enjoyable. Or I could name him Govnah and everyday before we leave the house I could turn to him and say, “‘Ello Govnah, are your affairs in order?” in a cockney accent. When I feed him I can shout, “Bangers and mash!” even though it’ll just be dog food. Also statistically, Pugs prefer the Wu Tang Clan more than any other breed. That’s a quality I can get behind.
I saw that you listed Up! as one of your favorite movies.

I really liked Up, but I spent the majority of the movie trying to digest the existential crisis it triggered. I think the point the movie tries to make is that as long as you are alive you are able to give and receive love. And that love can help someone else grow and heal and, in turn, it can help you grow and heal. BUUUT, what the fuck? I couldn’t move on from the wife’s death. I felt so sad for him and, moreover, for all of us who are bound to find someone who we love so fiercely and then lose them to the icy grips of death. Fuck that movie for reminding me of my inevitable death and/or the inevitable death of everyone I love. All entertainment is supposed to distract me from pondering the transient nature of life.
I also don’t care for sea creatures.

Ever since those narwhals raped my parents. Okay, that never happened. It was consensual. I just wanted to demonstrate parallel values.

I went whale watching once. I learned that my love of the sea is best experienced with my feet planted on the shore. I also learned, to my surprise, that I can be totally gay for dolphins. I did not suspect that about myself. Like a pod of 800 were jumping and playing all around our boat. I couldn’t stop smiling about it for weeks. Luckily I didn’t make any rash tattoo decisions. Eventually, my inner curmudgeon kicked in and I stopped wearing pastel shirts with dolphins airbrushed all over them.

Hmm…what other things should you know about me?

  • My life’s work is writing Total Recall the Musical.
  • Everyday when I get home from work I pat the hood of my truck and say, “That’ll do truck, that’ll do.”
  • I amuse myself by sometimes accusing objects of being “Roswell technology.”
  • I like to make outrageous claims while at work. Such as, “I am the Tupac Shakur of this office!” or “I am the Mark Twain of fax machine based insults.”
  • If I am publicly eating a banana I break it down into smaller, less penis like pieces.
  • Once a stranger accidentally texted me and asked, “What are we supposed to wear tonight?” I wrote back, “I think they said dress as pirates.”
  • I like to post made up quotes as my Facebook status. ex: “I constantly thirst for knowledge and pussy.” – Albert Einstein

I don’t want to give you too much to read.  But I am actually a pretty nice fella. You should drop me a line sometime if you’d like to talk.

– Mugsy

5 Responses to Second shot fired from a flare gun on lonely island.

  1. Stein says:

    “In a simpler world, I could just gather shiny things and place them at your feet or something”

    I lol’d

  2. Olaf Berzerker says:

    that was all supposed to have been one comment, but it wouldn’t fit. i wonder why? maybe it was too long of a string of pure purr-fection?

  3. Olaf Berzerker says:

    How come we never met on any fetish sites??? I cruise them ALL, ALL THE TIME, and i never found you. I mean, I am a cat, You have a barbed Penis, and you say that you don’t like sea creatures, but yet you also are gay for dolphins. So if you can be gay for dolphins, be gay for me. I hated up!, because i don’t even understand all the words they used in it. I mean, UP! to me means get the hell on this fucking chair quickly, when said by one of you guys. Humans i mean. So why not be gay for me, i know how to bake. I also don’t think you realize… if people even for one second think that you are all about havin da funky freaky with a cat, why no make it >>>>>>this guy<<<<< right here. If you are going to be condemned and damned, let my be your burning bush that you chant and run around until you have no more left in you and are in such a trance that you run, straight into the flames. LET ME BE YOUR GOD. I wanna #()@% you like an animal. Seriously, i am a cat. We should barb and brand each other in a howling masterpiece in some alley way. Do the alley Cat strut with me, PLEASE!!!!!! If you have an ounce of cat nip, or decency. you will get back to me, if not you should get back to the ghetto. THE REAL GHETTO. I hope i didn't hurt you just there. I am just preparing for you to say you are not interested. Just in case you don't respond, i want to ge my jabs in now. So go fuck yourself (pre-emptively of course, you are going to have to get used to a barbed penis being inside you too, so start off slow and use crisco, bend it around, and see how you do). I love commas, and when i sleep, its like a coma, I like the movie "Dogma", and my friends call me Romer. I wrote that for you, to make up for hurting your feelings. not for hurting them with what i said before, but for this:
    If you don't get back to me, i am going to find you a perfect little pug. and i am going to bring him to your housing complex, and out in front of everyone, you included, i am going to barb him, and when he is screaming and howling, i am going to grab his head, and make him lock eyes with you, and i will whisper in his ear "Who's your daddy….. That guy watching you right now."
    Seriously though, I am sure you are very beautiful for a man, so hit a nyuggahhhh up. Throw me a bone man. Do you know how hard it was to get the courage up to pursue such an interracial/interspecies relationship. I feel like we have to try this out.
    By the way, i wrote this whole letter in 25.7 seconds with my face.
    P.S. Can i Call you Barbie when i watch us in the mirror on the headboard?

  4. Olaf Berzerker says:

    Wow, everyone was tellin me about this site, and i have often heard you talkin to Gay Adam about it. And Lucky i am to happen upon it when you have such a wonderfully insightful letter posted right there for me to paw at on the screen. It really is ingenious these touch screen computers. I mean, i have such limited individual use of my digits for typing and my claws always get in the way, so i am just sayin that i think it is awesome that i can have an onscreen keyboard that i can hit with my paws and nose, i mean really, i can type faster that you simply because i already have a tail, and two paws, but mashing my maw against the screen gives me a third way to input my textual sensations. Seriously, why don’t you like sea creatures though. I mean, I like the way they all taste. Why not, right oi mean i am a cat, sure, but don’t go throwing stereotypes at me like that. I also lick my balls, (here’s a little about me, i don’t actually have any coins in my coin purse, but i still like lickin down there)

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