My first OKC letter

This girl mentioned her arachnophobia several times in her profile and on the last portion of her page, under the section titled You Should Message Me If…, she wrote, “You have a vendetta against spiders.”


I wrote her this message:

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Hello,

My name is Mugsy. I am just getting into using this site. Wandering around looking for cool people to talk to.

I don’t have a vendetta against spiders. I am horrified by some of them and consider their passage through my home a gamble they took with their lives.

But I am also grateful. I am grateful that they are silent, life would be so much worse if they clicked or hissed or worse yet, giggled like a baby. Imagine what a nightmare it would be to see a black mass hiding in the shadowed corner of your ceiling, you tilt the lamp to it and a large spider takes off down the wall behind your couch, all the while giggling like a newborn baby. And, like, way louder than you’d think possible. The very idea creeps me the fuck out.

I am glad they don’t smell very badly, because there is pretty much always one around somewhere and they aren’t always easy to find. It would be terrible if they smelled like decay and death or something.

I am extremely grateful that they don’t fly. That would be horrible. It’s bad enough that at any moment one could comfortably zip-line down from the ceiling towards your face.

Sometimes I accidentally walk through a web and it gets all over my face and mouth and beard. At a distance of more than ten feet away it probably looks like I am fighting off an invisible attack. And that’s exactly what it is. Life would be so much worse if they made an unbreakable gossamer that left me helpless. But at least I am large and lumbering enough to pass right through their cleverly laid traps. They are like very, very tiny Vietcong.
Most of all I am glad that even large ones are still relatively small. Nothing I can’t kill with a boot. If I found myself face to face with a 200lb spider (and I didn’t have a shield and an axe) I would be fucked.

As I said, I don’t have a vendetta against spiders. That word is too powerful. It makes me think of Charles Bronson in Death Wish 3. Spiders haven’t raped and killed my family or anything. But I am grossed out by them. I don’t want to deal with anything that has more than seven eyes. But it sounds like you are more frightened of them than I am. So if one of your requirements in a man is that he can comfortably kill spiders then I think I qualify. I’ll kill the shit out of them. I’ll kill spiders so savagely UNICEF will try to intervene and typically they only handle international children’s rights. They’ll send me letters saying, “Hey Mugsy, enough is enough.”

That’s what I’m bringing to the table.

– Mugsy

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In hindsight I think sending this message to someone with any kind of genuine arachnophobia would just be an act of cruelty. I introduced so many traumatic images and notions. It didn’t even occur to me at the time of writing it that this was probably the last subject she’d like someone to write about so extensively. Ways that spiders could be more awful. Oh yea, she’ll be ovulating after reading this. I am retarded.

Oh and you guessed it, she never wrote me back. She probably never went online ever again. The only thing I could have done to worsen it would have been to change my OKC profile picture to this:


Now that I’ve completely spoiled any chance of making out with her while listening to the Invisible Touch album by Genesis I should just create a new profile where I pose as an actual wolf spider, fill out my profile accordingly, and just send her mean spirited messages about her hate-speak against spiderkind. Yea, that’s what a normal person would do.

*sigh*

– mugsy

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5 Responses to My first OKC letter

  1. Stein says:

    “They are like very, very tiny Vietcong.”

    I lol’d

  2. Destiny says:

    Dear Mugsy,
    If you sent *me* that letter, I’d date the shit out of you.

    http://theoatmeal.com/blog/cobwebs

  3. Rose says:

    You smell interesting

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