life is ruining my life…

Life sucks; sometimes, under weird delusions, I sometimes think that I’m caught in some strange minority of life-suckage, where I notice all the things that other people have that I, probably for health reasons, which lead to being broke and not being able to work reasons, which lead to being an unwanted outcast of society, can not attain; and get angry at how easy it is for them to take these things for granted (just to set the record straight, just because I am writing this, doesn’t mean I will stop doing it). Even when these retarded (oooh wah, she said retarded, we should complain about that, oh wait, maybe we should look up the god damned word, oh silly us) view points take over my worm-laden brain for three seconds at a time, I still feel some sick amount of loathing that makes me never have that “god I wish I could be so and so for a day” feeling, ever, not ever. No matter who you are, how rich, healthy, and stupidly ignorant you are to how great you have it compared to most of society, I never, ever, not ever, wanted to be you instead of me. Why? Well, not because of some holier than thou reasons (I don’t believe in luck, so why would I believe in “holy”), but because no matter who you are, how bad or good you have it, you’re still a miserable fuck. And if I was you, I’d most likely be weeping about people like me, by throwing pennies in a donation tray, skipping out of church on sunday, and fucking my secretary before buying roses at the gas station to bring to my wife on the way home from work. Then complaining to her about how bad my boss treats me and how the guy at the car dealership totally fucked me over on the package with the leather heated seats and wah wah sniffle. The point is, it doesn’t matter who you are, your life both equally sucks and doesn’t, just depending on who you’re standing next to.

There’s a lot of people that can stand next to me and feel pretty god damned good about themselves; say things like “WELP, I was having one shitty fucking day, but fuck, at least I can walk straight, look at this stupid fucking gimp next to me, she has worms eating her heart, she’ll be dead before she hits thirty-five if my self esteem has anything to say about it”. And, for the most part, they’ll likely be right, and good for them, they win a coupon for twenty percent off their next purchase of stemware at Macy’s. I, on the other hand, can either look back at the dick standing next to me, and pick apart each layer of his carefully laid out life, piece by piece, talk about how lucky he should feel, but never will, for more than the time it takes to drop a quarter in the coffee can with the picture of the kid with cancer on it sitting on the counter at his local liquor store, where he went to pick up a “nice red wine to go with dinner”, or drop a tear in the bucket and cry because in some form or another, that kid is essentially me, minus the cancer, but plus the parasites, do the best I can, and just say motherfuckit.

At this point you are one of two kinds of people; one is the person that says “she is feeling sorry for herself”, or the other, “things are the way they are, that’s life, and that’s what she’s saying”, one of these is correct, but only some of you assholes realize this, so there’s no point in telling you which one is right. Anyway, the point is, life sucks, no matter who you are, it’s the human condition to think life sucks, it’s almost ingrained in our dna to think everyone everywhere has it better, and it takes a keen eye to realize that is total bullshit, as it is really only by comparison that we feel any sense of what is better or worse than anything else; which means if you’re the guy with the perfect car, wife, teeth, house, and mistress, you’re most likely upset about that raise you didn’t get, but then, after a pregnancy scare, you feel like the luckiest son of a bitch on the planet when secretary calls to tell you that the kid couldn’t possibly be yours, you guys didn’t fuck two months ago and she is six weeks pregnant, score one for you, score who the fuck knows for life (of course in the end, life can totally turn around and rape you in the face when you find out secretary left her syphilis on your doorstep, banged on the door, and ran like a bitch in heat).

So, no matter how bad you have it, and I assure you, no matter who you are, when you’re going to die, or how, you probably have it pretty fucking terrible, and simultaneously possibly decently okay, just stop taking shit so seriously all the time. For the most part shit is boring or chaotic only based on our reaction to it, so just say ‘FUCK IT’, to everything and life will become one long, straight line on a heart monitor. No need to cry, worry, or moan because you stubbed your toe, or the waiter never came back to ask if you’d like dessert, he just brought you a check and now you feel fat for even considering insisting on seeing the dessert menu, and the only people that you think care are the ones reading your facebook status so better keep them updated because you know they will tell you how totally hot you are and oh my god, have you noticed the weather, it’s so exactly the type of weather it should be for where you live and what month it is, you should complain about how you wish it was some other weather in some other month and don’t cry yet you didn’t even get to the part about how your car got stuck in traffic on a work day, during rush hour on a busy road where traffic fucking happens all the time, what a totally normal life you lead, holy shit, you just noticed you live an average life, does that mean you’re not a special snowflake, well fuck, mid-life crisis time, better stop talking to the few friends that actually treat you well, buy a journal made of recycled paper from the book store and start writing down all your interesting thoughts you don’t want anyone to read.

Do something interesting for once in your god damned life; go double up on the condoms and fuck a hooker; or invite all your friends and their prescriptions over and go bobbing for capsules. Maybe that isn’t interesting to you, maybe that’s just a terrible sin and a huge waste of time; once again, it’s all about perspective. Maybe being stuck in traffic is interesting to me because I only leave my house to have my veins tapped or be bitched at by nurses. I don’t know, just shut the fuck up about the same shit that everyone else is saying all the time, it’s like there’s some giant rubber stamp fucking stamping people out en masse, and the only decision you made was what little speech bubble sticker to adhere next to your gaping face hole.

And yeah, yeah, don’t worry, tomorrow I’ll be fantasizing about shooting my brains out under my bed and listening to depressing music just like you want me to be, just to keep shit in order, and everyone stays secure in the roles they have constructed in their heads and gotten all snuggily and comfortable in.

Also, maybe you could try not being dicks who are constantly shitty to each other; might help (she is SUCH a hypocrite). Cheers!

ps
A pretty awesome girl I knew died a couple weeks ago, and even though I can’t say I knew her very well, I think she would have found the humor in this. For the small amount of time and conversations I did have with her, I have to say, she was a pretty strong girl (not something I say about many people) who never failed to leave an impression. So here’s to you, Rhapsody, I didn’t know you very well, but you were one hell of an awesome chick.

4 Responses to life is ruining my life…

  1. Stein says:

    I always just tell myself:

    “Thank god I have white people problems.”

  2. SparkleRavyn1995 says:

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  3. Destiny says:

    Ack! I read this AFTER posting a facebook update about today’s snowy weather. In December. In Colorado. [facepalm]
    I wasn’t *complaining* about the snow though, so I’m taking smug satisfaction in only being half a douche.

  4. Rose says:

    Awww.. I knew you payed attention to my facebook statuses! 🙂

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