I can’t wait for one of you mother fuckers to shut me up.

I hate when people tell you something is “their motto in life”, or that something is “their middle name”, or want to know if you are kidding them, because they were “born to [fill in the blank]”. I don’t know where these terrible things start, but I think it was probably some obscure movie from the 80’s that everyone forgot existed, but now haunts our already tarnished ability to speak words rightly.

It’s always said in such a way as to signify that the person vomiting these stupid words from their slimy face holes has the situation completely under control, and if there is just one thing in this entire stinking cesspool of a planet they know a PhD’s load of crap about, it’s the exact situation you are talking about/do not require assistance with/are currently involved in at that precise moment. I fucking LOVE these people.

I also notice something similar on peoples’ personal profiles. Like “music is my life”, I fucking HATE when I see this written, mostly on teenagers’ profiles. Music is not your life, maybe listening to music takes up a good portion of your life, but fuck, we’re not talking about time you were sacrificing away from an otherwise productive and world-changing existence. We’re talking about time you’d have spent lying on your shower floor in your bathrobe crying to Smashing Pumpkins as your mascara runs down the drain. What the fuck was the first point I was even making?

Oh yeah, the whole pretending you are an expert at shit, when you’re clearly marginal, at best. Listen, just because you SAY you can take care of something, because, fuck, your middle name is “the guy that can glue your finger back on”, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t promptly go to the hospital after you’ve lost a bet regarding a bic lighter and a huge ass knife (I’m looking at you, Four Rooms, OH YEAH). I don’t give a shit if your middle name was Jesus and your face was glowing, it doesn’t mean your crabs will give people the power to walk across the ocean because you nailed them (to a cross) GET IT!?!?! HO yeahhhhhh…. too soon? Sorry, guys, I should be more sensitive what with little god jr.’s birthday coming and all. Either way, saying something like “trust me, I was BORN to cure genital tumors”, doesn’t make you sound credible, it makes you sound like you’re into junk with tumors on them.

Same thing with people that say, “WELP, it’s like I always say…” and then they something they never fucking say, ever, and you’ve known this mother fucker for like, at least three quarters of your life; so you know they are clearly making false claims out of their giant talking vaginas. You get in a car accident, everything is ruined, you have no money; your “friend” comes, and tries to calm you by throwing in one of those “WELP, it’s like I always say, the most fucked up shit ever, happens to the people we love the most, and every time a priest has an orgasm, an angel gets its chastity belt key, and …” Yeah, dude, I stopped listening to you before you even got here, fucking shut up. All of you, everything, just shut up shut up shut up. You aren’t helping, none of you are. You’re talking, there’s a big, fat, fucking orca whale of a difference between talking and helping. Go eat some fuck.

ps
draw sunglasses on my octopus, please and thank you.
I shall post all beautiful and wonderful works of art.

psps
my brain is swollen, this is the result, I hope it made you feel all slippery and
ready to explode with sticky apple sauce-like goodness that warms your heart
and kills your favorite librarian.

and even more ps’s … new writer coming soon, you will all embrace him with your amazing skills of friendship and archery.

that’s all I got.

and a chair made of cheese… and a table made of cheese… and a chair made of cheese… and a table made of cheese…

…and and and

One Response to I can’t wait for one of you mother fuckers to shut me up.

  1. sarah says:

    Obviously I love you guys, seriously. Ok, maybe it isn’t THAT obvious, but I totally do, I save everything you guys have ever given me, all the crazy hate mail, and severed fingers, hair dipped in wax, unidentifiable liquid in a bottle I refuse to open.

    I sound angry, but my brain is just squeezy, I love all the ones that stuck around for like ten years of this bullshit. Cullen, Aaron O., Dan (if you’re still out there), Krank, dear, John at TMH2.

    sniffle. snifflesniffle…

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