Archive for 12/20/2007

fa la la la la, la la la laaaaaa…


So I was going to write this update all about the time I implanted Krank with a tracking device to see what he spends his days doing, which is something I promised I’d update about in a previous entry into this thingamablogger (oooh punny!). But because I am in pain at the moment, I have a swollen finger, just swallowed a bunch of pills, and still haven’t translated all the information on it from Canadian to red blooded American-English, AND I hate my Internet connection (or lack thereof), I have decided to keep you all waiting even longer for that wonderful update. All I can tell you at this point is that it is to be entitled “Holy Crip He’s a Krankle”, and that’s all I have to say about that.

Anyway, I know you’re all thinking I should be in a better mood, what with Jesus Clause’s birthday just around the corner, but the truth is that I really could NOT care less (believe me, I TRIED). SO, this holiday season, I have compiled a list for anyone else out there who may also be feeling less than jolly this holiday season:

Spookymeat’s 1001 Ways to Commit Suicide for the Holidays Listravaganza!

1. Candy Canes are a festive holiday treat and have been ever since the three wise men brought baby what’s-his-face gifts of frankincense and candy canes way back in 1492. If you want to go out with a real holiday bang, I think this could be the way to go. Candy canes may be a bit brittle, but I find that if you gently caress the ends against a drill bit sharpener, a delightful holiday treat turns into a Christmas tool of (self) destruction. My advice would be to stab it directly into your heart and let the minty goodness warm your soul. Remember, every time someone stabs themselves in the heart with a makeshift candy-cane weapon, an angel gets his wings.

2. Ninja Style Throwing Star (of David)- Nothing says “FUCK YOU, CHRISTMAS!” quite like taking yourself out with another religion’s symbol of peace and love (or whatever the hell a “star” of “David” is supposed to symbolize). Now, unless you plan on swallowing the stars with some good old fashioned egg nog (and nothing would be wrong with that), you may have a hard time throwing them at yourself with enough momentum to do fatal damage. Don’t worry, because the answer lies at your local batting cages/recreation center. Inserting said throwing stars (of David) into the ball thrower and cleverly (or not so cleverly seeming as how I thought of it first) positioning yourself at just the right angle, not only are you sure to expire, but you will leave behind a beautiful holiday display of dripping red walls.

3. Become a naked Christmas snow angel- I think most holiday loving Santa huggers can agree that nothin’ screams “NOEL” quite like snow gently falling on a quiet December night. Now depending on where you live, you could easily use this winter wonderland as a means to your end. First you should find a lovely, magical forest where you can have some peace and quiet. Next strip down to your birthday suit and do what Christmas lovers do best- SNOW ANGELS! Sooner or later your limbs will start to go numb, and your lips will turn blue. You can spend the rest of your slow holiday suicide peacfully staring up at the beautiful white flakes falling from the heaven that you are soon to be a resident of.

4. If you are feeling a bit more adventurous than slowly slipping into frozen oblivion, then eating as many Christmas tree balls as you can before you pass out may be the suicide for you. The trick here is to not think of it, just shove them in and chew, chew, chew! At some point you will pass out from the unbelievable pain you will be in, but don’t worry, the internal bleeding will take care of the rest.

1001. And now we are finally at the 1001th way to kill yourself for the holidays, and I must admit it is my favorite. Suicide by evangelical christian! How do you do this, you ask? Well first you have to find one and kill it, or at least render it unconscious in order to use its body as a weapon. Once you’ve crossed that off the list, the possibilities are virtually endless. You could chew on its fingers (calloused from turning pages of the bible year after year) until you finally choke. You could glue sharp object all over its body and impale yourself against it, which would most assuredly guarantee entry through heaven’s pearly gates (since you’ll be stuck to said Christian, silly goose). Anyway, be creative, it’s Christmas time, for god’s sake!